


Kjære Isak - Letters to Isak

by parttimehuman



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alt er Love, Bipolar Disorder, Boy Squad, Even´s pov, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Love, Love Letters, M/M, Relationship(s), Song Lyrics, dr skrulle gives life advice, everything Even wants to tell Isak, i miss skam so much i need to fill all the gaps, i´m not even halfway through writing this, kjaere even will follow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:20:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 53,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Whenever he doesn´t know how to express his feelings, Even writes a letter to Isak.He´s never intended on giving them to Isak, who finds them hidden in a box one day.Isak doesn´t get far before the tears start streaming down his face.The one letter that´s not hidden is the one that Isak leaves for Even to find in response to all the things he now understands better than before.





	1. Første skoledag, 22.08.2016

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo this is the first letter Even´s ever written to Isak. 
> 
> I´ve written a few more already, but I´m planning to retell Evak´s story from Even´s pov through these letters, so I´m gonna post them in chronological order. 
> 
> As this is pretty much my very first fanwork ever, I´m soooooooo excited to know what you guys think about it so let me know :)))))
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Kjære Isak,

I only know your name because I heard someone calling you that. You don´t know me and I don´t know you, but I saw you in the school yard today and now my stupid brain won´t shut the fuck up about you. You were standing there, surrounded by some guys, talking about whatever. I wasn´t listening or anything, I just caught this dark, curly-haired boy saying “Fy faen, Isak” to you and then some more that I didn´t understand. I must sound crazy, I know. 

The thing is, today was not only the first day of school after summer holidays, but also my very first day at Nissen. I transferred from Bakka for third year because I pretty much fucked up back there. What went down and why is a long story that I don´t wannna think about right now, so let´s just say it was bad. I may have changed schools, but the original problem, which is basically me, isn´t gone. I´m still me, crazy and destructive and totally fucked up, so I was fucking terrified of going to school this morning. I was so nervous, with every step that I took towards the school building, the urge to simply turn around and make a run grew stronger. 

When I entered my classroom, everybody was already deep in conversation with each other, sharing their stories about summer vacations and parties and who was hooking up with who. I swear, I was already in the middle of a heart attack when I spotted an empty table in the back of the room, right next to the window. They must´ve noticed something´s wrong with me as I made my way over there, sitting down before someone else could. Of course, I tried to pull myself together, just be normal and I don´t even think I was doing that bad. Some guys sitting behind me actually seemed pretty cool and a girl in the front row constantly turned around to look at me, swirling a strand of her hair around her finger. Well, I would´ve preferred if she´d stopped doing that, but I guess that´s better than for everyone to just watch you in disgust as they´re whispering behind your back. 

Even if it went okay, which I suppose it did, this day cost me a lot of energy and concentration. Have you ever felt like you can´t smile anymore, because you gave away so many fake smiles the muscles in your face just need a rest? It´s exhausting to keep your guard up all the time, I think I forgot that over the holidays. I probably looked like I´d just run a marathon when I walked across the school yard towards the exit, craving for my bed and silence and at least twelve hours of sleep. I was already pissed because I knew my mother would want to know how it went when I´d get home and my girlfriend would call in a moment and ask me a thousand questions and I was so tired I didn´t even know how to speak a single word. 

And then, suddenly, there was a flash of golden hair in the corner of my eye that made me lift my head. Golden hair hidden beneath a red snapback but peeking out at both sides of your face. My first thought was “Damn, this boy is the most beautiful person I´ve ever seen”. My second thought was that you looked almost as tired as I felt. Your eyes were narrow and your smile sincere, but lazy. You let the others talk, nodding a couple of times, but mostly staring at the ground. I instantly wanted to know what had made you tired, what had kept you up the previous night. I hope nobody saw me standing there, staring at you. I completely forgot where I was for a second. I could already hear them spreading rumours about the new guy peeping at boys. “The new guy´s gay, I´m telling you, you better watch out for him in the dressing room.” I pictured them laughing at me, knowing all my deepest secrets. “Man, that guy is completely mad.” I could feel everything fall apart at Nissen, too, before it had even really started.

I forced myself to turn away and get home as fast as I could. But now that I´m here, it´s taking me back to the middle of the school yard over and over again, standing metres away from a blonde boy called Isak who´s making me feel stuff that confuses the hell out of me. What is it with you looking all tired and silent and out of place? How can you do this to me without doing anything at all? Without even knowing that I exist? 

I haven´t decided yet whether I´m gonna come back to school tomorrow. I don´t know if I can make it. What if they see? What if they find out? What if they know? What if I screw up again? The possibilities of ruining this are endless. Why do I even bother trying? Maybe I shouldn´t. But then again, Isak, what am I gonna do if I don´t see you again? But what am I gonna do if I will? Believe me, it would be better for both of us if you´d just leave my thoughts already. Why can´t you just do that? My head is gonna explode if you don´t give me a break. Except I don´t want you to. Oh, what have I gotten myself into?

I want you to know that I both hope to see you tomorrow and hope to never see you again and I apologise in advance for everything this mess in my head is gonna cause. 

See you or not, 

Even


	2. Creep, 02.09.2016

Kjære Isak, 

It´s been more than a week now, but today I saw you again. This time, it was in the hallway leading to the natural science classrooms. I´ve always been more of the media and art kind of type, but I think I´m considering giving natural science another shot now. Wow, this may be a little too much, even for me. I´m sorry I´m obsessing over you, even if you can´t possibly know that yet. 

First of all, I gotta say that you made my day just by looking so damn cute again. How do you do that? Those blonde curls that you tried to stuff under your snapback are so adorable, I hope I get to touch them at least once before I die. And those lips, dear God, I´ve never seen lips like that before. And I think I saw you have green eyes. Is it true, do you have green eyes? Because if you do, I´m completely lost. 

I really shouldn´t be telling you this, even if you´re never gonna read it. But I shouldn´t be thinking of you like this in the first place. I´ve got a girlfriend, goddamnit. And we´re happy. We really are, you know, she knows me well and she keeps me centred. Not like you, who makes me float up into the sky and then crash down into the ground again before we´ve even spoken. With her, it´s easy. I don´t have to hide from her, I don´t have to explain myself. She knows, and she´s still there. Who else would do that?

And then, I´ve actually found friends at Nissen. There are a couple of guys in my class, Erik and Matheo and Lukas, they´re actually pretty cool. I think it´ll work just fine for me to hang out with them at school, but to be completely honest with you, I don´t know if I have the energy to build new friendships right now. Outside of school and everything, I mean. I´m good with small talk and faking smiles and stuff, but when it comes to getting to know people and being a true friend, there are obviously more than enough ways for me to screw up. 

Of course, I have no idea whether you like music nearly as much as I do, but do you know the song Creep by Radiohead? 

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doin' here?  
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts  
I wanna have control  
I want a perfect body  
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice  
When I'm not around  
You're so fuckin' special  
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doin' here?  
I don't belong here, oh, oh

This song is what´s playing in my head so many times when I´m trying to interact with other people. When I´m trying to act normal. I give my best and I probably even seem normal most of the time, but inside my head I know exactly I´m not. I´m a creep. I´m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I can´t help it, this is how I feel. I´m a creep and everyone else is fucking special. 

But you wanna know who´s the most special person in this entire school? It´s you, Isak. I don´t know why it was you who caught my attention on the first day of school last week. I just know you did and that ever since that moment, I´ve been both looking out for you and trying to avoid you at the same time. You´re right, this doesn´t make any sense to any sane person. But what if I told you I´m not a sane person? Maybe I´m crazy and maybe I´m crazy for you. Either way, it´s killing me not to know what to fucking do about it. Should I figure out a way to talk to you? Should I forget it and not drag you into this mess that is my life? 

Oh, my special boy, will you give the creep a sign? Will you be there on Monday, some place where I can see you? Will you look me in the eyes or turn around and walk in the other direction? I´m gonna be lost if you won´t. 

See you on Monday (?)  
Even


	3. Goodbye My Friend, 17.09.2016

Kjære Isak, 

That´s it. I´m giving up. I´m gonna have to forget about you, no matter how hard it´s gonna be. I´ve come to the conclusion that it´s better that way after I didn´t see you all week until yesterday. I hoped for a sign and you not showing up anywhere near me for four days was one, I guess. But even more importantly, yesterday you looked so fragile, I can´t possibly allow myself to get close to you. You´re not only younger than me (I´ve figured out that you must be in second year by now), you seem so damn innocent. You look sad and a little broken. It hurt seeing you yesterday, because I think you need someone to take you in their arms and put you to bed and keep you warm and safe until you can get a whole night of sleep. It hurt, because I´m afraid nobody else sees that. It hurt, because it´s not gonna be me. 

Maybe I´m reading way too much into your facial expressions. I don´t know you at all, so there´s a good chance I got you all wrong. But there´s something about you that I feel I can relate to. Anyways, it doesn´t matter. If anything of what I imagine bothering you is true, I´m the last person on this planet that could help you. I´d just make everything worse. Believe me, everyone I get to know gets weirded out or hurt. Everything I touch turns to shit. Nothing good ever lasts in my life. Nothing really good. 

What if you´re the best thing? What if you´re the greatest person I know? What if I´m gonna fall for you (there it is, I said it) and even worse, what if you´re gonna like me back? I know my life, and that would only mean more fatal damage. I´m not exactly in the place to afford fatal damage right now, Isak, and neither are you, judging from the circles beneath your eyes. I know I´m being dramatic again and I can´t explain why, but I gut this feeling in my gut. This feeling that something is happening to me. That it´s somehow connected to you. That it would be too good to be true, so it can´t be.

This is why I´m saying goodbye now, before I can say hello and start something I won´t be able to take back. 

 

Oh we never know where life will take us

i know it's just a ride on the wheel.

and we never know when death will shake us

and we wonder how it will feel.

So goodbye my friend

i know i'll never see you again

but the time together through all the years

will take away these tears

It's ok now...

goodbye my friend

I see a lot of things that make me crazy

and i guess i held on to you

i could of run away and left

well, maybe...

but it wasn't time we both knew

So goodbye my friend

i know i'll never see you again

but the love you gave me through all the years

will take away these tears

It's now...

goodbye my friend

Life's so fragile and love's so pure

we can't hold on but we try

we watch how quickly it disappears

and we never know why

But i'm ok now

goodbye my friend.

i can go now

goodbye my friend.

 

Goodbye Isak, 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song lyrics in Chapter 3 are from the song "Goodbye My Friend" (Linda Ronstadt).


	4. On My Way, 04.10.2016

Kjære Isak, 

This goes against everything I wrote in the last letter. It goes against everything I´ve been telling myself I have to do to spare you from getting hurt. Before I continue, I gotta say that I do feel very guilty about throwing all my good intentions away, I really do. The problem is that I´ve completely lost every last bit of control over this.   
I wanted to avoid you, I wanted to forget you and focus on school and the friends I´ve made in my class. I wanted to focus on Sonja, my girlfriend, who doesn´t deserve any of this. I wanted to focus on getting my shit together. 

I failed massively. During the last two weeks, I´ve constantly been spotting your blonde hair in the corner of my eye. I´ve been hearing you laugh. I´ve been hearing people call you by your name. I couldn´t ignore it. 

First of all, I´m glad you looked quite well lately. I mean, you look like an angel pretty much all the time, but I´m still relieved every time my angel seems satisfied, if that makes any sense. Yesterday, I was sitting in the cafeteria right across from you and your friends. I gotta admit that I´m a little confused by what that blonde guy next to you could possibly have been talking about. The bits that I caught sounded weird, to be honest, but what do I know about your friends. And I´m probably not one to judge when it comes to weird stuff, so don´t take this personally. They actually seem nice and fun, your squad. I guess they´re your squad based on the fact that I´ve almost never seen you without them. 

What surprised me though, was that you obviously know Sana. I mean, she and that blonde girl with the high (and slightly annoying) voice (Willa? Vilde? I think I was too distracted to pay proper attention to her), were asking pretty much everyone in the cafeteria to join Kosegruppa (Kosegruppa, seriously?). I, on the other hand, was probably just asked because Sana knows me. At first I freaked a little, because I thought she caught me staring at you and was gonna confront me with it, but then the other girl started babbling about Kosegruppa. Now that I think about it, I feel like I´ve seen you with Sana before, is that right? She´s in second year, too, so it´s rather likely that you know her, right?   
Sana may have been one of the things that made me change my mind about you. Whether you wanna believe in fate or not, she definitely is a connection between the two of us. I was actually rather friends with her brother than her, but Sana has always been my favourite of all my friends´ sisters. With the risk of sounding stupid, I think if you´re friends with her, that´s supposed to mean something. You know, like the universe sending me Sana to tell me that we have something in common, showing me a way to get to know you. Like the universe telling me that giving up is for cowards. I may be a nutcase, Isak, but I´m not a coward. 

You know what would be even better than the universe telling me to talk to you? You doing so. Can we please talk about that moment in the cafeteria yesterday? You were definitely looking at me. Oh my god, I can´t believe you finally looked at me. Why did you do that? Did you like what you saw? Did you feel something? 

I tried to play it cool, of course, but do you have any idea how fast my heart was beating. I´m actually surprised not everyone in the room could hear it. This is so crazy I could scream. If you wanna know how I`m feeling right now, listen to On My Way by Charlie Brown.

But stand up and never say never  
'Cause this life is gonna get better  
Take a breath, shake it off and say  
I'm on my way

You been down and feel so fed up  
When they tell you, you might not get up  
Might not be on top of the world but hey  
Here's what you say

You might work but I work harder  
You might fight but I fight smarter  
Might not be on the top of the world but hey  
I'm on my way  
You might fly but I fly higher  
You're so hot but I'm on fire  
Might not be on top of the world but hey  
I'm on my way

So stand up and never say never  
'Cause this life is gonna get better  
Take a breath, shake it off and say  
I'm on my way

You might work but I work harder  
You might fight but I fight smarter  
Might not be on the top of the world but hey  
I'm on my way

You might fly but I fly higher  
You're so hot but I'm on fire  
Might not be on top of the world but hey  
I'm on my way 

 

Remember Kosegruppa? I don´t know if Sana and her friend actually made you join the meeting on Friday, but I, for one, am on my way. I´m coming for you and I can´t imagine anything better to spend my Friday with. I get goose bumps all over my body at the thought of seeing you there. Maybe we can even talk? Oh, I wish I´m gonna get the chance to talk to you. 

Right now, I don´t care about anything else. Fuck Sonja, fuck playing it cool and acting normal. Fuck all that. I have one single goal on my mind and you looking at me yesterday gave me the push that I needed to finally go for it. 

I better go back to playing all the possible conversations we could have out in my head. I´m gonna be prepared, that´s a promise. 

See you on Friday,

Even


	5. Kosegruppa, 08.10.2016

Kjære Isak,

When I woke up this morning, I thought last night was just a dream. It wouldn´t have been the first time for my brain to imagine talking to you while I´m asleep. Slowly but surely I´m starting to realise that IT WAS NOT A DREAM. You actually came to the stupid Kosegruppa meeting, and I actually got the chance to talk to you. And it didn´t even go that bad. It could have been worse, after all. Oh, I can´t possibly put into words how I feel right now. I think I´m still a little high on Isak. 

If you knew how fucking nervous I was, entering that room. Scared is more fitting, actually. I wanted to just give up and go back home a thousand times on my way to the meeting, but every time some part of my brain said: “What if he´s gonna be there?” And I kept walking, because what if you were gonna be there? And then some other part replied: “What if he is and you´re gonna make a fool out of yourself?” And I stopped, because what if I was gonna make a fool out of myself? And then again: “But ISAK”, and I think ultimately, that was all I needed to go through with it, not without doubts, but without the ability to stay away from you. 

If you knew how many of my new-school-new-me-resolutions I have already ignored because of you. You don´t know this, of course, but I was in a revue group back in Bakka, too. I liked being involved in that stuff, I LOVE Russetiden and being engaged in the whole thing was pretty good for me, giving me a purpose and a good cause to spend my free time with. It´s not really related to the revue group, but after things went south at Bakka, I didn´t want to join another group here at Nissen. Without going in too much detail, I can say that I probably don´t handle responsibilities too well sometimes. What I´m saying is that I´m not only indifferent about Kosegruppa, but feel kind of bad joining, knowing that I´m not gonna be of much use to anyone. 

You certainly can tell where this is going: Ignoring everything I generally think is right for me, I came to attend the meeting yesterday, and I came for you. 

I know you spotted me as soon as I arrived, because I saw you look at me while I was talking to Sana and her friends. Hell, you even raised your head and took your eyes off your phone for me, what an honour. If you knew how relieved I was when you were there, even if you looked quite uncomfortable, sitting as far away from everyone else as possible without leaving the room. (Why did you even come then?) I´m so glad it was not for nothing, that I´m not stuck with that group and especially that lovely group leader for nothing. I almost stumbled when I walked past you to find a seat. Obviously, I wanted to be close to you, surely there was gonna be a chance to introduce myself and have a little small talk or whatever. But then, I didn´t wanna make it uncomfortable for you or anyone else, so I decided to keep my distance for the moment. 

I deeply regretted that decision as soon as Emma stepped up to you. I didn´t know her name right then, of course. In fact, I´d never even seen her at school, but that might be because I generally don´t pay attention to people who are not beautiful blonde boys wearing snapbacks. The thing is, Emma is damn beautiful. She reminded me a little bit of my own girlfriend, Sonja, and I probably could have found her attractive if she hadn´t been flirting with you. I mean, you didn´t exactly seem thrilled to see her, but it struck me in that moment that it´s not unlikely that you like girls only. Do you like girls only, Isak? 

Suddenly, I felt so stupid. I hadn´t even considered you being straight. How brain-dead can I be? I mean, I have a girlfriend too, and I´ve only ever made experiences with females, but I´m still interested in you. I still feel attracted to you, you know, in THAT way. But then again, I don´t exactly serve as a model in anything normal, so why had I not thought of that? 

I woke up from my coma of self-hate when you just left the room, sneaking out the door unnoticed. Unnoticed, except by me. My brain started fucking spinning. What was happening? You were leaving, that´s what was happening, but what was I gonna do about it. I´d fought my own stupid fucking brain so hard to come there in the first place, I wasn´t gonna let you go, was I? I wasn´t. Vilde was talking a whole lot of bullshit (sorry if she´s a friend of yours) and Sana was looking at me from time to time, but when everyone started the love exercise, I took my chance and snuck out to go find you. 

I´d been everywhere all over the entire place when I finally thought about the toilets (not my brightest day). And then I push the door open and hear that sound of someone playing on their phone. I knew immediately that it must be you. On a rational level, you were the only one missing from the group meeting and there was nobody inside the building apart from Kosegruppa, but I think I could also feel that it was you. I could smell you (I can still smell you right now, I hope that doesn´t sound too creepy). 

I think I waited for about five minutes until the noise from your phone stopped and I heard you flush the toilet instead, so I started washing my hands. And then you actually step outside of the stall and you actually stand beside me, washing your hands, too. Do you realise that was the first time the two of us were in a room together, but alone, without anyone else around? I know that was all I could think about. Oh my God, he´s here. Oh my God, he´s right next to me. Oh my God, why is he looking so fucking hot? Oh my God, what am I supposed to do now? I was screaming internally. Screaming for help, because damn, nobody washes their hands forever and I was just making it awkward by standing there, stretching the act of washing and drying my hands eternally. 

I´m so so sorry for that genius fucking idea to just pull out all the paper towels. Seriously, I don´t even know what I was thinking except “DON´T LEAVE, DON´T LEAVE, TALK TO ME!!!” So I, the master of flirting that I apparently am (not), just kept going, assuming it was at least leading to some sort of conversation. In retrospect, I realise that most people would have thought what an asshole I was, which makes me even happier that you didn´t. Or did you? Either way, you did follow me outside. (THANK YOU SO MUCH). To be completely honest, I just disappeared so quickly to not give myself a chance to do any more stupid shit like stealing all the paper towels you obviously needed. (Sorry again). 

I will never forget the confused look on your face when you came outside and joined me on that bench. God, you were so cute. I will never forget the weird way that you twisted your hand to take the joint from me (WTF was that, Isak?). I remember the sound of your voice so clearly, and the memory of your nervous coughing still puts the most ridiculous smiles on my face. Why were you nervous? Was there any reason for you to be nervous, too? 

Another thing I´d like to apologise for, is my terrible dick joke. Ugh, Isak, I swear I didn´t want to make it awkward, but how was I supposed to give you the right hints? I mean, two guys smoking and talking doesn´t necessarily mean anything, right? I guess some part of me (that I wish would just keep quiet while I´m socially interacting) just wanted to make sure you knew I was interested in you. As in INTERESTED. I hope I didn´t scare you away with that. 

I will never forget the mountain that lifted off my chest when you didn´t seem too excited to be in a group with Emma, and more importantly, when you let me save you from her by joining a group with me. Do you know what that means? It means this is not gonna be the last time we get to spend time together. It means I have the perfect excuse to see you again, to talk to you again. What a lucky bastard I am...

Thinking about it like that, I probably should have asked you for your phone number, don't you think? I mean, it wouldn't even have meant anything except that we're Kose-partners now, right? But don't you worry, I'll get to you again. If nothing else, we owe it to Vilde to take our love-spreading job seriously. 

I can't wait to see you again,

Even


	6. Et løfte, 12.10.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Et løfte = A promise
> 
> So this letter is written on Wednesday after Isak asks Vilde about another group meeting and gets talked into hosting the pregame and - most importantly - Even´s slo-mo entrance to the school yard with his sunglasses on. 
> 
> I love that scene so much I had to dedicate a letter to it :)
> 
> There´s gonna be more soon, including more songs Even probably listened to at some point during his evolving relationship to Isak. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

Kjære Isak, 

I know it hasn´t been that long, but I´ve missed you. I haven´t seen you in school on Monday or Tuesday and as ridiculous as it may sound, I already doubted everything I thought there could have been between us at that legendary Kosegruppa meeting on Friday. At least it will be legendary soon, if only between the two of us. That´s a promise. 

Everything´s cool now, because I saw you today, because you´re still there (where else would you be), looking as beautiful as ever. God, why do you have to be so damn beautiful? But most importantly: WERE YOU FUCKING STARING AT ME? Because if you were, you totally made my day – who am I kidding, you made my entire week. I wasn´t even prepared to see you there, you know. This whole week I´ve been watching out for you. Hell, one time I came across two of your guys in the hallway and got all excited even though you weren´t anywhere near. Today my Isak-radar was basically out of order because there was an English vocab test in fifth period that I´d completely forgotten about. (See, you´ve ruined me.) Spontaneously hammering a hundred fucking words into my brain during other classes isn´t exactly a strength of me, so I got kinda stressed out because of it. I can´t really afford to fuck up school that early in the school year. 

Anyways, after I somehow managed to take the test, my class mates Erik and Matheo convinced me to hang out in the school yard for the break. I didn´t even have time to realise you could be there. And then I walk out of the building, put my sunglasses on (wasn´t it a nice sunny day?) and what do I see? BAM. Isak. To be honest, I felt your eyes on me rather than actually spotting you. Either way, I turn my head and there you are. It´s probably not healthy to have your heart do what mine does in moments like that. It kinda just skips one or two beats and then jumps and hammers through my chest and all I can do is wonder how someone can make me feel that way. 

I mean, I fell in love with Sonja once. It´s true. Whatever we are now, I fell in love with her once. I don´t know if I can´t remember it or if she just never gave me those kinda feelings. Well, now that I think about it, I don´t believe she did… But what do you care about her, right? It´s not about her. This has nothing to do with my girlfriend. It´s only you and me. You and me. 

Can you imagine how hard it is to just keep moving and walk towards the guys waiting for me without letting anyone see what´s going on inside me head? Inside all of my damn body? As soon as my brain had processed that you were most likely looking at me, I became so clearly aware of every little detail about me. Was my hair ruined by my endless pulling and tearing in frustration during the school day? Was my denim jacket and sunglasses look too much? Could maybe every single person in the place hear my fucking heartbeat? It was such sweet torture, being watched by you, questioning myself and just being happy at the same time, being relieved there obviously still is a connection between the two of us. 

I wonder if you´ve thought about me nearly as much as I thought about you since Friday. But I´ve made some progress, you know. I´m no longer only fantasizing about your appearance at school. We´re group partners now, remember? That means we´re gonna have actual conversations, so my mind is now occupied with playing put every possible thing to say to you, coming up with all the questions I want to ask you and all the compliments you´re gonna hear at some point. 

I can´t help but be frustrated about you talking to Emma today. I´m so sorry, this sounds terrible, but I can´t stop myself. The thing is, she is clearly flirting with you. I know that, because I´m trying to do the same. I see you the same way she does, so I now pretty well what she wants from you which is not only being in Kosegruppa together or whatever. I also wouldn´t be this jealous if she weren´t so attractive. If I didn´t have reason to assume that you´re straight. Statistically, that´s way more likely than you being anything else. How much do you like Emma, Isak? 

Why does it always have to be so complicated for me? Why can´t I just meet someone and get to know them and like them and have them like me back like normal people? Why does it always end in chaos? I´m sorry, Isak, that it´s already chaotic before it even started. You´re gonna learn that that´s the way it is with me. Sonja is the only person ot´s ever been easy with. That´s basically what I have her in my life for. To make things easy. To make things alright. But you know what I feel like right now?

I feel like I´d give up feeling alright, I´d give away things being easy if it got me racing heartbeats and sweating palms because of beautiful blonde second year boys at Nissen. Yes, Isak, I´d do that. 

I´m gonna prove it to you soon. 

Until then, stay just the wonderful way you are, 

Even


	7. Baby Come Back, 20.10.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is written on Thursday, 20th October 2016, which is the day after Even returns the snapback to Isak (while the boy squad is watching the danse chicks) and the day before the pregame at Kollektivet´s. 
> 
> The mentioned song is Baby Come Back by Player. 
> 
> I´m trying my best to update soon. 
> 
> Enjoy <3 (And tell me if you do so please.)

Kjære Isak, 

I am sorry. I´m sorry for being crazy, pulling off what I pulled off on Friday. I´m sorry for letting you meet Sonja like this. Most of all, I´m sorry I have to apologise so much, even though we don´t really know each other yet. 

At first, let me tell you how you absolutely made my day on Friday. I swear, I didn´t even intend to meet you on the way home, it was just a coincidence. A lucky, lucky coincident, but still not my original intention. Of course, I´m still glad we ran into each other. As you may have noticed from my previous letter, I was dying to see you again, so you can maybe imagine my little heart attack when I spotted you. 

Talking about Friday, I have a confession to make: I didn´t actually forget my ID. It was just an excuse to invite you home with me. God, first the paper towels and now this, I´m usually not that desperate, I promise. Well, maybe I am. It worked, though, didn´t it? I mean, you joined me and back then I even thought you enjoyed the day with me. Did you?  
The entire weekend, I´ve been standing in my room, looking at the pictures and doodles that you looked at. Well, to be completely honest with you, I pretty much just daydreamed about the look on your face when you did. That cute little smile of yours. So adorable. See what you´ve done to me? 

I´ve been sitting by the window where we smoked, listening to Nas, deciding which of his songs I´m gonna show you when I get the chance. I´ve been eating nothing but cheese toasties, which is definitely a little over the top, even for me, now that I think about it. I haven´t put all the spices on them, though. Seriously, that was disgusting, but who am I telling this?

I want you to know this: It was the single greatest day I´ve had all of this school year as long as it were just the two of us. I can´t believe all the stuff I can talk about to you. You know, all the unnecessary, irrelevant stuff that becomes super important as soon as someone gets it. I don´t know how to describe it any better.  
I can´t believe the way you seemed to relax and smile, like really smile, forgetting to look all tired and grumpy for a couple of hours. You´re so damn hot when you smile. You made me forget to be crazy for a couple of hours, too. The only crazy I was, was for you. 

I wish it was still Friday. I wish that afternoon had never ended. It was so easy, if you know what I mean. I wasn´t even trying to impress you anymore. I wasn´t even trying anything. I was just being me. We were just two guys chilling and there was nothing odd about it. Do you know when the last time was that I didn´t feel odd about anything? When everything was simple? When I acted by intuition only? Well, I don´t. I guess what I´m trying to say is, whatever Friday meant to you and how many ever times we´re gonna meet again, thank you for a normal, wonderfully extraordinary day. 

I think that´s what we were having until my friends came over. I was just so occupied with you, I forgot I´d invited them. Of course I didn´t mean for you to meet them. Not that there´s anything wrong with you meeting my friends, but there probably is a whole lot of things wrong with you just casually meeting my girlfriend after a day like that.  
I you knew how I panicked when I realized who must be standing in front of the door. I didn´t know what to do. I didn´t want you to leave. I didn´t want you to think I wanted you to leave, that´s why I invited you to stay. I didn´t want you to find out I have a girlfriend and I sure as hell didn´t want you to shake her hand. But I didn´t want her to become suspicious, either, so I just acted normally around her. 

I know now how that must have seemed to you. Us spending the whole day together. Me flirting with you. Me trying to get to know you, trying to get a connection, just to introduce you to Sonja later. I knew right then that I´d fucked up. I could see it in your face, too. It became more than clear when you suddenly had to leave, not even having the time to properly say goodbye. I´m sorry. Again. 

You know, I actually had hope you´d realised that I was interested in you on Friday. God, I even had some tiny little hope you could feel the same way. Now that I haven´t really seen you at school this week, I feel like all that hope is shattered. More so because of your reaction when I gave you back your snapback yesterday. You didn´t seem too excited to see me again, did you? 

The thing is, I´m not quite ready to give up on this. I shouldn´t have let you meet Sonja. I shouldn´t have acted all boyfriendly around her, kissing and all in front of you. That was me panicking. But you don´t know the truth, Isak. You don´t know how things work between me and her. You don´t know that I do like boys. You don´t know that I do like you. I can´t just leave you alone believing I wasn´t interested when I so am. This is the song I´m listening to right now: 

Spending all my nights all my money going out on the town  
Doing anything just to get you off of my mind  
But when the morning comes I'm right back where I started again  
Been trying to forget you is just a waste of time  
Baby come back  
Any kind of fool could see  
There was something in everything about you  
Baby come back  
You can blame it all on me  
I was wrong and I just can't live without you  
All day long wearing a mask of false bravado  
Trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear  
But as the sun goes down I get that empty feeling again  
How I wish to God that you were here  
Baby come back  
Oh, baby  
Any kind of fool could see  
There was something in everything about you  
Baby come back...  
You can blame it all on me  
I was wrong and I just can't live without you  
Now that I put it all together  
Give me the chance to make you see...  
Have you used up all the love in your heart  
Nothing left for me  
Ain't there nothing left for me  
Baby come back  
Any kind of fool could see  
There was something in everything about you  
Baby come back  
Listen baby you can blame it all on me

I was wrong and I just can't live without you  
I was wrong and I just can't live

I was wrong and I need to do something so I can live with it. I don´t know what you´d think of that, but as Kosegruppa is having a pregame at your place tomorrow, and we just happen to be Kosegruppa partners, I´m thinking about attending the pregame to maybe try and fix things. Would you like me to try, Isak? 

I so hope you do. 

See you tomorrow, 

Even


	8. Nesten, 21.10.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even writes this letter Friday night after the almost kiss at the pregame at kollektivet. 
> 
> Nesten = Almost
> 
> How do you like this so far? :)

Kjære Isak,

about tonight: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WATH WAS THAT??? I can´t believe all that staring and flirting really happened. I can´t believe the kissing didn´t, either.  
I wasn´t even sure coming to the pregame was a good idea, especially after I had to bring Sonja. Sorry for that, but when she found out I was going, she wanted to come along and my useless brain simply couldn´t come up with a reasonable excuse to go without her. I mean, she would´ve just become suspicous, you understand that, right? She knows me too well, Isak. 

And then I enter the party with my girlfriend right beside me but the first thing that I see, I mean, that I really see is you. Blonde hair, green eyes, those pink stripes on your cheeks. God, you were so incredibly hot. When was the last time someone caused you goosebumps all over your body just from looking at them? When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach? I used to think in was stupid to say that, as nobody´s ever had actual butterflies in their stomach and it´s really just weird, but holy fuck does it feel exactly like that to see you. When you look back at me, they go completely crazy. I don´t know if anyone has ever make me feel that way. I don´t think so. 

Do you even know what that means for me? Well, rhethorical question, because you obviously don´t, as you have no idea what is going on with me. But the thing is, feelings are difficult for me. Extra difficult, I mean. I do have extreme feelings rather often. Things can make me incredibly sad for no logic reason. Things can make me ridiculously euphoric without reason. Maybe they´re not even things, maybe it´s just myself. But mostly, I feel empty. I feel less. I feel nothing. It´s blank and cold and heavy. I don´t know how to express it any better. 

Ever since I saw you on the first day of school, I feel full of Isak. I feel more. I feel everything. It´s bright and warm and loud and colorful and I love it.  
You know how I told you Sonja and I were drifting further and further apart? I didn´t say that to convince you to kiss me. I said it because it´s true. She´s simply there, but she makes me feel less every day. But other than you, she was never fireworks to begin with. She was security, I think. She was a smile and steady arms and reassurance. I needed that. But now I feel like the only thing I need is to step closer to the light, to watch the fire from close by, to turn up the volume until my head hurts. 

I don´t know if you understand that. I don´t know if any sane person would understand that. But this is how I feel. And because of that, you can maybe imagine the brick that hit me when I saw you making out with Emma. Fucking Emma again. I´m probably being a little unfair towards her, I seriously don´t have anything against that girl. It´s just that she very urgently has to go find someone else to crush on. I find it very rude of her to flirt with the same person that I flirt with. And I find it very rude of her to kiss you before me. Ugh, it´s not even her fault, I guess, and who could blame her? But she´s just not right for you, Isak. She´s not the one. She can´t possibly have as many butterflies in her stomach as I do. Shit, I got the whole fucking circus going on inside of me. 

Besides, what is it with Emma talking about gays like that? "Gay people are hilarious", seriously? Wow, I truly hope you didn´t feel offended by that stupid bullshit, because I kind of did, and I don´t even consider myself gay. I mean, she clearly doesn´t know better, she´s just a naive little girl that talks before thinking, but I couldn´t help saying something there. Also, I was sort of hoping you´d take my defending gays as a sign that in spite of being in a relationship with a girl, I´m not uninterested in guys. Actually, I don´t care about people´s genders. Well, you´ve most likely figured that out by now. 

After all, I was trying to show you what watching you with Emma felt like when I started dancing with Sonja. I kissed her in the hope that it would provoke some kind of reaction from you. Yes, I wanted you to be jealous, because I was. I had to hold myself back so badly in order to not run across the room and push Emma away and grab you and kiss you. You wouldn´t have wanted that, I suppose, and I´m glad I didn´t freak, but damn, was it hard. So I kissed her instead. But I imagined it was you. 

And then I saw you look at me. And I kept kissing her. And I looked back. And I was so sure you could see it written all over my face, LOOK AT ME KISSING HER! THAT COULD BE YOU! LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME YOU DON´T WANT IT TO BE YOU! You could see it, couldn´t you? And then you kissed Emma. And you kept looking at me. LOOK AT ME KSSING HER! THAT COULD BE YOU! I WANT IT TO BE YOU! That´s what your eyes said, right? 

Tell me you didn´t think we were totally eye-fucking each other there. Tell me you didn´t find it fucking hot. Tell me you didn´t become a little hard, too.  
Can you tell me that?

I was so glad when Emma was gone to the party. I was so glad when Sonja was gone. I was so glad when everyone was gone. I was so glad we were left alone. I was dying from desire. I was starving for you. But when you were standing in your kitchen, I was suddenly scared. You looked so young in the virulent light, somehow innocent. For some reason I can´t explain I felt like I had to explain myself, though, in retrospect, I could slap myself for that genius aluminium-leg story. Sorry. I guess my brain was trying to tell you stuff my mouth didn´t know how to express. Plus, I was so fucking nervous. All kinds of situations make me nervous, but that was something entirely else. 

You were standing right beside me. I could feel the heat radiating off your body. I could smell you; beer and shampoo and lavender and Isak. I couldn´t think straight. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to take your hand and play with your fingers. I wanted to touch your face and stroke your wonderful hair. I wanted to feel your breath against me. I wanted to feel your lips on mine. But I was so scared of scaring you off. I don´t always read people correctly, you know. I often exaggerate. I can be too fast, too much, too soon. I didn´t want that. I wanted to kiss you, but I needed you to let me. I needed you to want it, too. You could´ve easily killed me then, by rejecting me. I was terrified of you rejecting me. 

That´s why I kept talking shit, kept looking at you, kept checking you out. That´s why I came closer, oh so slowly. My heart was riding a fucking roller coaster. And then I was so close. So close to kissing you. And you didn´t retreat. You did look at my lips. You did turn your head towards me. I can´t have imagined that. We were almost there. Your lips centimetres away from mine. Your hair was touching my temple. 

And then we were interrupted. Ugh, Isak, how am I supposed to survive this? I know your friend is more important right now. Of course, I don´t know what´s going on there, and it´s none of my business, but I will never forgive her for interrupting us. Just kidding, I will. Well, if you give me another chance to kiss you, that is. I don´t know how I´m supposed to sleep right now. I can´t stop going back to your kitchen in my mind. I can´t stop imagining what would´ve happened if we hadn´t been disturbed. 

Are you imagining it, too? We almost didn´t have to imagine. Almost. 

I´m so lost for you. Nothing almost about this. 

Even


	9. Krasjet, 22.10.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Saturday after the almost kiss between Even and Isak. Isak texted Even if he wanted to spend time together, but Even replied that he had plans with Sonja. 
> 
> Krasjet = the crash 
> 
> I hope you enjoy these letters. I´m super excited because it´s getting really interesting now, as Isak and Even are getting to know each other better and interacting more and more.  
> I hope you can agree with the way I describe Even´s feelings, especially in regards of his bipolar disorder. I have always identified quite a lot with Even as a person, so I use a lot of my own experience to bring life to his character. I hope that´s okay with everyone. 
> 
> Feel free to make song suggestions for further letters :) Or anything else you think I should include :)
> 
> Enjoy <3

Kjære Isak,

First of all, I can´t put into words how much it means to me that you texted me today. I was so scared the magic could be gone in the morning. It may have seemed like you wanted to kiss me, too, last night, but that doesn´t mean you still do. People do all kinds of crazy things when they drink or party. People do all kinds of crazy stuff for all kinds of other reasons. When I came home, I felt like I was high. I was floating way up in clouds consisting of golden hair and smelling like lavender. (By the way, how come you smell like that? It´s sort of strange, but I love it.)

Not to sound dramatic, but when I woke up this morning, I felt like I´d crashed. I was back to the ground and let me tell you, it sure didn´t feel too great. Above all, I had the chance to kiss you last night and I didn´t take it. I let it slip. I don´t know if I´ll get another one. I don´t know what I´m gonna do if I don´t. 

Unlike me, Emma got to make out with you. She clearly likes you. She´s pretty. You don´t exactly seem to dislike her, either. I can sit here and write letters to you all I want, Isak. I can keep telling myself and you that Emma´s not right for you. I can keep believing that you and me belong together. But it doesn´t really change anything, does it? 

It doesn´t change the fact that she likes you and you like her. It doesn´t change the fact that all your previous relationships or even hookups have been girls. (Yes, I´m a stalker, sorry.) It doesn´t change the fact that for now, she seems to be much closer to getting what she wants than I am. 

I didn´t feel that way when we were left alone after the pregame. When I was standing next to you in your kitchen, I thought I´d hit the jackpot. I was still panicking, but at least I knew I finally had a real reason to panic. I wanted you so badly and because of that, I can´t possibly judge whether you wanted me too, or if that was just wishful thinking. I´m pretty much an expert at wishful thinking, to put it that way. I´m also an expert at catastrophising, so there´s that. The problem is, between the two, I have no fucking clue where we stand. 

I don´t know if that´s too crazy to understand, but it´s the reason I´m so disillusioned today. Sorry to bother you with all my insecurities, but they are part of the reason I can´t spend time with you right now. Still, I was undescribably relieved when I saw your text. I take it you didn´t completely dislike the idea of being kissed by me. I take it you were still thinking about me this morning. I take it I´m not completely making up the chemistry between us. I can´t put into words what that means to me. 

As much as I hate to say this, this is not just about you and me. I told you I had plans with Sonja today and that was not a lie. You may not know her, but you can probably imagine that she wasn´t too happy about me staying behind with you and then going straight home without her. I brought her to a pregame with people from my school, from my revue group, people she didn´t know and then I let her go to the party without me. I abandoned her. She came by at my place earlier and I couldn´t even look at her. You know what the worst part is? She´s not even mad at me. She´s hurt, I can sense that, but she doesn´t blame me for anything. I told her I went home early because I didn´t feel well after the pregame. I told her my phone had died and that´s why I didn´t call her. 

She knows that people´s company can tire me sometimes. She knows that some days, socializing is harder for me than other days. She understands that I need to shut myself off from time to time and she accepts that, even if it means she´s left alone. What she doesn´t know is that I lied to her. I wasn´t feeling unwell at all. I didn´t avoid company, I just avoided hers. I was talking shit about her to you. I told you me and her were drifting apart, and even if that´s the case, which it is, I should have said it to her directly, not to you. That alone feels like I betrayed her. And to top that off, I kissed her imagining it was you and then actually almost kissed you later. What an awesome boyfriend I am. 

And then she comes over and is all comprehensive. She looks at me with those big eyes and I see that she´s worried about me. I wish she wouldn´t worry about me. I wish she wouldn´t buy my bullshit. I wish she'd be as angry with me as she has the right to be. But she´s not and I don´t think I can deal with that. I mean, I´ve always known she´s too good for me, but that is simply too much to take. 

None of this mess is your fault, I know that. It´s me who has been trying to get close to you, not the other way round. It´s me who has a crush on someone who is not their girlfriend. I just don´t know what to do about it. I don´t know what to tell you. I don´t know what to tell her. But she´s expecting me to go shopping with her today anyways, so that´s what I´m gonna do. 

Don´t give up on me, Isak, I promise I´m giving my best to get this right. I´m just beginning to realise that it´s not possible to not hurt anyone in the process. I hate hurting people. I do it all the time because of who I am. I usually don´t do it on purpose. I usually don´t make deliberate decisions that hurt people. But now I´m gonna have to, I assume. Just let me figure out how to minimize the damage, will you? 

I hate how complicated this has become already. 

I´m so endlessly sorry, 

Even


	10. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, 26.10.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla people!
> 
> This one´s from Wednesday before the Helloween party. Even invited Isak to a pregame earlier that week.
> 
> The song is There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths, which never fails to wreck my emotions. 
> 
> Hope you keep reading <3

Kjære Isak,

I´m writing you again, because I seem to have gotten myself into some entirely new level of chaos. I´m so lost in darkness and you are the one dim light remaining that I might turn to. I know this is a bit much to ask of you, which is why I´m not asking you directly. 

If you´d read my previous letter, you would´ve noticed my rather mixed feelings after what happened and what almost happened Friday night. Yes, I´m incredibly, tinglily happy. Yes, I feel crushingly guilty. Yes, I´m massively confused and I have no fucking idea how to clear things up. I don´t even mean clearing things up for you, or Sonja, or anyone, but for myself. What do I even want? Am I in love with you? And if so, does that mean I´m no longer in love with her? 

On Saturday, I thought it would be best to spend the afternoon with her as usual and for once not think about you. I felt like I owed it to her. I mean, if I don´t have the balls to tell her something is off, then I at least have to keep being her boyfriend, right? Of course, I failed spectacularly. Have you ever had that argument with your brain where you tell it to forget about that one particular person just for a while and it only becomes more obsessed with the thought of them? Because that´s pretty much exactly what happened. 

Sonja was still not being mad or anything when we left, but she knew right away that I was not entirely with her. "What are you thinking about, Honey?", she asked me. She does that quite a lot, even though I`vetold her before how much I hate this question. I mean, I can´t possibly explain everything that is going on inside my head all the time. Also, if it was something I wanted to share with hear, I´d be saying it out loud, not keeping it inside. I obviously didn´t want to talk about it, but she asked anyway, which made me lie to her. Again. "Nothing," I told her, as if we didn´t both know that I was full of shit. I hate answering questions when I can´t answer them honestly. Lies are complicated and it´s hard to keep track of all the lies you´ve told. At some point, you lose control over them. I hate losing control. 

From then on, the whole atmosphere between us was heavy and grey and growling. She tried too hard to not step on my feet. She practically treated my like a fucking baby. I hate being treated like a baby. I´m nineteen years old, I think I can pretty much be considered a somewhat grown-up. (Well, maybe I can´t, but she could at least have pretended.) I don´t even know what exaclty it is that I´m complaining about, to be honest. It´s not like she did anything wrong. I think I just can´t stand her presence anymore. 

How can she not know that it´s time for her to leave me alone? Can she not feel the distance between us growing bigger and bigger every day, especially the hours we spend together? Does she not know me well enough to realise that this has nothing to do with my usual issues? How can she be so blind to what´s happening to us? I wish she could see it. I wish she´d just know, because then, I wouldn´t have to tell her. 

I don´t know how to tell her, Isak. I tried pissing her off by simply ignoring her all Sunday and Monday. I just didn´t react to her texts, I didn´t take her calls, I didn´t come over to her parents´place for dinner like I was supposed to on Monday evening. I wanted her to finally be mad at me. (Yes, that´s exactly how low I´ve sunk.) What can I tell you, it didn´t work the way I wanted it to. After I´d invited you to the pregame, I literally told her that our date-night was off because I´d rather have a pregame with you, and all she said was "Is he bringing Emma? She´s such a sweet girl." I mean, I didn´t even mean for her to be there, let alone make this about her and Emma becoming girlfriends or whatever. She just doesn´t seem to get a hint. This is gonna be harder than I thought. 

Well, very fortunately, my lovely parents have barged in now. I suspect that Sonja has talked to them about me being weird lately. She knows them well and they think the world of her, so it wouldn´t take much for her to convince them to do something. And they did. They came into my room this morning before I left for school, asking all kinds of stupid and annoying questions about what I´ve been up to lately and how I´m doing at Nissen and everything. I know they just care about me, but caring parents can be a damn pain in the ass sometimes. Especially because this time, it truly doesn´t have to do anything with what they most likely believe. 

"Don´t you think you´re being a little unfair to Sonja?", my Mom said. "She seems rather sad," my Dad unnecessarily added, "why would you want to make her sad, Even?" Well, Newsflash, I don´t. I just don´t see any way not to. Ugh, as if my conscience wasn´t bad enough already. I´m usually not the type to throw tantrums, so when I told my parents to piss off and leave me alone, when I went outside and slammed the door, when I waited out in the cold in my pj´s for them to leave for work until I gtot back inside to get dressed and go to school myself, that probably didn´t make them any less worried. I was a little surprised by my sudden temper myself, but I understand now that what made me flip out was that they were right and I knew it. 

I´m trying to get things right but I do the opposite instead. Sonja must hate me now. My parents are mad at me. They don´t like childish behaviour. They´ve taught me to be sensible and responsible, to solve problems and disagreements like an adult, by talking them out. Maybe they´re not mad, but they´re definitely disappointed, which really is much worse.   
No Sonja.  
No Mom and Dad.  
No actual friends at Nissen because I´ve been too busy obsessing over you to build any real friendships there.   
As I often do when I feel lost, I´ve turned to music today, though it doesn´t make me feel any bit better.

Take me out tonight  
Where there's music and there's people  
And they're young and alive  
Driving in your car  
I never never want to go home  
Because I haven't got one  
Anymore  
Take me out tonight  
Because I want to see people and I Want to see life  
Driving in your car  
Oh, please don't drop me home  
Because it's not my home, it's their Home,  
and I'm welcome no more  
And if a double-decker bus  
Crashes into us  
To die by your side  
Is such a heavenly way to die  
And if a ten-ton truck  
Kills the both of us  
To die by your side  
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine  
Take me out tonight  
Take me anywhere, I don't care I don't care, I don't care  
And in the darkened underpass I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last  
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I Just couldn't ask)  
Take me out tonight  
Oh, take me anywhere,  
I don't care I don't care, I don't care  
Driving in your car  
I never never want to go home  
Because I haven't got one, da ...Oh,  
I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus  
Crashes into us  
To die by your side  
Is such a heavenly way to die  
And if a ten-ton truck  
Kills the both of us  
To die by your side  
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out  
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

I don´t know what to do, Isak, but I´m holding onto the light that never goes out that is you. I hope that´s okay. 

Don´t let the light go out until Friday.

Until then, 

Even


	11. Satellite, 01.11.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is from the day before the locker room scene.
> 
> It´s taken me a few days now to finish this letter because  
> a) this is by far the longest one so far and  
> b) I wrote it five or six times and started over again because I felt I wasn´t meeting Even´s emotions quite right. 
> 
> I still feel a little insecure, but here it is anyways. :)
> 
> Thanks to everyone for keeping up so far, it means the world to me. <3

Kjære Isak, 

I am officially and irrevocably in love with you. 

After this weekend with you, I´m having a million feelings and almost as many thoughts in my head. The point is, all of those feelings, all of the thoughts, simply everything that´s going on inside me right now comes down to one thing: being in love with you. 

I loved loved loved kissing you and I´d like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life doing exactly that, which is because I´m in love with you. 

I´m incredibly happy that you obviously like me back well enough to kiss me and spend the weekend cuddling and talking, which is because I´m in love with you. 

It makes me a weirdly awesome kind of proud how much you opened yourself up to me with all your talking about life and parallel universes. You might be younger than me, but damn you´re smart, Isak. Having you share your beliefs with me matters so much, because I´m in love with you. 

Also, it scares the shit out of me how much I need you to like me. It scares me, because you have no idea what you´re signing up for, believe me. I´m afraid of fucking this up, because I´m in love with you and it will kill me. 

I feel guilty towards Sonja, because I´m in love with you and not her. 

So, in case you´ve noticed I wasn´t in school this week so far, it´s because I´m trying to process everything. I guess you could say this letter is an attempt to sort the warm and fuzzy mess in my mind. This is what I´ve got so far: 

About Friday night at your place: I know it was hella awkward with the obvious tension between me and Sonja, and I´m really sorry for that. I hope you know it wasn´t my intention to even bring her, but she wanted to come along and she already had this idea for us to go as God and an angel so there wasn´t anything reasonable I could`ve said to be left alone. I didn´t want to make her any more suspicious, after all. Also, I treated her like shit enough already, which she doesn´t deserve. As much as she´s been annoying me lately, it´s actually not at all her fault. It´s me, and I knew it. So I brought her. 

Of course, I knew I was screwed as soon as I saw you dressed up as Julius Caesar. So fucking hot, Isak. I couldn´t take my eyes off of you. I´d been spending an entire week thinking about nothing else but how your lips must taste and it was killing me. I felt like it must have been written all over my face. She must have been able to see it there, same as Emma. I thought I´d explode at any moment. 

And then I´m sitting there, trying to figure out how to get rid of them, not being able to have one clear thought with my brain screaming your name over and over again, my heart bumping against my chest so incredibly loudly I almost couldn´t stand it. And then, of course, because the chaos in my head isn´t loud enough already, she has to annoy me some more with her stupid condescending way of reminding me to go easy on the beer. The world wasn´t going easy on me, either. 

I´m sorry for hurting her the way I did right then. I know she´s just worried. I know she wants the best for me, but it´s kind of hard to see that when all I´m seeing is a damn gorgeous roman sex god in front of me. So I had to get away. Wrong, I had to get away with you. 

About making you an accomplice to a break-in: Sorry for that, but somehow I´m not sorry at all. It´s not like I planned to break into someone else´s house. I just wanted to take you away from the girls, somewhere where we´d be alone. Somewhere quiet. It wasn´t until when we rode through that neighbourhood that I realised we were near the house of my former classmate, Karl. 

I swear I´m usually not a huge fan of criminal actions, but I somehow remembered his swimming pool and then I somehow thought about this one scene in Romeo and Juliet, which is one of my all time favourite movies. I´ve always loved the part where they kiss in the water, where everything is lighter, somehow pure. Pure like Isak, the one who ´s the actual angel around here, I thought and once I´d thought it, everything I wanted to do was to kiss you in that swimming pool. You were right to ask your suspicious questions about my “aunt” on vavation, but you were much more right to follow me inside anyways.

I realised that I hadn´t thought the whole thing through when we were standing there, taking off our shoes and headgears. Honestly, I wasn´t just teasing you about your hair out of fun, I just panicked, not knowing whether it was okay to take our clothes off or not. I was sensing I could easily ruin the moment by pressuring you too much. God, if you knew how nervous you can make me. I´m glad you just nudged us both in. 

So there I was, in a wonderfully light blue swimming pool with you, so close to what I wanted. But when I looked at you I didn´t know whether I was actually close, or maybe kilometres away. You were too beautiful to be true, too real in front of me. The noise in my head was back again, a hundred different voices suggesting what to say to you and what to do and how to act to get you closer. Say something funny. Say something smart. Take his hand. Just go ahead and kiss him. No, ask him first. No, just do it.  
But just the angel that you are, you came to my rescue by challenging me to hold my breath under water. When we submerged into the blue, my mind went quiet. There was nothing but me and you. You`ll never know just how wonderfully beautiful you looked in that moment. 

I wanted to touch you, so I stretched out my hand, but freaked out in the last second and chose to grab your neck instead. Great move, I know, but I thought I could make it seem like I was just distracting you. Only that the moment I felt your smooth skin beneath my fingertips, I knew we weren´t playing anymore. So I did it, afraid that it could be too late once we came to the surface again. It was the single greatest thing my lips had ever felt. 

But you looked so confused that I became really, really afraid I´d misread the whole situation. For a short moment, I was convinced you´d be upset, or worse, just get out of the pool and leave, and never speak to me again. So I tried to play it cool, though, I promise you that, I was so not cool. But holy fucking shit, Isak, you didn´t seem upset. I won´t accept losing because of that. You wouldn´t say what, you wouldn´t use the word kiss, but it was enough. You weren´t upset, you wanted to go again. 

My heart skipped a beat when you said that, and two or three more when you were the one to kiss me again. And honestly, who knew it could feel even better than I´d been imagining every single second of an entire week. But it did. All fireworks and butterflies and shooting stars. Kissing Isak Valtersen, the boy who couldn´t hold his breath under water. The boy who couldn´t hold his breath under water when he was with me. I still can´t believe it. 

I didn´t even care about that little girl having caught us. She must be Karl´s little sister. Maybe I´ll text him some time, thanking him for the awesome movie-like experience I had in their pool. Just kidding. 

About returning to your place after our little adventure: I know that, just like me, you weren´t just trembling because of the cold, wet clothes on your skin. I heard that little relieved sigh from your mouth when we entered the apartment and neither Sonja and Emma, nor any of your flatmates were there. I can´t blame you. 

You probably felt the same as me, not sure what was supposed to happen next, the two of us standing there with still dropping wet clothes and beating hearts and pulsing lips. I just wanted to kiss you again. I just wanted to hold onto your proximity, your touch. 

I looked around your room while you were in the bathroom to change while I undressed and dressed again myself. Not to be complaining, but you need to learn how to organize your stuff, seriously. It´s cute though, that (judging from the books on your desk) you´re into natural science. I´d rather taken you for a sports guy, to be honest. I wonder what this boy could teach me about biology tonight, I thought, not being able to resist making a bad joke, not even the night of our first kiss. Sorry, you´re gonna learn that I´m much crazier than this. 

I´ve never felt more normal, though, than the moment I lay next to you in your bed, holding you tight, feeling your breath flattening against my neck. Falling asleep with the boy I´m in love with. I can´t tell you what that means to me. Have you ever done something for the very first time but felt like there must have been a time in your life when you used to do it every day because it feels so natural, you suddenly realise you´ve been missing out for your whole life until then? Because that´s what holding you in my arms feels like. It´s not even about kissing, or touching. It´s just that I don´t know how I´ve managed to survive so far away from you until now. It´s just that I won´t ever manage to survive it again. 

About the whole Saturday we spent in your bed together: I don´t think I´ve ever done something more extraordinary than that. You know, I didn´t think about the world outside your room on Saturday. No Sonja, no Emma, nobody else but you and me. I could practically feel myself falling for you a little more with every word you said, with every smile you gave me. 

I didn´t know that could be enough. I didn´t know you could just lie in bed all day with one person talking and not wish for anything more. I didn´t know I´d ever experience something that´d bring me so much peace and calm and security. I didn´t know someone could make me feel all that just by being there, touching me, talking a little. You know, if you´re right and there´s an infinite number of parallel universes existing, I still don´t think there was an Even who was having any bad feeling on Saturday. 

I love how you told me all that stuff, you know. I love how you disagreed with what I said because you have a different view on the world. Yours is so much more promising, after all. I kind of like the thought of a parallel universe where an Even is still holding his Isak in his arms, where he let him go. I´m afraid it doesn´t matter much in this universe, but I still like the idea. 

About Sunday morning: I´m sorry I left while you were still asleep. I didn´t know how to let you go. I didn´t know how to say goodbye after what had happened between us. I knew I had to face the consequences, and that had me quite uncomfortable. I didn´t want you to see that reality had crashed back in. I apologise if you were upset about waking up alone. Right then, I just couldn´t do better. 

I didn´t want to just leave you like that, either. After staring at you from the door for an embarrassingly long time, I decided to leave you the drawing. I hope you liked it. I hope you keep it. It´ll be quite valuable once the film about the boy who couldn´t hold his breath under water has aired. 

I hope it´s not a problem for you that I ran into Eskild in the bathroom. You clearly didn´t want him to know you had someone over when he knocked on your door on Saturday, so I hope I haven´t drawn any unwanted attention to the topic of your company. Eskild seems like a super nice guy, though. 

About me ditching school this week: Believe me when I tell you that I very urgently want to see you again. It´s just that the next time we meet, I want everything to be a little less messy, I hope you understand that. After I was home on Sunday, I realised what had happened. None of this is your responsibility, I´m just trying to explain something to you, but I practically cheated on Sonja. I stole you from Emma. I stayed away from home and had my parents rather worried. 

Look, I don´t want this to be so complicated. When I was with you this weekend, everything seemed easy. Everything I did and said just came naturally. I want that. And I think you deserve that. You deserve someone who´s ready to make commitments, so I´ve sort of taken this week to clear the path for us. I´ll tell you what I mean. 

About Sonja: I went to see her on Monday. She was already angry because I bailed on her again on Friday and this time, she couldn´t hide it as well. I didn´t waste much time apologising and went straight to telling her about kissing you. So she knows where I was the weekend and she knows why. 

She looked shocked at first. Then, she twisted her mouth in a really strange way and laughed, except she clearly wasn´t very amused by what I was telling her. “Is it happening again?”, she asked me. No. It wasn´t happening again. It isn´t happening again. (I´ll explain later.) I shook my head no. I kept shaking my head. She didn´t get it. She thought it was me being crazy. I told her it wasn´t. It didn´t help much. 

I got a little angry with her, too, because I was telling her I didn´t love her anymore. I literally said it like that. I was telling her I´d fallen for someone else and she blamed it all on me being nuts. She doesn´t know how wrong she is. I do. So we got in some sort of a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but more of a discussion where each party keeps stating their opinion, feeling unheard and misunderstood but not accepting the opposing view either. The short version is that we decided to take a break. I´m not taking a break, though, because I´m not ever going back to her. 

I wish I knew what you think about that. Me and Sonja being over. Me actually being available to you. The possibility of the two of us dating. What do you think about that, Isak?  
About everything that can´t possibly make sense to you yet: It´s kind of a hard thing to tell you. I´m very much afraid you´ll reject me because of it. I´m scared you´ll treat me differently. The way you looked at me when I last saw you with your eyes open. I never want to you to look at me any differently. But I´m afraid you will. 

In spite of my fear, I have to tell you who I am. I´m in love with you and I want this to be a serious thing between us to. I´m not gonna start this with lies. Lies, probably small ones, that I´m gonna have to tell to hide this from you: I´m bipolar. 

I don´t know how much you know about bipolar disorder. All I need you to know is what it means for me. It means that I have manic and depressive episodes, often triggered by particular events or feelings. It means that sometimes, the sun shines brighter, and the music sounds louder, and I can´t stop running, running through life as if I could miss out on something if I didn´t do all the things that there are to do. It means that sometimes, the sky is grey and I´m tired, oh so tired and all I feel is emptiness that can´t be filled, no matter how hard I try to fight it. 

It means that I sometimes swing between the two extremes like a pendulum, and it´s not always easy to tell where I am at one moment, not even for me. It means that even when I´m doing somewhat okay, even when everything seems normal, I have a hard time trusting my own feelings, because they´ve lied to me so many times before. 

I do some crazy shit sometimes, when I go manic. I once learned all Harry Potter audio books by heart and recorded them myself, because it seemed to me that I needed to have a version of it with my own voice reading the story. When I´m depressed, I generally do nothing at all. I just sleep, trying to forget that there´s nothing inside me. 

I don´t know whether this helps you understand it at all, it´s just how I feel about it. If you still like me now, you can ask me anything you want to know about it, everything you need to understand me. If this is too much for you to deal with, if you don´t want to see me again, I don´t blame you. I´ve been living with bipolar disorder for a couple of years now, and I don´t expect anyone to deliberately choose to do so. 

About you: I´m in love with you. I don´t know how many times I´ve said it now, but I need you to know. Which is why I´m gonna tell you. Everything, I mean. Everything that I´ve just written in this letter. 

Do you remember the winning song of the Eurovision Song Contest 2010? Because it´s playing in my head over and over and over again. 

Love, oh love  
I gotta tell you how I feel about you  
Cause I, oh I  
Can't go a minute without your love

Like a satellite  
I'm in orbit all the way around you  
And I would fall out into the night  
Can't go a minute without your love

Love, I got it bad for you  
I saved the best I have for you  
You sometimes make me sad and blue  
Wouldn't have it any other way

Where you go, I'll follow  
You set the pace, we'll take it fast or slow  
I'll follow in your way

You got me, you got me  
A force more powerful than gravity  
It's physics, there's no escape

Love, oh love  
I gotta tell you how I feel about you  
Cause I, oh I  
Can't go a minute without your love

Like a satellite  
I'm in orbit all the way around you  
And I would fall out into the night  
Can't go a minute without your ...

Love, oh love  
I gotta tell you how I feel about you  
Cause I, oh I  
Can't go a minute without your love

Yes, Isak, I´m gonna tell you how I feel about you. There´s no other way now. Not after this weekend. Not after the taste of your lips that is still on mine somehow. I feel the urge to just race over to your place and climb up to your window and make my confession. I promise I´m gonna hold back until I see you in school tomorrow, until we´re alone and undisturbed. 

I´m gonna tell you everything. There are not gonna be any secrets between us. I want you. And I want to do this right. Okay, I´m like super nervous about this, but if you kiss me again tomorrow I´ll be the happiest person on earth. I guess I´ll go back to practicing my speech now. Just kidding. Well, not entirely, I suppose. 

I can´t wait to see you.

Love you, 

Even


	12. No Good in Goodbye, 02.11.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even writes this one right after the locker room scene. There are a couple of tear-soaked spots on the paper.

Kjære Isak,

I can´t believe I let myself think I´d have a chance with you. Love does make people blind.

You´re right when you say that your life would be better without mentally ill people around you. I want you to be happy, even if it means that I´m alone, which is why this is goodbye then. 

I´m just sorry I let it come so far that there´s no easy way to say goodbye anymore. 

All the things that we've lost  
Breaking up comes at a cost  
And know I miss this mistake  
Every word I try to chose  
Either way Im gonna lose  
Cant take the ache from heartbreak

Ooh but as you walk away  
You don't hear me say

Where's the good in goodbye?  
Where's the nice in nice try?  
Where's the us in trust gone?  
Where's the soul in soldier on?

I'm the low in lonely  
Cuz I don't own you only  
I can take this mistake but  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak

No matter how it falls apart  
There's an art in breaking hearts  
But there's no fair in farewell  
When I see you in the street  
I pray to God you don't see  
The silent Hell in I wish you well

Ooh but as you walk away  
You dont hear me say

Where's the good in goodbye?  
Where's the nice in nice try?  
Where the us in trust gone?  
Where's the soul in soldier on?

I'm the low in lonely  
'Cause I don't own you only  
I can take this mistake but  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak

If I could turn back time  
Then I would rewrite those lines  
If I could turn back time  
Then I would rewrite those lines

Where's the good in goodbye?  
Where's the nice in nice try?  
Where the us in trust gone?  
Where's the soul in soldier on?

I'm the low in lonely  
'Cause I don't own you only  
I can take this mistake but  
I can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
Can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
Can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
Can't take the ache from heartbreak  
(take the ache, take the ache)  
Can't take the ache from heartbreak

If I could turn back time  
Then I would rewrite those lines

But I can´t. 

Goodbye, Isak.

Even


	13. Fortstatt elsker deg, 03.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

Why does this have to be so hard? How am I supposed to ever let you go? This might be worse than all the depression in my life combined. 

I´m writing to you, because I don´t know what else to do. It´s the only way I know to tell you all the stuff I want you to know. The only way that doesn´t require me, a mental case, becoming part of your life. I would only hurt you. I think we can agree that you´ve dealt with enough madness already. 

If I´d known about your Mom, I would never have tried to get close to you in the first place. I know what a burden mental illnesses can be for the ones close to the patients. I´ve watched my friends leave and my parents´marriage get wrecked. They´re trying their best to somehow keep it together, but I know just how much they´re struggling. And I know why. It´s incredibly difficult to always have to worry about your child. It´s incredibly exhausting to constantly fight about what´s the best for them, which they still do every day, even years after my diagnosis. I love my parents more than anything, and I´d never intentionally hurt them, but I´m still the reason they´re not as happy as they used to be. 

Did you know I have a little baby sister? Her name is Matilde. She´s only eight years old. She´s got the cutest little blonde curls on her tiny head, much lighter and softer than yours. There´s no other sound in the world than can compete with her laugh. I used to carry her around all the time, even when she was in kindergarten and my parents insisted that she was too heavy to keep doing that. She was the sun in my life, rising after eleven years of being an only child, the greatest gift my parents could have made me. 

My bipolar disorder was diagnosed when I was fourteen. I´d begun to show extreme mood swings and my parents suspected that something wasn´t quite right with me, but nothing´s going entirely right during puberty, they used to say, so the didn´t think there was anything as serious as a mental illness behind it. That was until my very first major manic episode. A certain restlessness had been building up inside me for days when one afternoon, I decided I had to see how far I can throw all my shoes from the window of my room. I started throwing them out into our garden, sometimes the even got behind the hedge onto the sidewalk. I found it hilarious and couldn´t stop myself from laughing out loudly. Over my shoe-throwing obsession, I´d forgotten I was supposed to pick up Matilde from kindergarten. I didn´t realise it until I heard a scream from behind the hedge. She´d waited for me to pick her up for half an hour and then walked home by herself only to be greeted by a fucking shoe thrown at her three-year-old head. She was crying. I was still laughing. 

I never laughed about it again after everything was over. My parents were furious, of course. I was taken to a doctor and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I fell into a deep and dour depression. But the absolute worst about it was the fear in my baby sister´s eyes everytime I made a sudden move or talked too loudly ever since. I still pick her up from school or a friend´s sometimes and walk her home, but she´s never tried to take my hand again. She doesn´t trust me anymore. She´s scared of me. And she has every right to be.

I´ve cost Sonja four years of her life. She was still a girl when I met her. She was fifteen and innocent and full of life and ambition. Not that I ever wanted that, but I´ve turned her into a caregiver. She fell in love with me, and look where that got her. She made all her life about taking care of me. It´s not fair, Isak. It´s not fair that she´s given me so much of her time and energy, that she´s given up the chance to be with someone who could actually make her happy. It´s not fair that all she´s ever got from me was sorrow and pain and anger. All the love she´s drowned me in and I couldn´t even be grateful. Instead I cheated and fell in love with you. 

Do you see where this is going? I know what it means for people to get close to me. I know what I do to them, and no matter how much I hate it, which I do, I can´t stop it. I´m not normal Isak, I can´t behave like I was. I can´t drag you down into the black whole that is my madness. I can´t drag any more people down, but especially not you, who is the purest soul that I know and who´s already burdened with a mentally ill parent. Judging from the fact that you´ve moved out from your parents´and that you´re not in touch with her, I can imagine how hard it must be for you. If I can spare you any more pain of that sort, that´s what I´m gonna do, even if I gotta admit that it´s killing me. 

But you´re a wonderful boy, Isak. You´re smart and kind and funny, you´re ridiculously beautiful. It won´t be hard for you to find someone else. Someone sane, that is. But the world is full of wonderful people. Someone will see just how special you are, I´m sure of it. 

I hope you don´t mind if I keep writing you letters, which, of course you don´t, because you don´t know, but still. It´s not gonna be easy for me to give you up. 

For your sake, I will. 

Still love you,

Even


	14. Here Without You, 06.11.2016

Kjære Isak,

God, I miss you so fucking much, I don´t know what else to say. It´s alarmingly easy to fall for someone so hard you can´t seem to get back up when they´re gone. It was alarmingly easy to fall for you. I didn´t even realise it was happening until it was too late. And now I´m lying on my bed thinking about you, always thinking about you.

I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight boy, it's only you and me.

Backing off and setting you free was the only choice I had, really, after hearing about your Mom, but it´s killing me nonetheless. How can something you know is right be so damn hard to go through with? I mean, if I´m truly in love with you, I should put you and your feelings first, right? I have to do what´s best for you and not be selfish in this. I know that, Isak, and I´m not gonna be selfish. I´m gonna keep my distance from you. I´m gonna be strong. You deserve that. 

Still, this might be the hardest thing I´ve ever done. It hurts, Isak, knowing that this is already over. That I´ll never get the chance to truly know you. That I´ll never be able to steal another kiss from those wonderfully curved lips of yours. That I´ll never hear your sleepy voice talk about the universe again. That I´ll never get to hold your hand again. What life is that, Isak? 

I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight boy, it's only you and me.

Look, I´m only telling you this because you won´t ever read it anyways. I don´t know what sense it makes if I can´t have you. I´ve spent the entire school year so far looking out for you, thinking about you, dreaming of golden curls and green eyes and swimming pools and soft kisses. Well, it may not have been healthy just how much I´ve been obsessing over you, but I can´t change the way you´re always on my mind, Isak. Always, like all the damn fucking time. Honestly, I´m tired of all this want and need that doesn´t lead anywhere but utter disappointment, when I wake up in the morning and realise that it´s been just another dream. When realitiy settles back in and I know it´s all in vain, because I´m not even supposed to want you. It´s driving me crazy, let me tell you. 

I´ve been out on Friday. Not that I was in any mood to party, especially after you texted me on Thursday. I swear, I read your message and for a second, my brain was all like YES YES YES HE LIKES ME BACK, like YES YES FUCKING YEAH HE WANTS TO HANG OUT, until I practically told it to shut the fuck up, because I had already decided to stay away from you. You don´t know into how many pieces my heart broke when I texted you that I wouldn´t hang out. I didn´t even have the balls to just end it. Instead I told you I needed time, as if time would make anything easier, as if it would make me any less crazy, any less toxic for you. I just couldn´t bring myself to write it out, you know, that it´s over. That it´s hopeless. That it never should have started in the first place. 

So I was like on an extra low low when Sonja appeared at my place on Thursday evening. Yeah, I know what you´re thinking. Weren´t Sonja and I supposed to be on a break? We were. At least that´s what I´d thought. Apparently, she didn´t take me too seriously when I told her about you and not being in love with her anymore. I don´t know what´s wrong with her, honestly. She basically just barged into my room and told me we were going to this party at Emma´s on Friday. I was a little too surprised to react right away. She just stared at me expectantly. "Uhm, no?", I replied, wondering whether I hadn´t been clear enough before. "Come on Even," she said, she was obviously annoyed with me, "how long do you want to keep doing this?" 

Honestly, she got me a little pissed there, because for once in my life I´d done the right thing and told her the truth, but she hadn´t understood it. She thought I was just on my way to another episode. She thought it was the craziness in me. Isak, my disease has caused me to do a lot of stuff, to feel a lot of feelings, but what I feel for you has nothing to do with it at all. Nothing. At all. Actually, I think the weekend we spent in your bedroom was the first time in ages that I´ve been just Even. I swear I was not sick that weekend. So I told her to fuck off. She wouldn´t go. I was tired. Tired of explaining myself when I knew she wouldn´t really listen anyways. She thinks she knows me better than I do myself. Well, admittedly, I believe the same thing most of the time. But not when it comes to you, Isak. She can´t possibly know what it feels like. She can´t. She doesn´t. But there was no point in arguing, so I just didn´t say anything at all. She kept standing in the middle of my room for a while. When she walked out of my door, she told me she´d pick me up at eight the next day. Right then, I hated her. Maybe I´d be less sick if she´d just stop treating me like I´m brain-dead already. 

I didn´t want to go. I thought I could just leave the house before she´d come around and leave her waiting. I didn´t think I could deal with her. But then my parents took her side once again, molesting me at seven in the fucking morning on Friday. Of course they knew I´d pissed Sonja off the night before. They wouldn´t have it. Sometimes I wonder whether they love her more than me. Sometimes I wonder whether they´d rather have her as a child. They don´t and they wouldn´t, I know that, but still, sometimes I wonder. They made it all about Sonja making friends with Emma and me being supposed to support her and shit. They realised I wasn´t trying to be a good boyfriend anymore, eventually, so they changed tactics. 

"Even, honey," my Mom began, "we´ll take you to the doc if something´s wrong with you." She got me there. "Is someting going on with you?" Well, there´s pretty obviously something going on with me and they know it, but it has fucking nothing to do with my fucking bipolar. The last thing I wanted was for them to make me go see my doctor again. The very last second, I violently stopped myself from exploding and pretended like everything was alright instead. "All is good," I lied, "I was just tired yesterday." You should have seen the relief on my parents´faces when I told them I´d go to the party with Sonja. They probably thought they only just escaped another one of my proper freak-outs. If only they knew. I put on a fresh shirt and waited for Sonja at ten to eight. 

The party was shit, really. Too many people in the place, mostly first years, 16-year-olds whom I don´t have any interest in knowing. Well, there was this one guy from my class who is kind of okay, I guess, but still, meh. So I got drunk. After a few beers and some tequila shots, it actually got better. I was having fun. Drunk me was having fun, at least. Sonja was having fun. I´d forgotten how much she loves to go out and dance. I´d forgotten how free she seems when she´s swirling around with that big smile on her face. I don´t love her anymore, but that look will never not make me happy. Even after all this shit, she´s just a young and pretty girl who loves life and music and people, who has that big fat smile and an even bigger heart. She´s always gonna be that girl for me, even if we´re not together anymore. I let her light me up. It felt great for a moment, before her blonde hair reminded me of yours. I was drunk, so I let myself fantasize. What if I could be here with Isak, I thought, what if I´d be this worriless and happy and free with Isak. And then she kissed me, except I was kissing you, because with my eyes closed and my blood alcoholised I could pretend, even if it was just for a moment. The dream was too good to wake up, even if I knew I was dreaming. 

I shouldn´t have kissed her. This is not helping me prove to her that I´m serious when I say I don´t love her anymore. I even feel like I betrayed you, which is fucking crazy, considering that I´ve already given up on us two. Fucking crazy, Isak. Welcome to my world. The point is, it hurts now more than before, to not be with you. How did this whole situation get so messed up? Why was everything clear when I was with you and why is it that shit just gets worse and worse since I´m not anymore? How can a person miss another person so badly? 

I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight boy, it's only you and me.

I know I don´t have the right to anymore, but I can´t help but wonder if you think about me too, sometimes. I´m sorry if you do. Missing someone is hell. 

I´m sorry, 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we´re still stuck in November 2016 with this, Even´s letter for Isak´s birthday will only be posted on my tumblr and of course be added to this work when time´s come, so if you want to read it on Isak´s actual birthday, you can find it here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/flyde :)


	15. Livet er ikke en film, 11.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

I´ve come to the devastating and soul-shattering realization that life´s in fact not like a movie at all. You´re not the director of your own life. At least I don´t seem to be the director of mine. If I was, I´d never choose the madness or the loneliness or the heartbreak. I´d choose to be enough for you. I´d choose to make you happy. It´s killing me not to be in control of it. My life would be the most epic love story, starring Isak Valtersen as its main character. I´d choose warm lightning to make you look like the angel that you are and the greatest love songs of all times for background music. We´d take nightly swims and stay in bed all day. We´d kiss and kiss and kiss and never get enough of it. 

Of course, the movie would be a dismal failure, as nobody would ever want to watch it, all cozy and happy with zero drama or suspense or tragedy. But it would be my life and I´m tired of the drama. I´m tired of the pain. I´m tired of the fighting. I´m tired of not getting it right. Of watching this gorgeous boy from school and slowly falling for him but not being the one for him. Believe me when I tell you that I´m an expert in the area of painful emotions. I´ve had them myself, and I´ve been causing them for others my entire life. But this is different. This is worse. It´s worse because I see the movie I´ve been describing in my mind every time I close my eyes. It´s worse because I never get to the end. The curtain closes after just a couple of minutes every time. And I can´t change it because I´m not the one in charge. 

The director of my life is my fucking illness. It even tells me what to feel. The directors of my life are my parents, who still treat me like a child sometimes, who will never trust me enough to just let me go and take care of myself. The director of my life is Sonja, who tells me what´s good for me. I actually believe her that she knows better than me. Do you see where this is going, Isak? Everyone is directing my life but me. 

And then there is you. The boy who couldn´t hold his breath under water. The boy who believes in parallel universes. The boy who told me my cheese toasties sucked because of the missing cardamom. That boy´s not a part of the story they´re all writing for me. That boy´s an entirely different story. I feel what I feel for you, simply because I do. Noone can change that. Not even my stupid, sick brain that´s been tricking me into believing all kinds of things before. I was okay, and I was in love with you. I was high, and I was in love with you. I´m low, and I´m in love with you. Maybe the part of me that´s in love with you is the only part that´s actually sane. Maybe it´s the most insane altogether. 

Crazy or not, I miss you. God, I can´t put into words how much I miss you. I haven´t seen you in school all week. Where are you Isak? Are you okay? I swear, I was so close to walking up to your friends and just ask them if you´re okay a few times these last days. I think I´m starting to realize that you have no idea why I pushed you away after that "What would your parents say if you started dating me?"-conversation. I know that you don´t know that I´m just trying to spare you. And as convinced as I am that this is for your own good, I know that it´s already too late to stop myself from hurting you. I think I understood that when you ditched school this entire time. 

A part of me wishes I could explain you everything, just to let you know I´m not rejecting you. Just to make clear that you´re fucking perfect and I´m not. But how could I ever explain that? And would it truly make anything better? I´m just going to pretend life´s like a movie instead. Can you imagine what that would be like? Just sit back at think about this: 

It´s a warm but windy day in June. The sun is shining mildly above the streets of Oslo. At Urraparken, two boys are sitting in the grass drinking beer and smoking weed. One of them has green eyes and blonde curls peeking out from beneath a red snapback. He is the most beautiful person in the universe, his skin pale and smooth, his smile putting the summer sun to shame. The girls surrounding them are almost all looking at him, trying to get his attention, but none of them could ever watch him with such adoration as the boy next to him. He tries his best to make the blonde angel laugh, or even provoke one of those adorable eyerolls at least. He´s so gone for that boy. He finally builds up the courage to take angel boy´s hand, holding his breath until he sees him smile and feels warm fingers squeeze back. He´s the luckiest boy in the world. The girls stop staring. The world keeps spinning, but the two boys are in their own little universe anyways. The outside doesn´t exist for them at that moment. Inside, they´re safe and sound. They can be who they are and they choose to be with each other. There´s nothing stopping them. The gorgeous boy watches the sun setting while the other boy watches him. He counts the lashes in front of the endless green. He forgets himself because he´s happy. When it´s getting dark and chilly, they press their bodies together to keep each other warm. Their hearts are racing. They don´t let go of each other´s hand when they kiss. They breathe each other in and become one. They lie down and sleep on a bed of easiness and summer. Minute for minute, hour for hour, day for day, it´s always June, for the rest of their lives. 

What a wonderful thing that is to dream about, isn´t it? Only that life is not a fucking movie. I can´t stop time so that it´ll be June forever. I can´t heal my disorder, not even for you, Isak. 

Life is not a movie. 

But I wish it was. 

Even


	16. When You're Gone, 13.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

I miss you so much. I'm writing to you again, because you are the only thing on my mind right now. But what is there to say? My head is tired of finding words you'll never hear. 

I've been listening to the same song on repeat for like three hours now. It would probably drive me insane, if I wasn't already. 

I always needed time on my own  
I never thought I'd, I need you there when I cry  
And the days feel like years when I'm alone  
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side  
When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone  
The pieces of my heart are missing you  
When you're gone  
The face I came to know is missing too  
When you're gone  
All the words I need to hear  
To always get me through the day  
And make it okay  
I miss you

I've never felt this way before  
Everything that I do reminds me of you  
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor  
And they smell just like you  
I love the things that you do  
When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone  
The pieces of my heart are missing you  
And when you're gone  
The face I came to know is missing too  
And when you're gone  
All the words I need to hear  
To always get me through the day  
And make it okay  
I miss you

We were made for each other  
Out here forever  
I know we were, yeah yeah  
And all I ever wanted was for you to know  
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul  
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone  
The pieces of my heart are missing you  
And when you're gone  
The face I came to know is missing too  
And when you're gone  
All the words I need to hear  
Will always get me through the day  
And make it okay  
I miss you

I miss you. 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I admit that it's me whose head is tired at the moment. I have a lot of stress at Uni, but Even's broken heart still keeps me awake, so here's at least a little something from him.  
> I'm going to get some sleep tonight though, and tomorrow I'll write a real letter, I promise.  
> As we all know, Isak and Even see each other again on November 14th, so it's gonna get really interesting from the next letter on. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. Your kind words mean the world to me. ❤️


	17. La deg gå, 15.11.2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even´s heart is still broken, but he finally talks about Isak to someone and that someone happens to make him doubt his decision to let Isak go.

Kjære Isak,

How am I supposed to ever let you go? I thought I was at my lowest low when I didn´t hear anything from you for ten days. I was worried sick. Worried that I made the wrong decision when I chose to back off and not ruin your life. Worried that you hated me for leading you on and then abandoning you. Worried that I´d hurt you too badly. That being said, one would probably assume I´d been relieved to see you back at school yesterday. And I was, in some way. In another way, the sight of you hit me like a bullet and knocked me off my feet. What have I done to this boy, I thought. What have I done?

You looked so cold and lonely, trying to shield yourself from your surrounding with the hood and the headphones in. You looked even more tired than those first weeks of the school year. I wasn´t prepared for your face to look so sad, so lost. I wasn´t prepared for the sudden stinging in my chest. It´s my fault. It´s all my fault. All I wanted was for you to be happy and look where it got you. You walk across the schoolyard all angry and sad and hurt and you have every right to. I wanted to take you in my arms as soon as I saw you. I wanted to hold you and never let go. And then I wanted to punch that asshole who bumped into you in the face. 

How dare he hurt my beautiful angel, I thought for a short moment, before I realized that a little physical contact, probably completely accidental, was nothing compared to what I did to you. I am so sorry. I would go back in time and set myself on fire the first day of school or any day before that if it would keep me from hurting you. But I can´t. Once again, I fucked up with no chance to undo the damage. 

After you disaappeared into the building, I left school and went home. I didn´t even bother to think of an excuse when Matheo asked me where I was going. I didn´t even turn around go let the guys somehow know that I was okay. I wasn´t. I couldn´t keep a straight face. I couldn´t stop the tears from falling. I was too exhausted to fight the shaking and the wet heat on my cheeks. I was too shaken too put the key inside the lock when I finally got home, so I sat down at the porch and let go. Like a stupid fucking baby. Crying and sobbing and looking pathetic. I hated myself. 

After only a couple of minutes of my lonesome misery, my mother arrived home with groceries. She let them drop immediately when she saw me. A single tomato was rolling down the street. I know I´m not always speaking nicely about my Mom. It´s been difficult at home ever since I was diagnosed. But I love her for being the kind of mother who doesn´t care about anything else in the world when she sees her kid hurting. I love her for sitting down next to me and taking me in her arms and holding me like she hadn´t done in years. I love her for all the times she said that it would be alright, even if I didn´t believe her. 

I´d almost calmed down when she wanted to know what was wrong. I started crying again. I couldn´t help it. "I hurt him," I sobbed into her sweater, "I didn´t mean to but I fucking hurt him and now he hates me and it´s all my fault." She stroked my hair, which made it a little worse. I didn´t think I deserved comforting. I was the one who´d done the hurting. "Even," she whispered, "who are you talking about?" "Isak," I cried in return. "Isak?", she asked. "Isak," I confirmed. And here´s what I currently love my Mom most for: She didn´t keep digging right then. She knows me well enough to hear in my voice all the things I´m not saying. When I pronounced your name, she knew I was in love with you. 

I lay in my bed, covered in blankets from chin to toe, when the door was carefully opened. "I just put Matilde to bed," Mom informed me. Then she added, "I think you should start doing that again, Even. She misses you." I couldn´t answer that. I had too much on my mind already. The disaster with my baby sister had to wait. "Tell me about Isak," she begged. It took me a moment to react. Part of me wanted to sit up and describe that beautiful second year I´d met in school and tell her all the stuff we´d done and admit that I had an army of fucking butterflies in my stomach like the excited school boy inside me. Part of my wanted to start crying again at the thought of how much I fucked up. There was too much to say. "I kissed him in a swimming pool we broke into," I finally blurted out. I have no idea why I chose to say that, of all things. 

I expected my mother to be shocked. I expected her to say something about me suddenly being into guys. I expected her to remind me of Sonja and that it wasn´t okay to cheat on her. I expected everything but what she said. "Did he kiss you back?" I couldn´t stop myself from letting out a laugh. "Yeah," I smiled, thinking of the day it happened. She reached out to touch my arm. She didn´t have to ask if I had serious feelings for you. It was written all over my damn face. "What did you mean when you said you hurt him?", she wanted to know. So I told her. For the very first time, I told someone everything about you. I hope you don´t mind. I needed it. I´d never talked to my Mom about that kind of stuff. She´d pretty much gotten all the stuff about mine and Sonja´s relationship from Sonja rather than me. But I needed to tell her about you. She was all excited until I got to the point where you told me about your mother´s illness. 

She understood. In some way, she understands you better than I do. You´re burdened with a mentally ill mother, she´s burdened with a mentally ill son. She knows perfectly well what it means to take care of someone like me or your Mom. She knows what it´s like to be worried and stressed and exhausted and done with it, eventually. My Dad came to join us when I´d just finished my story. I didn´t want to tell it again. She got it. They left me alone. I can´t imagine not having a mother to take care of me. I don´t know how you do it. How could it not be the end of you to see her broken? I am sorry, Isak. Not only for what I did, but what life put you through. I am sorry.

This morning, I was standing in the bathroom, looking into the mirror and trying to decide whether I could go to school. What would I do if I saw you again? I didn´t know. "What are you doing there?", Matilde demanded to know, "are you still sleeping?" "No," I replied, "just dreaming." "About what?", she asked. "Blonde curly hair," I told her and took one of her strands between my fingers. "Eveeeeen," she complained, "I gotta go to school now." My Dad took her with him when he left for work. Blonde curly hair, indeed. 

"You´re not being fair to him," Mom said in a serious tone when I entered the kitchen. "To who?" I was confused. "Isak," she made clear. I didn´t get it, so she explained: "You´re not giving him a choice. He might not be in touch with his mother, but I think growing up with a mentally ill parent is quite a difficult and cruel experience. He may have left her, but he didn´t leave you. He doesn´t even know." I made my way towards the door. "He doesn´t have to know," I told her, "it wouldn't change a damn thing." As I stepped outside I heard her call after me: "You´re wrong, Even!"

Tell me I´m not wrong, Isak. Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me again that you´ve decided your life would be better without mentally ill people in it. Tell me you´d be happier without me. Tell me, because letting you go is getting really fucking hard. 

So you better tell me soon. 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoyed this <3 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapters so far and also free feel to make further suggestions :)
> 
> Btw, how would you like it if the last chapter started with "Kjære Even"? Don´t worry, there are gonna be at least 50 letters from Even first, but I´m 110% convinced that Isak will find these letters completely by accident one day and I just want you guys to see his reaction somehow :)


	18. He Will Be Loved, 16.11.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even writes this letter on Wednesday afternoon after he and Isak meet in the cafeteria. As we all know, Isak basically storms off, but maybe there´s still something hopeful Even can cling to...

Kjære Isak,

I´m shattered in pieces. If my heart was broken before, it´s now dashed to shivers, beyond all hope of healing. How do people survive situations like this? Maybe nobody´s ever been in this very situation before. Maybe nobody´s ever been this crazy in love. Maybe nobody´s ever hurt their sweetheart this badly. I´m not going to make it, Isak. 

When I saw you in the cafeteria today, I could practically feel your pain radiating off your wonderful, tired body. I stood there for a moment, just being angry with the world for keeping spinning like nothing was wrong, when in fact, everything was wrong. But the sun was still shining through the wide windows, the cafeteria lady sounded like every other day and that fucking guy there just stood next to you, smiling dumbly as if it wasn´t written all over your face. God, how much I hated this universe. Didn´t anyone see that you needed.. well, probably a real caring boyfriend instead of a total prick leading you on just to abandon you the next moment. Shit, I thought, I could be mad at the world all I wanted, but it was me who was to blame for your suffering. It was me. Stupid fucking me. 

And that´s when I knew it. It doesn´t matter. It´s not important why I thought I had to give you up. It doesn´t make a damn difference that I was trying to protect you. You don´t even know it. How could you? You just wanted me to be there. You just wanted to be kissed and touched and talked to sleep. And all I wanted right there in the cafeteria, was to hold you and tell you it´s alright. Seems like there´s a pretty simple solution to both of our wishes, right? Right. Asshole, I thought. You fucking asshole, Even.

I am an asshole, Isak, but I´m not the asshole who didn´t want you. I´m not the asshole who was just experiementing with a guy for a change. I´m not. How can I let you think that of me? How can I let you think anything but how deeply in love I am with you? The answer is simple, I can´t. Not when it was so obviously keeping you awake at night. Not when it was making you look so incredibly sad. No. 

So I gathered all the courage I had in me and walked up to you. It must have been the most pathtic sounding "halla" that you´ve ever heard, which is kind of fitting, considering that I must be the most pathetic person that you´ve ever known. You should have seen the look on your face. Or you probably shouldn´t have. I didn´t know whether you were going to hit me, or start crying, or just turn around and walk away. I don´t know which one of those possibilities scared me the most. I think I accidentally forgot to breathe until you finally said hello back. You did. Honestly, that was already more than I deserve. 

And then I was standing right in front of you, your green eyes looking at me expectantly, but I didn´t know what to say. I´m sorry? Let me explain? I didn´t mean to hurt you? I´m insanely in love with you? The things I want to tell you could fill an entire series of novels, so how could I just pick one of them to blurt it out in the middle of the cafeteria? It was too much. Too much to explain, too fucked up to make the pain go away with nothing but words. So I talked about cheese toasties instead. Seems stupid, I know, but I wasn´t actually talking about cheese toasties. I was just referring to the whole cardamom thing because it´s something that belongs to us. It´s our inside joke. Nobody will ever understand why making cheese toasties without cardamom is funny, but you will, right? We share this. It connects us. I guess I was just desperately holding on to that connection, praying to whatever God was listening, that it was still there.

I only needed your confirmation. I only needed you to acknowledge that stupid fucking joke to know that you hadn´t let go of it yet. How ever thin the thread might have become, as long as it´s still connecting you and me, I will hold onto it. So when you said it, my heart jumped. I know it wasn´t much, but I hadn´t asked for much. It was just a bad joke, but you still remebered, and that´s all that mattered to me. It´s still our joke. 

I´m not sure if I should be this optimistic, considering that you practically ran away from me as soon as I tried to actually talk to you, but it´s too late to stop my heart from beating faster again. I get it. Why would you listen to me? I´ve done nothing but fuck with you, and you certainly have the right to avoid any further fucking around. You´ve most likely figured out by now how messed up I am. You´re probably aware that I only bring you pain and sorrows. You´re right to stay away from me. But I´m right, too. My Mom is right about me not giving you a fair choice, I´ve decided. You deserve a fair chance. You can still reject me, of course, but at first I´m going to show you what your choice is. That way, you´ll at least know that it´s not you who´s insufficient. It could never be you, Isak. 

Do you want to know what song your sad face today reminded me of? 

I don't mind spending every day  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the boy with the broken smile  
Ask him if he wants to stay a while

And he will be loved  
And he will be loved

It´s the saddest song I know. As you may know, it originally says "she", but all I hear while listening to it is Isak Isak Isak, so I made it a he. Can you imagine waiting for someone forever, even if you know they´ll never be yours, just to maybe turn their sad smile into a happy one on some lucky day? Because I can. I don´t even have to imagine anymore. 

Tap on my window, knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful  
I know I tend to get so insecure  
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah  
My heart is full and my door's always open  
You come anytime you want, yeah

I don't mind spending every day  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the boy with the broken smile  
Ask him if he wants to stay a while

And he will be loved  
And he will be loved  
And he will be loved  
And he will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye  
I don't mind spending every day  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Kjære Isak, please don´t try so hard to say goodbye. You don´t know if goodbye will hurt you more than I did. I know you don´t have any reason to believe otherwise, but I promise you, I´m trying the best I can to give you more than one reason. You just have to let me. 

Please, let me. 

Forever yours,

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh you guys, I really didn´t want to write anything today, but today the country I proudly call my home has finally legalized same sex marriage. And what would be more suitable to celebrate that day than to give Even back some hope? 
> 
> ALT ER LOVE OG LOVE ER FOR ALLE <3


	19. Jeg er her, 18.11.2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember when Isak went to see Dr. Skrulle in 3x06? Turns out he wasn´t the only one paying her a visit...

Kjære Isak,

On this day three weeks ago, we had our first kiss in that swimming pool I made you break into. I can´t stop thinking about it. What would I give for a Friday like that one. What would I give to be able to go back in time and do it all over again, except we´d actually stay in your room forever. I wouldn´t leave you. You wouldn´t hate me. How does that sound to you? 

I know it´s not possible. I know it´s too late, that the damage is done. I can´t take it back. But what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let you go, just because I fucked up? Am I supposed to let you walk around like you did the entire week? I can´t keep seeing you like that, it´s destroying me. It´s ripping me apart. I´m not sure it´s the right thing for me to get involved in your life again, but I can´t seem to stay away from you. I won´t be able to breathe until I know you´re going to be okay. If nothing else, I have to make sure you´re going to be okay. Nobody else seems to be taking care of it, and it´s nobody else´s responsibility, because nobody else but me is to blame for this. I feel like I owe you an attempt to make it right. 

Of course, I don´t have the slightest idea how to even start "Mission Make Isak Valtersen Smile Again". I mean, the hopeless romantic that I am, I actually have a thousand ideas, but I´m pretty sure that most of them would end in an absolute disaster. The last thing I want is to make things worse, so I decided to be a little more careful and considerate than usually. You see, moderation isn´t exactly my strong point, especially when I´m as pumped as I am right now. That´s why I went to consult Dr. Skrulle yesterday. 

Do you know Dr. Skrulle by any chance? God, that woman is just awesome. In some ways, she´s even crazier than me. I´d never seen her before yesterday, but ever since I transferred to Nissen, people have been talking about the legendary school doctor and her life changing advice. Not that I actually thought she could help me, but I was so excited to finally do something, to change something, to at least get you to talk to me, and I needed someone to fucking talk. I didn´t want to go see my doctor. The one who´s been treating my bipolar disorder, that is. He gets my quite well, I think, but he would have told me I was heading for a manic episode and adjusted my medication and shit. He would have told me to hold my feet still and leave you alone. 

I didn´t need that. I don´t need that. So when I walked through the hallway and saw the entrance to Dr. Skrulle´s office, I simply thought it couldn´t hurt to go in and see if she´s got a little time for me. I was sceptical, to be honest, but she was incredibly nice to me. It felt weird at first, to be telling someone about you. Especially because she doesn´t know you, or me, for that matter. But you know what? That woman was so damn excited for me, listening attentively and smiling and just being happy because I was happy. 

When I told Sonja about you, she didn´t take me seriously. When I told my Mom, she was mostly worried about the way my feelings affect my state of mood. I didn´t even dare to tell anyone else, because it would always be about the obvious problems standing between us. But with Dr. Skrulle, it was just me talking about my crush, finally getting all those feelings off my chest. I was just a boy in love. When I started talking about my disease and the difficulties I thought it brought with it, she got this confused look on her face and then simply shut me off quite quickly. 

"Why are you suddenly talking about your disorder?", she wanted to know.   
"Because it changes the entire situation," I told her.   
"Does it change the way you feel about this boy?", she asked me.  
"No," I answered, because it doesn´t.  
"Does it change the fact that you want to be with him?", she went on.  
"No," I replied, because it doesn´t.   
"Then what does it really change?"

I didn´t know the answer to that question back then and I don´t know it now. What exactly does my illness change? The more I think about it, the more certain I become that I have no fucking clue. I only know what I´ve spent years telling myself. I know what my doctors, my parents and Sonja have been telling me. None of it is truly about you. In a hypothetical relationship between me and you, Isak, who knows what a mental illness would really change? 

You´ve made more experiences with your mother than I´d wish for you. But I´m not your mother. I´ve made my own experiences, but I didn´t know you back then. I didn´t give this a chance. We didn´t even try. How can we not at least try? 

I want to tell you a thousand things, Isak. I don´t mean to bother you, but I think you need to know them. You need to know, because you´re giving up on me based on my previous behavior that you can´t possibly understand. If nothing else, you need to understand. I might not be the best at explaining, but at least now I know someone who´s a lot better than me. I asked her what I should do next. 

"What do you want to tell him?", she asked, so here we go. 

Nothing of what happened between us is your fault.   
I made a move on you, because I found you irresistable from the very first moment I saw you on the first day of school.  
I kissed you, because all kinds of forces draw me towards you and I can´t stay away.   
Every second we spent together, I fell a little deeper in love with you.   
You´re a wonderful, wonderful person, and you deserve the world with everything beautiful it has to offer.   
I´m endlessly sorry I hurt you, I wish I could take it back and it´s destroying me that I can´t.   
I will try my fucking best to make you understand just how perfect you are.   
I will give you the fair chance of deciding for yourself whether you want me or not.   
Be patient with me.   
Don´t give up.

"What do you think would be a good way to tell him all that?", she wanted to know next.  
I thought about that a lot, and as I chose not to scare you off, I made you another drawing. You liked my previous drawings, didn´t you? I don´t think I could actually say all these words out loud in front of you. I don´t think I could get it straight. I can´t even think when I´m with you. It´s way easier to sit in my room with some music in the background, bringing what I want to tell you to paper. In that way, my drawings are probably not that different from these letters I keep writing, except reading the letters would most likely not help me appearing mentally stable and all that. If you let me, I´ll tell you all of this one day, anyways. For now, the drawings will show you I´m still here, hopefully. I´m still here, fighting. 

I´ll keep fighting. 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :) It´s been a whole week and I´ve missed you <3 
> 
> I´m sorry to all those who actually wait for me to update this. This week has been super stressful and the final exams of my last semester at uni are right around the corner, so I don´t have nearly as much time for writing as I´d like to.   
> I´m so excited for Isak and Even getting back together soon, so I´m proabably gonna squeeze in some writing next week anyways, so bear with me if you like this. 
> 
> <3


	20. Broken, 20.11.2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don´t want to drag you into my craziness. I don´t want to ruin you, but I feel like it might be a little late for that. The thing is, you didn´t start seeming unhappy until I left you. I thought I was doing you a favor, I hope you know that. I thought I was sparing you pain. I wasn´t prepared for it to turn out the opposite way.
> 
> What´s broken can still be fixed, right?

Kjære Isak,

 

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight_  
_Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time_  
_I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts_  
_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

 

I haven´t heard from you since I put that drawing in your pocket on friday and I´m getting scared. Like, really scared. I mean, it was okay for you to avoid me before, because of what I did to you. But now that I´ve reached out to you twice and there´s still no reaction, I´m starting to think I won´t get another chance with you. Isak, I can´t keep going without that chance.

The worst part of all the waiting and missing is that I don´t know what to do anymore. I don´t have the slightest idea how to make you listen. And even then, what would I say? I don´t have a clue how to make you understand. Fuck, I don´t even know if I´m supposed to be trying at all, and the longer you have me on the hook, the more insecure I get. What if everything that I´m doing right now is wrong? Should I have left you alone for good? Would things be easier for you if I just stayed away? How long would it take you to get over it and be alright again and sleep at night and go to school with a friendly face? How long until you meet someone who does better than me? Someone who´s sane enough not to hurt you.

 

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head_  
_I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead_  
_I still see your reflection inside of my eyes_  
_That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life_

 

But what if letting you go would be the biggest mistake of all? I mean, I know for sure that I´ve never felt anything like the magical attraction to you before. I´ve never wanted anyone nearly as bad. How do we know the two of us aren´t going to have the most epic love story ever? How do we know we aren´t perfect for each other, like two puzzle pieces that got mixed up into the wrong boxes, never fitting quite right, but finding each other eventually, and by that finding the place where they belong. Yes, I´m a dreamer, but does that mean I´m wrong? How can it even be wrong if it feels like this? Do you think about the swimming pool as often as I do? And your bed? I know you felt it too, Isak, so tell me, how can that be wrong?

Do you see my dilemma here, Isak? I don´t want to drag you into my craziness. I don´t want to ruin you, but I feel like it might be a little late for that. The thing is, you didn´t start seeming unhappy until I left you. I thought I was doing you a favor, I hope you know that. I thought I was sparing you pain. I wasn´t prepared for it to turn out the opposite way.

In a hypothetical relationship, I would make you as happy as I can, Isak, whenever I can. But there are going to be times when I won´t be able to do that. I´d also hurt you. I´ve done it to the people surrounding me almost my entire life. To my parents. My baby sister. Sonja. I´m never sure whether the good is good enough to outweigh the bad, because the bad can be ugly, really ugly. I´ve thinking about whether it´s worth it a lot over the weekend, and two things have happened.

At first, Sonja came to see me yesterday. I swear, just the sight of her annoys me to death these days, but I´m being highly unfair here, as it´s completely my fault. I feel guilty for cheating on her. I feel guilty for letting her take care of me for four years and then one day realizing that I´m not in love with her anymore. Is there anything worse you can do to a person than loving them a little less than before? The fact that she doesn´t seem to give up on me just makes it worse.

Mom let her in when I was just trying to draw a little something for you, which was the worst imaginable timing she could´ve managed. I didn´t even bother to hide the drawing. To be honest, I was hoping she´d take it as some kind of proof that I`m serious about you, but she either didn´t see it or she decided to ignore it. As if that would make it go away.

"How are you?", she asked me. What the hell was I supposed to do with that question? _My heart is broken into a million little pieces, because the boy I gave it to won´t talk to me anymore, so will you just fuck off_ , is what I thought. "Fine", is what I said. I didn´t look at her. I didn´t ask her how she was doing. I didn´t care. I was being an asshole, I know, but I needed her to leave and I needed her to stop loving me and I needed her to finally get that it´s over for good. How did she not get that?

Sonja could never stand silence, so of course, she started talking again, telling me stuff about her colleagues and what was going on at her workplace and just a whole lot of crap I don´t give two shits about. It was driving me crazy. I didn´t think about her when she wasn´t standing right in front of me, because the only song my mind replayed over and over again went Isak Isak Isak Isak. Yet, there she was, babbling on like we were an old married couple, like we were happy with another. Like I wasn´t head over heels in love with someone else. I´d told her. She must know. But she didn´t act like it. How could she pretend we were okay? My skin was itching.

"Why won´t you get it?", I practically yelled in her face, interrupting her endless monologue with maybe a little too much force.

"Get what?" She looked confused, like she didn´t know what I was talking about, but also a little sad, like she knew exactly.

"That it´s over," I screamed, "that I can´t keep doing this. That I wasn´t kidding when I said I had real feelings for him. That this is not the mania that´s speaking, it´s me. That I´m sitting here trying to figure out how to get him back, not you. That I don´t love you anymore, God fucking damn."

She started crying and then sobbing loudly. "I don´t believe you," she whispered. She looked so ugly when she cried. "You don´t mean it."

Except I did. And I was sick of her telling me what I meant and what I didn´t. Who did she think she was? I told her to get out. I told her to not contact me again. I told her to fucking get it in her brain that she didn´t know everything about how I was feeling every second of the day. I told her a couple of other things that finally made her storm out of the house with her hand pressed to her mouth and dark streams of mascara on her cheeks. I was furious.

To be clear, I don´t feel good about doing that to her. I owe Sonja a whole lot more than I´ll ever be able to give her, no matter if I love her or not. She was there for me when I went through my darkest times. When I let friendships break and pushed everyone away from me, she would always hold onto me. When I thought I was lost, she showed me a way. I haven´t forgotten than and I never will. But I can´t keep going that way she built for me. It´s all wrong, and no matter if you´ll give me another chance or not, there´s not a chance for me and Sonja to be together anymore. I´m not sure about many things at the moment, but I´m sure about her.

A while after Sonja had left, I heard a faint knock on my door. I didn´t want to explain to my Mom what had happened. I didn´t want to say out loud that I´d just hurt another person quite badly, as my conscience was already chewing me up. Mom already knew about you, so what else was there to say? I didn´t trust myself to speak without doing any  more damage. It was enough for one day, I assumed. I was tired.

After a couple of minutes of silence, I thought she´d left, but then heard a thin voice say my name from the hallway. It wasn´t my mother standing in front of my door, but my sister Matilde. "Yes?", I answered. She opened the door just a tiny crack and peeked inside. "Are you going crazy again?", she wanted to know, and that´s when I couldn´t hold back my tears anymore. She was holding the door almost shut as a kind of protection from me, because she suspected me to be manic. See, no person is innocent in this world. My parents will always love and take care of me, simply because they´re my parents. Sonja had known about my condition and decided to bear with me in spite of it. But not Matilde. She was too pure to be a part of this. I wanted to die. I wanted Matilde to grow up without a brother like me. A big brother that she had to be scared of, instead of feeling protected like it´s supposed to be.

I turned around to face the window, away from the door and the soft blonde curls I could still see through the curtain of my tears. It was too much. I hated myself. I hated my parents for having another baby after me. I hated the universe for making me sick. I wanted it to stop. My mind was all dark when a small hand suddenly touched my shoulder. "Why are you crying, Even?" She´s too good for this world, I swear. "Why did Sonja cry when she left?", my sister went on, her voice merely a whisper. How was I supposed to explain a little girl the endless tragic of love and relationships? I couldn´t, so I stayed silent.

Matilde started playing with my hair. "Mamma says a boy from your school made you sad," she went on.

"No," I responded, because it wasn´t true and I couldn´t not set it straight, "I´m sad because I made the boy sad."

"So you´re sad because he´s sad?", she checked.

"Yes, very much," I admitted.

"I get it," she whispered into my hair, "I´m also sad when you´re sad, like right now."

"Don´t be," I begged. I should´ve known one can´t tell my sister how to feel any more than one can tell me, though.

"But I am, stupid," she declared. I pressed my eyes closed to hold back the tears and put a hand on hers. She lay down behind me and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck. I felt at home in our house for the first time in what seemed like forever.

 

In case you´re wondering why I´m sahring this with you, I´m going to tell you why it´s important. You know how people always say that you gotta love youself first before anyone else can love you? I think what happened yesterday is that my sister has led me to the realization that those wise words are complete and utter bullshit. I´d rather say it´s the other way round. You need someone to love you in order to be able to love yourself. You need other people to teach you. For most of us, our parents do that ever since we´re born. They keep telling us that we´re doing great, that they´re proud of us and that they love us. But when life gets hard, sometimes we forget that. We forget that there´s someone who loves us, so we can´t love ourselves anymore. In my case, it went even further, as I didn´t only stop loving myself, I actually hated myself so much that I wanted to end my life.

I´m not a selfish person, and I don´t care about getting hurt. But just like you being hurt is hurting me, me being hurt is hurting my family. Don´t you think we´re talking a little too much about hurt here? I want to change that, Isak. My sister is the purest soul on earth and she sure as hell doesn´t deserve a mentally ill brother, but she wouldn´t trade me for another one if she could. I keep telling you how deeply in love I am with you, but I didn´t give you the chance to be in love with me. I don´t know if you´d want to trade me for someone else, because I didn´t ask.

 

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_  
_With a broken heart that's still beating_  
_In the pain there is healing_  
_In your name I find meaning_  
_So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on_  
_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

 

I was mad at the world for not catching you when I let you fall, because I didn´t get how they couldn´t see in you what I see. I was a little mad at you too, to be honest, for not sleeping well and everything, because I didn´t get how you could not see in youself what I see in you. But I know better now. Who knows how you´ve grown up in your family, with your mother being sick. Who knows how many times you weren´t told that someone loves you when you should have been. But I will. Not necessarily with the expectation of you loving me back, but of you learning how to love yourself. 

I´m still breathing, Isak, no matter how long I´ll keep falling apart, and you are, too. My heart´s still beating, no matter how many pieces it´s shattered into, and yours is, too. Where there´s pain, there´s a chance of healing, Matilde taught me that. In your name I´ve been finding more meaning that I´ve ever known before, Isak. So I´m holding on to you, no matter what it takes.

 

_The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone_  
_I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home_

 

I haven´t forgotten my way to you, so don´t keep slamming the door in my face. Because as long as I´m breathing, I´m fighting. 

 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reunion is getting closer and I´m fucking pumped :D 
> 
> I just wanted to say that I love every single one of you for reading this and I appreciate all the comments and yeah just keep spreading love you wonderful people <3
> 
> Who do you think will give Even the decisive push to go and get Isak back? Take a guess if you like :)


	21. I Want You Anyway, 23.11.2016

Kjære Isak,

It´s Wednesday and I haven´t seen you this week. I miss you pretty fucking much, even if you won´t talk to me anyways. But who am I, to give up easily? Not on you, Isak, that´s for sure.

I wonder what you´ve been up to since the last time I saw you. I wonder if you´ve been sleeping better. I wonder if someone might have noticed your pain and helped you through it. I wonder about all kinds of things these days, including whether you´re wearing a snapback right now, and how you´d react if we met again, and whether you´re letting Emma distract you, and if deep down inside, you want me to fight for you or not. I wish I knew.

Are you thinking about me half as much as I´m thinking about you?

I´m going to tell you exactly how desperate I´ve become, Isak, partly because you won´t read this anyways, and partly because I don´t have anything to lose anymore with you. The hopeless film nerd that I am, I´ve been spending this week watching _The Notebook_ over and over again. Have you seen it? Like all of the truly touching and life-changing movies in the world, it´s about a fateful and never-ending love story. What a cliché, I know.

I´ll give you a brief summary in case you haven´t yet found the time to watch this incredible masterpiece and let it raise your expectations of true love forever. You´ll understand why it reminds me of us.

You see an old man visiting an equally old woman in a nursing home, reading her a story: In spite of their very different social backgrounds, the teenagers Allie and Noah fall in love with each other. Because Allie´s parents don´t want their daughter to be with Noah, they take her away from him. Noah writes Allie a letter every day for one entire year, but she never knows, because her mother holds them back, hoping Allie moves on and forgets about Noah. Except none of them ever forgets the other one. They never find love or even happiness with anyone else. Years later, they meet again and discover that their feelings for another are still there, as present and strong as ever. They finally end up together.

At the end of the movie, it´s clear that the elder couple is Allie and Noah who are still together and still in love. Noah reads their story to Allie every day, as his wife suffers from Altzheimer´s. Every day, Isak, until they peacefully fall asleep next to each other and never wake up again.

I´ll tell you why I love this movie, which is not Ryan Gosling starring as young Noah, I swear. First of all, those two young people instantly fall in love with each other in spite of their seemingly endless differences. It makes me hope that love is possible, no matter how unlikely and odd it might look from the outside. Just like Noah writes to Allie everyday for a year, I´m writing to you. Just like Allie didn´t get to read them, you won´t either. But all that doesn´t matter, because their love is bigger than all the difference between them. It lasts longer than the time they spend apart. They end up together. 

The end of the movie is not the typical happy ending, though. I think I like that, too. The story could have ended when they found their way back to each other, but it didn´t. Instead, they get a whole life together. Allie becomes sick which causes her to forget the beautiful story of their love. Sometimes she doesn´t even recognise Noah anymore. And finally, they die. But death is kind of a happy end, right? At least their lives end before their love does. That´s what makes it eternal. They never live a day in their life without that love. They never know how it feels when love fades. Isn´t that wonderful, Isak?

If someone took you away from here right now, I, too, would keep writing you. Maybe for a year. Maybe longer. I wouldn´t forget you. I wouldn´t get over you. Can you believe it? I don´t even know you that well. It´s been three months since the first time I saw you. It´s been three and a half weeks since the first time I kissed you. How can it be that you´ve gotten under my skin that easily? I don´t know how, Isak, I just know that you have. That´s how I know I won´t be able to move on. How could anyone else ever make me feel the way you make me feel? 

If you came back years from now, I would take you into my arms, if you let me. I would drop everything and come running to you. I don´t even like feeling like this. Not the hopelessness of it. Not the impossibility of ever being complete without you. But that´s the price we pay for it, I guess. I just wish you knew the price that I´m paying. I wish you knew that you´re worth my entire future happiness.

As I´ve told you before, life is not a movie. The last time I said that, I meant it in a sad, disappointed way. But it can also be a good thing, you know. Life not being a movie means you can change the story if you have to. And in our case, it might not be too late for it. Nobody else is standing between us. It´s just me and my madness, so I can do it right. Nobody´s taking you away from me. I may not have to keep writing you letters forever. I just have to go end tell you the things I want you to know. I just have to make you listen. Will you listen?

Before you decide that you won´t, I better tell you that you´re in for a little surprise. In what ever way that may change things between us, at least you won´t be able ignore me anymore. What are your plans for friday night? I hope you don´t mind me stopping by. I´m afraid I can´t hold back my inner romantic any longer. I´m sorry, but also, I´m not really sorry. When you know what you want, you have to fight for it. When you feel like the universe has put someone in your life for a reason, you have to trust the universe and be brave. You have to give your best and believe in the universe doing the rest. You´d never guess who told me that.

It was the Kosegruppa leader lady, Vilde. I like that girl. Can you believe that she just walked up to me in the schoolyard today? I would have been a little mad at her probably, for getting involved in what´s clearly not her business, if she hadn´t been quite nervous, apparently. It was kind of cute. Not in a cute girl sort of way, more in a cute little puppy sort of way. "Even? Hei," she said as she approached me. I was so not ready for any kind of group shit, so I told her that.

"Actually," she began, "it´s not about Kosegruppa." I was confused. I didn´t know that girl. "I know this sounds a little crazy," she said, which it did, "aren´t you and Isak having a thing?"

"What?" Where the fuck did she know about us from?

"None of you business," I told her as I turned away to leave. I shoul´ve denied it, I thought, because "None of your business" had practically been a confirmation, and as I guess that you´re not really out of the closet, I probably shouldn´t have confirmed anything, especially because we´re technically not having anything anymore.

"I know," she followed close behind me, "I don´t mean to be intrusive."

"Then what do you mean to?", I wanted to know. Judging from the frightened look on her face, I´d sounded a little harsh, maybe.

She stumbled a little when she spoke again: "I just told Isak that I think it´s cool that he´s gay and everything, just in case he feels uncomfortable or anything, but he hasn´t responded yet, and now I feel like the way I said it might have been a little inappropriate and I wanted to say I´m sorry and also, I promise I won´t tell anyone about you two if that´s what you´re worried about and yeah, just... sorry, I guess, can you tell him that?"

"I can´t," I told her. She looked hurt and something about her made me feel like an ass, so I explained, "the thing you suspect us to be having is actually pretty much over."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I said it out loud. Vilde looked disappointed and almost as sad as I felt. I was confused by her concern. I didn´t know you were friends. "Oh," she said, "I´m sorry. I wouldn´t have said anything if I´d known you guys broke up."

I have no idea why I thought I had to pour my heart out to fucking Vilde, and maybe I didn´t, maybe I just needed someone to tell me I wasn´t completely crazy to try to get you back.

"We didn´t," I blurted out, "we weren´t even together. I mean, I we were kind of getting there but then I fucked it all up and now he won´t even talk to me anymore."

"Wow", Vilde responded, "that bad, huh?"

"Yes," I confirmed, "that bad. Maybe worse."

"Does that mean it´s over for good," she asked, "or are you going to get back together? Because we can always change groups in Kosegruppa, you know.." I couldn´t help but laugh at that. What the fuck is up with Vilde and her stupid revue group? But she was just being nice.

"Good question," I admitted, "I don´t know if we´re getting back together."

"Well, do you want to?" Her blue eyes reminded me of my sister.

"Yeah," I replied, "it´s just not entirely my choice, I´m afraid."

"Does that mean Isak doesn´t?", she wanted to know. An even better question.

"That´s what I´m trying to find out," I told her.

She looked at me a couple of seconds and then smiled. "I think I might be in love too, you know. It´s scary, isn´t it?"

"The scariest," I nodded.

"Do you believe in fate, Even?"

"Fate?"

"Do you believe that you meeting Isak was your destiny? Do you believe that the universe has been bringing you together on purpose?"

"Not sure," I answered, "but it would explain a lot." Like the way my heart skips a beat every time I look at you. Like the warm, fuzzy feeling in my body. Like all these emotions keeping me up at night, singing an endless song that´s your name. It would explain why nothing before has ever felt like this.

"I don´t think we should counteract our destiny, do you?", she remarked.

"Probably not," I guessed. I wasn´t sure what she was telling me. Maybe I still don´t know.

"No," she stated, "I think we have to trust that everything is gonna be just the way it´s supposed to. I think we have to accept that we sometimes get lost on the way there. I think we have to believe and give our best to get what´s supposed to be ours."

"Good luck with that," I told her.

"You too," she said before she disappeared inside the school building. I didn´t know what had just hit me. Just that it had hit me. Hard, kind of.

I mean, Vilde doesn´t know shit about me, or you, or why this thing between us isn´t a thing anymore. But sometimes it´s the people who look at a problem with a little more distance that are most likely to solve it, right? I think I didn´t necessarily have to understand what she was telling me. What´s really important is what it made me think of. It made me think of you. Of how I came to a new school with hundreds of students, trying to avoid all of them and ending up spotting you in the crowd. Of walking around school for weeks looking for you, because I wouldn´t get you out of my head. Of the day we bumped into each other on the train. Of our first kiss. Of your talk about parallel universes. Even of you having a mother who´s just a mentally ill as I am. Honestly, what is that if it isn´t fate?

We fucking belong together, Isak, can´t you see that?

I gave up a long time ago  
Trying to find love  
TV told me it was like the movies  
But it never was  
  
I couldn't beat it or join it  
So I just avoided it   
Come what may  
Then you came  
  
And I wanna hold you in my arms  
I wanna let you break my heart  
I wanna feel the way it feels to make you stay  
  
And I know you'll bring me to my knees  
I know you're way out of my league  
I know I can't afford the price I'm gonna pay  
But I want you anyway  
  
It's so self-betrayal of me  
I'm about to say all the things  
Swore I'd never say  
But my heart's in my mind  
Drawing lines I can't erase  
  
And all of a sudden  
All that wasn't  
So beautifully is  
When we kiss  
  
And I wanna hold you in my arms  
I wanna let you break my heart  
I wanna feel the way it feels to make you stay  
  
And I know you'll bring me to my knees  
I know you're way out of my league  
I know I can't afford the price I'm gonna pay  
But I want you anyway  
  
The way the light hangs off you  
I never stood a chance  
See you changed every plan I had with one glance  
  
And I wanna hold you in my arms  
I wanna let you break my heart  
I wanna feel the way it feels to make you stay  
  
And I know you'll bring me to my knees  
I know you're way out of my league  
I know I can't afford the price I'm gonna pay  
But I want you anyway

 

I want you anyway, because that´s how destiny works, right? We don´t get to choose who´s good for us. I didn´t get to choose you. You don´t get to choose someone who´s mentally stable. You either fall for me as hard as I fell for you, or you don´t. That´s how it works. And we´re going to find out which one it is on Friday.

Until then,

Love you,

Even

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We´re almost there, guys, the next letter will be after the reunion! :)
> 
> What do you think about Vilde giving love advice? :D 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, I love you people <3


	22. Can't Help Falling in Love, 25.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay?  
Would it be a sin?  
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows, surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be

Take my hand  
Take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows, surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be

Take my hand  
Take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you  
For I can't help falling in love with you

Even


	23. Wanted, 25.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

You know I'd fall apart without you  
I don't know how you do what you do  
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me  
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, boy I need you  
But it's more than one and one makes two  
Put aside the math and the logic of it  
You gotta know you want it too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up  
Wanna kiss your lips  
I wanna make you feel wanted  
And I wanna call you mine  
Wanna hold your hand forever  
Never let you forget it  
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty and  
You get that all the time, I know you do  
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup  
And I wanna show you what I see tonight

When I wrap you up

When I kiss your lips  
I wanna make you feel wanted  
And I wanna call you mine  
Wanna hold your hand forever  
Never let you forget it  
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel  
I wanna make you feel better  
Better than your fairy tales  
Better than your best dreams  
You're more than everything I need

You're all I ever wanted  
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up  
Wanna kiss your lips  
I wanna make you feel wanted  
And I wanna call you mine  
Wanna hold your hand forever  
Never let you forget it  
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted  
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel wanted  
'Cause you'll always be wanted

Even


	24. I'm Yours, 25.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it  
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted  
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back  
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest

And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention  
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some  
But I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait, I'm yours  
Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free  
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love  
Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing  
We're just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved  
So I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait, I'm sure  
There's no need to complicate, our time is short  
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do  
But do you want to come on  
Scooch on over closer dear  
And I will nibble your ear  
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror  
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer  
But my breath fogged up the glass  
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason  
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue  
But I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait, I'm yours  
Come on and open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and man you're free  
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours  
So please don't, there's no need  
There's no need to complicate  
'Cause our time is short  
This is, this is, this is our fate  
I'm yours

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, it's the day of the reunion. Even is fucking pumped, in case you haven't noticed. He's listening to some music and somehow every song seems to be about Isak. 
> 
> I won't hesitate no more. I'm yours. 
> 
> So he makes his way over to Isak's.


	25. 5 Fine Frøkner, 28.11.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go my lovelies <3 
> 
> Don´t forget to listen to 5 Fine Frøkner at least once while reading this :D 
> 
> I hope you like it :)

Kjære Isak,

 

_You make me drive myself up_

_There's nothing that can bring me down_

_You make everything go up in smoke_

_There's no one else I'd rather do this with_

 

No, Isak, there´s no one else I´d rather do this with. This is not just some stupid song that happened to come on on the radio on Saturday morning in your kitchen. It describes what my weekend felt like so damn perfectly, I feel like I have to replay it over and over again to make sure I didn´t just dream everything. It would have been the single most wonderful dream anyone on this earth has ever had. Except it wasn´t a dream, which makes it a million times more wonderful. I can´t believe I, of all people, get to be this lucky. What did I do to deserve you? 

I can´t believe you made me throw over my epic plan to win you back on Friday. But with you, I always seem to have a little less control even than in general, so why am I surprised, really? I should´ve known it would never go as I imagined. I just didn´t know it could go better, so much better.

I was sitting in my room all afternoon, drawing. I brought it all to paper, Isak. The moment I saw you on the first day of school, with your cute little blonde curls peeking out from beneath your snapback. The two of us sitting on that bench at the first Kosegruppa meeting. You on top of my kitchen counter, telling me which spices to use for our cheese toasties. God and Julius Caesar breaking into a swimming pool. The boy who couldn´t hold his breath under water. Our first kiss. Two sleepy boys lying on your bed smoking, kissing, talking. You and me in the locker room at school. The smile on your face when I told you my parents would love you. Me on my own, but always with you on my mind. You at school, the most gorgeous boy I know. I drew it all and put it together like a comic book. The story of how I lost my heart to you.

Music was playing in the background while I was working on it. Every song reminded me of you, of us.

 

_You´re so fucking special_

_-_

_Been trying to forget you is just a waste of time_

_-_

_I´m here without you baby, but you´re still in my lonely dreams_

_-_

_I wanna feel the way it feels to make you stay_

_-_

_For I can´t help falling in love with you_

_-_

_And I wanna call you mine, Wanna hold your hand forever, Never let you forget it_

_-_

_This is our fate, I´m yours_

 

How could they not be about you, Isak? About how much I wanted you? About how much I´d been missing you? You hadn´t reacted to the drawing I put into your locker the previous day, just like you hadn´t reacted to the one before, but there was no way I was going to wait any longer. I was going to explode if I didn´t do something to get you back. I couldn´t stand the silence between us. I was going to take my collection of drawings and make you look at it. Hell, maybe I was even going to buy a hundred roses and turn up at your door with them. Or stand beneath your window with a fucking boom box and play all those songs people seemed to have written about you. There´s not much I wouldn´t have done, is what I´m saying. 

And then I got that text from you. My heart skipped one or two beats when your name appeared on the screen of my phone. It was like the universe was giving me a sign. Except the universe had nothing to do with it, it was all you. So you were giving me a sign. You said you liked the drawing. You said you wanted more. You wanted me to break up with Sonja and call you. You still wanted me. You wanted me to fight for you. You didn´t know I´d already ended things with Sonja, but I had. You wanted me to choose you over her, which I already had. I just needed to tell you.

It was such a short message, but you were telling me everything I needed to know from you. So this was it. I had to finally do something. I had to explain myself. I had to go find you. I had to tell you there was nothing left between Sonja and me anymore. I had to tell you I wanted you. I had to prove that I did, in fact, want so much more from you. So I put on my shoes and a jacket and rushed down the stairs. I found myself in the street in front of our house in the dark. I remembered I should probably answer your text. Where are you, I thought. We need to talk. Can we talk? Please, let us talk.

I hit send and started running. I´d forgotten my drawings in my room, I´d scrapped the ideas of bringing flowers or love songs or whatever. There was no room in my brain. No room for thinking, and no time either. I was coming for you. I was going to make it right. Isak, I thought, Isak. I didn´t even see your text telling me that you were chilling at home. I would have stood at your door anyways. I took a couple of seconds to catch my breath, but then rang the bell before I had the chance to freak out. Of course, I freaked out anyways. My heart was hammering so fucking loudly inside my chest, I couldn´t hear anything else. This was my chance. The thought of fucking it up once again was scaring the living hell out of me.

I already thought you´d leave me standing there when you finally opened the door. God, you were so beautiful, Isak. Of course you were wearing the red snapback. My Isak, just the way I´d seen you every time I´d closed my eyes and started dreaming. I was so indescribably relieved to be standing in front of you. I was getting the chance to say all the things I´d been dying to tell you. But when I should have said them, everything went green like the colour of your eyes. How was I supposed to get out any more than that pathetic "Halla"?

It was the moment when you kissed me that I knew how. I didn´t have to use actual words. I was just going to let my body talk. My lips, my tongue, my hands. We would let our bodies have the conversation they´d been craving for weeks. So we did. And damn, Isak, is your body good at talking. I´m dying right now thinking about it, getting hard and melting at the same time. Your hand around my neck, your lips on mine, the taste of your mouth. You yanking off my clothes, your hungry eyes all over my body, the tip of your tongue trailing my skin. The feeling of you. The feeling of us. Sweet music. Pure magic. Soaring into the clouds. And then, fireworks.

 

_You make me drive myself up_

_There's nothing that can bring me down_

_You make everything go up in smoke_

_There's no one else I'd rather do this with_

 

Falling asleep next to you must be the single best feeling in the world, I thought when I heard you breathing steadily into my neck. I´d forgotten what it feels like to be at complete peace with myself and the world. I turned off the lights in your room. God knows how long you hadn´t been sleeping properly. I corrected my former assumption that falling asleep next to you was the best feeling known to mankind the first time I woke up that night. You have no idea what it feels like, to open your sleepy eyes to the sight of Isak Valtersen. And I didn´t even have to open my eyes. I felt your skin on mine before taking the first look. I could smell you. You were all over me and I was in heaven. I woke up every hour or so, simply because I needed to take in as much of this sensation as possible. 

After the sun was up, I became a little restless. I don´t usually sleep in. I´m too impatient to wait for the days to begin, especially when I´m feeling good. I was feeling deliriously happy that morning. I was on top of the world. I watched you sleep for hours. Sometimes, the corners of your mouth twitched a tiny little bit, almost putting a light smile on your pretty face. I almost dared to hope I was the reason.

When I heard someone move outside of your room I got up. I´d forgotten you don´t live alone, even though I´d met Eskild before. I thought it would be weird for me to be over at your place again and hide inside your room. I didn´t want them to think I´m weird. They´re your roommates, after all, and I´d really like them to like me. So I picked a shirt from your cupboard and stepped outside, trying my best not to wake you.

Eskild and Noora are just so great, I think you´ve found yourself the best roommates. I offered to make them breakfast, but they wouldn´t let me, so I told them I was going to make some for you anyways. I might have exaggerated a little bit, plundering your entire fridge and using everything I could find to prepare food, but I felt like I still owed you big time and I was planning on making so much, Eskild and Noora would have to help us eat all of it.

I almost had them there when you entered the kitchen, looking all sleepy and ruffled. I´m still not over the surprised look on your face when you saw me there. Where did you think I´d been gone? Like I was ever going to leave you again. But of course, you didn´t know that. We might have made up the previous night somehow, but we didn´t really talk. You still didn´t know I was trying to make things right. You didn´t know how determined I was to give you all you wanted from me. You didn´t know Sonja was not an issue anymore. I´m sorry I put you in a position where you had to worry about her, where you felt like some sort of third wheel crushing on a guy in a relationship. Also, I wasn´t aware that you knew me and her hooked up that one Friday night at Emma´s. I wonder who told you, even though it doesn´t matter.

You see, none of what happened before really matters anymore. It´s you and me, Isak. You´re right, only I can feel what I feel, which is exactly why I feel like I love you. And only you can feel what you feel, but that doesn´t mean I´m not going to make you feel the greatest of all feelings for the rest of my life. I didn´t lie when I told you I hadn´t felt anything like this, like what you make me feel, in a very long time. Actually, I don´t think I´ve ever felt like this before. You´re so special, Isak. You make the world appear in different colours, brighter and way more beautiful.

 

_Oh we don't need the world, because me and you are the world_

_we don't need the world, because me and you are the world_

_The sound of something that lets us go_

_We don't have money but we own everything_

 

_You make me drive myself up_

_There's nothing that can bring me down_

_You make everything go up in smoke_

_There's no one else I'd rather do this with_

 

As I said before, there´s no one I´d rather do this with. To be honest, there´s no one I ever could do this with. Because "this" as it is only exists with you. It is what it is because it´s you and me, Isak. You and me. Isn´t that wonderful, mannen i mitt liv? I can´t believe you said that. You don´t know what you did to me by that. Again, fireworks. 

And they kept shooting and shining and blowing up my mind for the entire weekend, with every touch of your hand and every kiss from your lips. How did we even make it out of your bed on Monday morning? I just remember freezing outside on my way home, without your body next to mine and your blanket keeping us both warm, shielding us from the world that keeps spinning, even when mine stopped. I remeber the look on my mother´s face when I stopped by our house before school to collect my stuff. I think she was going to give me a lecture on how she was worried sick when I didn´t come home or at least call for the whole weekend and how I had to remember to check in with her every once in a while. For some reason, she didn´t.

I forgot half of my books for Monday´s classes at home, but brought my headphones to listen to my Isak-playlist. I couldn´t stop thinking about you. I don´t even remember being in class. I don´t remember getting home or having lunch with my Mom and Matilde, which I suppose I did. I just know I´m lying here on my bed, with nothing but you on my mind, listening to our song on repeat.

 

_You make me drive myself up_

_There's nothing that can bring me down_

_You make everything go up in smoke_

_There's no one else I'd rather do this with_

 

I can´t wait to see you again.

I love you.

The man of your dreams,

Even

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo, what do you think? :)


	26. I Believe in a Thing Called Love, 29.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

Can't explain all the feelings  
That you're making me feel  
My heart's in overdrive  
And you're behind the steering wheel

Touching you, touching me  
Touching you, god you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love  
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart  
There's a chance we could make it now  
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down  
I believe in a thing called love

I wanna kiss you  
Every minute, every hour, every day  
You got me in a spin  
But everything is "A" O.K!

Touching you, touching me  
Touching you, god you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love  
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart  
There's a chance we could make it now  
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down  
I believe in a thing called love

Touching you, touching me  
Touching you, god you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love  
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart  
There's a chance we could make it now  
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down  
I believe in a thing called love

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm officially done with my exams, so I'm back getting in the right mood with some songs. The next full chapter will be up on Sunday, so hang on a little longer please! :)


	27. You and Me, 29.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

You and me were always with each other  
Before we knew the other was ever there  
You and me we belong together  
Just like a breath needs the air

I told you if you called I would come runnin'  
Across the highs the lows and the in between  
You and me, we've got two minds that think as one  
And our hearts march to the same beat  
They say everything it happens for a reason  
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person  
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart  
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark  
Oh, that's you and me

You and me, we're searching' for the same light  
Desperate for a cure to this disease  
Well, some days are better than others  
But I fear no thing as long as you're with me  
They say everything' it happens for a reason  
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person  
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart  
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark

And they say everything it happens for a reason  
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person  
Someone who will be there for you when you start to fall apart  
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark

Oh, that's you and me  
Oh, that's you and me  
Oh, that's you and me  
That's you and me

Even


	28. Not a Bad Thing, 29.11.2016

Kjære Isak, 

Said all I want from you  
Is to see you tomorrow  
And every tomorrow  
Maybe you'll let me borrow, your heart  
And is it too much to ask for every Sunday?  
An while we're at it throw in every other day to start

I know people make promises all the time

Then they turn right around and break them  
When someone cuts your heart open with a knife and you're bleeding  
But I could be that guy to heal it over time  
And I won't stop until you believe it  
'Cause baby you're worth it

So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me

Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true with me  
Spend all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free  
So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me  
It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

Now how about I be the last voice you hear tonight?

And every other night for the rest of the nights that there are  
And every morning I just wanna see you staring back at me  
'Cause I know that's a good place to start

I know people make promises all the time

Then they turn right around and break them  
Then someone cuts your heart open with a knife  
Now you're bleeding  
Don't you know that I could be that guy to heal it over time  
And I won't stop until you believe it  
Cause baby you're worth it

So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me

Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true with me  
Spend all your time and your money just find out my love was free  
So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me  
It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me  
Not such a bad thing to fall in love with me

No I won't fill your mind with broken promises  
And wasted time  
And if you fall  
You'll always land right in these arms  
These arms of mine  
Don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me  
Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true with me  
Spend all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free  
So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me  
It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me  
Not such a bad thing to fall in love with me

Even


	29. Allting, 30.11.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, I´ve changed the rating to explicit before posting this chapter.   
> All those who don´t want smut can simply stop at "...it´s simply what you get when you fall in love with Isak Valtersen.", then skip the following five passages and continue reading at "I could go on like this forever..."
> 
> Enjoy <3

Kjære Isak,

What are you doing to me? Why can´t I ever stop thinking about you? How did you manage to get under my skin this fast? I have no idea how exactly this happened to me. To me, who has been so worried about myself all those months before. Me, who´s tried staying away from people, not getting attached under any circumstances. Until you came along. I don´t know if I´m supposed to be happy or scared. I suppose I´m both.

The thing is, for the first time in forever, it seems like it doesn´t matter how afraid I am. Because the only alternative to getting hurt, to losing you, to getting my heart broken by you is not having you in the first place, which is simply unthinkable right now. Everything felt wrong and broken and not worth it after I´d left you und you didn´t talk to me. And since Friday, I´m trapped in a dream that just keeps getting better. I´m a little scared of waking up at some point to the realization that it wasn´t real, but it´s still the most perfect feeling imaginable. Plus, it is real, which I keep reminding myself of. You´re real, and you couldn´t be any more perfect.

I know I´m being ridiculous with all the letters and songs and all the feelings that just keep bubbling out of me. But how could I not when everything going on inside of my head is about you? If I´m losing my mind right now, then I never want it back. I just want to be with you. The man of my dreams. The man in my life. If only you could see all the drawings I´ve made today. I´m practically buried in them in my bed. Some day, I will give them to you, all of them. Just not all of them at once, just to make sure I´m not getting brought back to Gaustad.

Sitting here on my own, I´m asking myself a thousand questions. When will I see you again? And what will it be like? How would you react if we met in school? How am I supposed to greet you? You´re not really out of the closet yet, right? Does anyone apart from kollektivet know about us? And do you want them to? Will you let me kiss you in school? Or anywhere outside of your apartment? Will you come meet my parents?

God, I don´t know if I´ve ever been this excited in my life. Have you ever felt like time´s not passing fast enough? Like the mornings take too long to come? Like you need all the new days to start immediately, simply because you´re so thrilled about everythings that´s about to happen. I can´t wait for the next morning that I wake up next to you. I can´t wait to see your beautiful face again, to touch you, to kiss your wonderful lips. I can´t find sleep at night, because I´m busy fantasizing about it.

I imagine passing you in the hallway at school tomorrow. You´re so deeply focused on the biology textbook in your hands that you´re reading while walking, so you don´t even see me at first. But your steps become slower and slower until you come to a halt right in front of me, still not looking up. Fuck, you´re so adorable. I lean down, trying to catch your eye and you finally lift your head. I almost lose myself in the incredible green of your eyes. I can´t imagine a day when they´re not going to take my breath away. "Halla", you say, except it´s just a whisper, so that noone else but me can hear it. The people around us disappear in one big blur in the corner of my eye. All I can see is you. You´re wearing that white t-shirt that has Jesus on it, the one you gave me the night of our first kiss. I believe you put it on on purpose. Because we´re back at that point again where nothing matters but the two of us talking, holding each other, kissing. Not letting go. Our relationship is as innocent again as it was that weekend. We´re reborn.

I move to touch your hair. I can´t stop myself from neither that nor the big smile that has to be on my face by now. You´re just too pretty to handle, you know. "I gotta get to class", you tell me. No, I think, no no no, you gotta be anywhere where I can be with you right now. You can totally read my mind. You give me a smile that can probably cure my disorder. "Will you walk me there?", you ask. Do you really need to ask? Of course I will. You walk right next to me, shoulders touching. I can´t see the faces other people make when they see us. I couldn´t care less. Then you grab my hand and hold it in yours. My heart skips a beat. I can´t stop smiling. The butterflies are going nuts inside of me. I look at you, but you just keep walking. I tighten my grip around your hand. I don´t know how I make it the whole way to your class without exploding. I´ve been therebefore, so full of feelings that I´m scared of bursting, but this time, they feel so good. It´s never been such a warm and peaceful sensation before. It´s not too much. It´s more, way more that I´m used to, but it´s simply what you get when you fall in love with Isak Valtersen.

In another dream, I convinced you to sneak into the empty storage room for the science equipment next to the chemistry classrooms. I would have been quite impressed by all the stuff they keep there, but I was all busy dragging my boyfriend behind a huge shelf packed with colorful shining substances while sucking on his neck. I apologize in case you don´t like walking around with hickeys all over you, but I seem to be obsessed with leaving my marks on your wonderful soft skin. It´s my way of saying "Even Bech Næsheim was here" or "Property of Even Bech Næsheim" or something like that. I don´t mean it as macho as it probably sounds, I just like the thought of leaving something behind on you that tells people you´re mine. The thought that you´re mine. 

My hands are all over you and your hands are all over me. I press your hips into the shelf with mine, you start kissing me even more deeply while pulling my hair. I can´t believe I get to feel you like this. Your tongue tastes like a sweet, sweet miracle. The noises you´re making send shivers down my spine. I can´t get enough of you. I need to be even closer to you, so I take your shirt off. The best thing is that you seem to have the same idea and help me get rid of my clothes as well. The sensation of hot skin touching hot skin nearly finishes me. We could probably provide the entire city with energy just by making out during the breaks every school day.

I have to take a step back to take in the sight of you before we continue. You look so fucking hot, your hair all messy, your cheeks flushed, lips slightly parted in anticipation, your chest heaving heavily. It only takes like two seconds until we´re drawn back together like magnets. When I draw a line of kisses down your neck and across your chest, you start grinding your body against mine. I can feel your boner against mine and it makes me even harder, if that´s possible. I don´t think anything´s ever made me this hot. I let my hands wander down your belly and disappear into your pants. The jerking and hissing you do when I close my fingers around your cock is the hottest thing in the world.

Everything I want right now is to make you feel good, so I slowly get down on my knees in front of you, leaving kisses everywhere on my way down. Your abs twitching beneath my lips turn me on so badly. I look up at you while unzipping your pants and finally freeing your already leaking cock. Your eyes are shut, eyebrows drawn together, your head tilted back, adam´s apple showing beautifully. Your hands grab the shelf behind you for stabilization when I begin licking along your wonderful pulsating length. Then I put my lips around the tip and hear you moan in the most incredible, sexy way imaginable. I want to make you feel so fucking good. I take your whole cock into my mouth and start moving around it. Your groans and little oh fucks and oh yeahs are fucking music to my ears, but I somehow manage to remind you that we´re in school and someone could still hear us. "Fuck it, let them hear us", you press out breathlessly and push my head back towards your crotch with one hand.

I can´t believe you just said that. You must be even more turned on than I am, and I feel like I could come right now untouched, just from the feeling of your dick in my throat. WhenI feel you start twitching and wincing more and more I still put a hand around my cock so that when you finally buckle and squirt your hot load down my throat, I follow you right after. I pull you down to the ground with me and take you in my arms until you stop trembling. You look so perfect with your face shining in bright red. I´m the luckiest guy in the universe.

I could go on like this forever, telling you all the dreams and fantasies I´ve had about you since last weekend. I see your pretty face every time I close my eyes. I can smell your scent on my pillows, even though you´ve never actually been in my bed. (I plan to change that as soon as possible, by the way.) I can hear the sound of your breathing when I lie awake at night. I don´t know how much longer I can wait to have you back in my arms. I just want to hold you tight and keep you for the rest of our lives. If I´m the man of your life, then what are you to me, Isak? You´re everything. Everything on my mind. Everything I think about. Everthing my dreams are made of. Everything people write songs about. Everything that´s in the air so I can breathe it in. Everything that´s worth living for. Everything, everything, everything.

God, I need to see you again, Isak.

Can´t wait.

Love you,

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaustad sykehus, which is mentioned at the beginning of this letter, is a mental hospital located in Oslo. I´ve made it a part of Even´s story that he´s going to talk about a little more in following letters. 
> 
> As you all now, we´re right on the way to Episode 8 now and therefore, the big crash with Even´s manic episode reaching its peak. It hurts already writing this in the knowledge what´s going to happen soon (in two days), but I want to remind everyone that Isak is ultimately going to be there to save Even right back. Love conquers everything, right? 
> 
> How did you like this one?


	30. Love Me Like You Do, 01.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

You're the light, you're the night  
You're the color of my blood  
You're the cure, you're the pain  
You're the only thing I wanna touch  
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

I´m afraid I don´t know what else to write to express how insanely in love you make me feel. How many more ways are there to say you´d go through hell and back for someone? To say they light up your world like nothing else ever could or will? To say that one smile from them means more to you than all the money in the world? That nothing is more precious than this boy? How many more pictures have to be drawn to prove there´s nothing else on my mind but you? How many songs can be played on the radio that are about you? 

In some moments I think that it has to be too much. Too good to be true, you know? How can my life just stop being my usual sucky life as soon as you enter the picture? How can I just stop caring about anything non-Isak-related and jump right into this feeling head first, leaving my socially anxious self behind? Is it a dream? Or worse, is it my disorder? If there´s one thing I´m scared of, it´s this: my sick mind playing tricks on my desperately love-seeking heart. If this is an episode I´m having and I crash down in a couple of days and I find out it wasn´t real in the first place, then I might as well just die. Do you know what I mean? If I experience these feelings I´m having about you right now, but they´re not real, if I´m not really capable of loving someone for real, then what´s the point of it all? If not even you can make me feel human, then what hope is left for me?

Last summer, I tried to teach Matilde a little something about fear. She was spending all summer at the lake with this other girl, Mari I think. There´s this pretty big rock where all the older kids always jump off into the water, if you know which one I mean. You´re probably one of them. You´ve probably been there at least a thousand times, having a good time with your friends, hanging and drinking beer and listening to music and jumping off that rock, making the younger kids stare in awe and wonder if they could jump too. It was most certainly Mari´s idea to jump off the rock into the water.

One evening, I found my baby sister in front of our house when I came home. She was still in her bathing suit, tears streaming down her little face. You have a little sister yourself, right? So you know what it feels like to see them cry. Like you want to punch the universe in the face, because it didn´t take good enough care of them. When I´d dried her tears and asked her what was wrong, she told me the other children at the lake had been giving her a hard time because she was afraid to jump. Just like her older brother, she´s always been afraid of heights. Maybe not actually afraid of heights, but afraid of falling. I couldn´t blame her, but me being just as chicken-hearted as her somehow didn´t make her feel any better. 

What I finally told her was this: It´s perfectly natural to be scared. It´s your body´s way of protecting itself. Your brain tells you not to climb a big fucking rock because it´s trying to avoid falling and hurting. What that means for you is two things: Firstly, you don´t have to be ashamed of your fears. Everybody has them. Secondly, it´s up to you whether you listen to the voice telling you to let it be. Is it worth the risk? You can probably imagine the proud big brother I was when she told those stupid bullies to fuck off and refused to let them make her jump. She´d decided she didn´t need to prove anything to them. She´d decided it wasn´t worth it. 

Is it worth it for me now? Well, the risk is way bigger than tripping or slipping and falling. The potential damage is far worse than a couple of bruises or scratches or broken bones, even. But "it" in my case is you. Are you worth it? 

You're the fear, I don't care  
'Cause I've never been so high  
Follow me through the dark  
Let me take you past our satellites  
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

Seriously, I can´t imagine a parallel universe where an Even lets his fear of getting hurt get in the way of going after his Isak. What kind of shitty universe would that be? I´m telling you, there´s no thinkable way you´re not worth it. Whatever heart break´s to come for me. Isn´t that what people mean when they talk about unconditional love, Isak? Not loving someone in spite of them treating you badly, not blindly forgiving every wrong they do you, but rather loving them without expecting to be loved back equally. I don´t expect you to be this crazy in love. Hell, you might be better off without this mess. But if you do, Isak, then do it, just the way you do it. 

So love me like you do, love me like you do  
Love me like you do, love me like you do  
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do  
What are you waiting for?

You want to know what I´m waiting for? It´s tomorrow. Friday, December 2nd in the beautiful year 2016. I can´t wait to see you, baby. I can´t wait to see your face when I show you my surprise. I could scream just thinking about it. You´ll love it. And I´ll love you. A special Friday night for the most special boy I know. To celebrate the way you touch me, the way you kiss me. The way your body reacts when I touch you. Those wonderful little noises you make. I want to make you feel good. Not sexually, you know. Well, at least not only sexually. I want you to have the best Friday in your life and I want you to feel like nothing else could make it more perfect. Just the way I feel when I´m with you. I want to love you. 

Fading in, fading out  
On the edge of paradise  
Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I've got to find  
Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire  
Yeah, I'll let you set the pace  
'Cause I'm not thinking straight  
My head's spinning around I can't see clear no more  
What are you waiting for?

Save me, Isak, because I´m really not thinking straight any more. My head keeps spinning and it´s the sweetest sensation that I know. If this is the kind of chaos you put me into, I never want to come back to clarity again. It´s so beautiful. I´m high for being in love with you and I just want it to go on forever. I just want to see you, smell you, hear you. I want to feel you, taste you. How lucky I am, that I have something so incredibly special to look forward to. I love you. 

So love me like you do, love me like you do  
Love me like you do, love me like you do  
Touch me like you do, touch me like you do  
What are you waiting for?

I love you, 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. This is for you who´ve been waiting for an update. It makes be indescribably happy that my writing means something to you. :) 
> 
> Tell me what you think, your comments mean the world to me <3
> 
> I´m trying to update again on Wednesday.


	31. 1234, 02.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

It´s almost three in the morning but the thoughts of you keep me awake. I´m starting to wonder how people survive this, survive being insanely in love. How do they sleep or eat or keep their hearts from jumping right through their chests? Or do they not know this feeling? Do other people not feel the way I feel about you? I mean, how could they?  
Have you ever looked around in school or the supermarket or the middle of the city, Isak? Do those people not look like completely normal to you too? There´s simply no way they´ve got this sort of rollercoaster going on inside of them. Wouldn´t we have noticed?

I know I´m sounding crazy again, but can you blame me? It´s the day I´m going to show you just how hard I´ve fallen for you, Baby. The day I´m going to tell you what I have to tell you. The day I´m going to find out whether all this dreaming and hoping was in vain or if maybe, eventually, even I have a chance to be really, genuinely happy.

I´m scared shitless, to be entirely honest with you, scared of getting an answer I won´t like, but what do I have to lose, really? Nothing matters but you, Isak, and I can´t lose you anyways. I will either end up by your side or learn that you´ve never truly been mine to begin with. It´s as simple as that. 

In spite of all the fear and the worries, I´m sitting here almost trembling in anticipation of what´s (hopefully) to come. Yes, I love you and today I´m going to lay it all on the line, but that´s not all I´ve got planned for us. If only you knew the arrangements I´ve made to make sure you won´t ever forget this Friday. You´re going to tell your grandchildren about it one day. Only you´ll have to leave out a couple of hours of our evening activities, because no one wants to hear about the best sex their grandfather ever had.

I swear, ever since what happened at your place last Friday, I can´t get it out of my head, your smell, your taste, the way it sounds when you half whisper, half moan my name into the cool silence around us. I could close my eyes right now and see your blushed cheeks and your parted, swollen lips and your trembling hands. I could hear your heavy breathing and faint groaning and if I only teased you long enough, I´d get to hear you beg for more. Oh, what a sweet, sweet concept.

Of course, as we both know, I wouldn´t let you wait very long. I just can´t seem to resist you. And with you pulling my hair and calling my name – what greater goal is there than your satisfaction? I´ve been playing it out in my head over and over again – every possible way to make you feel good. Do you want to know my most common fantasy of these last days?

You step out of the school building on a Friday afternoon after the last period. You look tired and a little grumpy, as so often, but I like that look on you. I think I need to see it from time to time, simply to remind myself that you´re human, too.

Anyways, your annoyed look changes to surprised and then confused and then amused when you discover me waiting at the other side of the street. “The fuck you wearing a suit for?”, you ask me. Good question, but there´s no point in answering it, “It´s a surprise”, I inform you. I greet you with a kiss that gives you a little foretaste of what you´re in for. It´s the kind of kiss that makes all the people around us turn their faces away in the shame of witnessing a quite intimate situation that is clearly not meant for their eyes, even though they´ll think about it later, wishing they had someone to kiss them like that.

Am I being dramatic again? Well, what can I say, you better get used to it. 

It´s only after we break apart that you notice the limousine parked behind us. “You did not…”, you start saying, but you already know that, fuck yes I did. “You´re crazy”, you claim. “No need to state the obvious, Isak”, I smile and open a black shiny door for you.

The ride is too short to enjoy the champagne I brought, but the sexual tension is already emitting sparks between our bodies anyways, so the faster we get to our suite, the better. We cross the reception hall and ride the elevator up into the clouds above Oslo, but we´re too busy keeping our hands to ourselves (or maybe not)to notice the beauty surrounding us. Everything we want to take in right now is each other. 

I unlock the door and then watch you stepping into the room, breathing in harshly and staring in awe. “Have I mentioned that I think you´re crazy?”, you whisper. Instead of replying, I play “Crazy in Love” on my iPod, because it´s the truth. I´m crazy in love with you.

I step behind you as you´re still standing in the middle of the room. I wrap my arms around you and feel your body relax against mine. I can feel your heart beating through your back and our clothes. The beat of your heart is the most alive that anything can feel to me. I press my nose into your hair. Holding you in my arms feels like coming home.

For someone like me, Isak, every day is a battle. It takes almost the energy I have in me to get out of bed some mornings. It requires an incredible amount of willpower to get through the day pretending to be alright when in reality, you want to run screaming and hide in the dark in fetal position until everybody´s just gone. It´s exhausting having to talk like normal people do, to smile, not because you´re happy but out of politeness. It´s hard and after every dayyou made it through, you just wish there wasn´t another one to come tomorrow.

But being with you, Isak, holding you tight and being hekd by you, feels like returning from that battle to a warm and safe place. It´s like having my wounds taken care of, washing away the tears and the blood and the pain. Being where I belong. Where nothing is hard or painful. Everything´s just you and me and nothing could ever feel like that. Nothing could ever come close.

I start stroking up and down your upper body. You lay your head back to rest it on my shoulder, so I take my time kissing your neck. I try my best to send little shivers down your spine and can´t help myself but smile when it works. You lean into me a little further and then suddenly turn around to face me. 

“Did you book this suite just so we could bang?”, you want to know. I let out a laugh. You look so adorable. “Not just that”, I respond, “we can do some other stuff later if you like.” You kiss me again, your tongue forceful and promising. You don´t really stop the kiss to tell me “nah, I´m good with you just fucking me all night long.” Jesus, Isak, you didn´t have to say that to make me hard but now I sure am.

“As you wish, Baby”, I say as I push you towards and then on top of the king-size bed. Our kisses are hot and rough, our cocks hard against each other. You practically rip my suit and tie off my body. Our hearts beat in sync, our breathing becomes one and all that shit. But I´m not trying to be romantic here.

We get rid of our clothes impatiently. You hiss when hot skin touches hot skin. I can´t get enough of you, so I try to touch and kiss every centimetre of your body. Your nipples get hard immediately under my tongue. You bend your hips against my lips. Oh, so fucking greedy, my Baby.

You´re obviously just as eagerly aroused as I am, I realize when you grab the bottle of lube from my backpack and start sucking on my fingers. You have no idea how hot that is. With your eyes closed you push yourself even closer to me. Suddenly, I can´t stand not being inside you any longer. 

With my fingers slick and wet I make my way down your belly. “Are you sure you want me to?”, I ask. Your squirming body underneath mine should answer that question, but you look me straight in the eye and say: “Fuck me, Even. Now.” 

Your words do things to me. A lot of sweet, painfully pleasant things. I can´t properly put it into words, I´m afraid, but I can show you. And I do. 

I take my time preparing you with my fingers, but not too much, because you´re already fidgeting and moaning my name. I can´t believe that I can do that to you. So beautiful.  
I get up and kiss you. You pull my hair and wrap your legs around me, ankles crossing above my ass, heels pushing me inside you. The world stops spinning as I enter your tight ass. It stops and then suddenly spins a million times faster than usual. I´m in heaven. I move back and forth, draw circles into you with my hips. I´m glad you´re already so far gone, because I sure as hell won´t last long. 

That suspicion grows stronger as you dig your nails into my upper arms, repeating a whispered “You feel so fucking good inside me.” I quicken my pace and you gasp for air. “Fuck yes.” I get closer. “Fuck, I´m coming.” Me too, Baby, me too. You push me over the edge with you when you scream out my name loudly and your hole tightens around me.   
I´ve never some so damn hard. It takes us a couple of minutes to catch our breath. You look so perfect, your hair ruffled, squirts of your own semen all over your chest. Just when I think this moment couldn´t be any more perfect, you look at me and say: “I love you.”

No, I do not cry when I have this dream, I´m not a baby, Isak. Okay, maybe I do a little. It´s just too wonderful to not cry. I´m sorry, I shouldn´t set the bar for our evening this high probably. No pressure. The thing is, no matter what happens today or tonight, I´m almost certain you can exceed even my wishful thinking. If anyone, you can do it. I don´t have one single doubt about that in my mind, simply because it´s you. It´s you and I love you. And I´m going to tell you, you know?

Give me more loving than I´ve ever had  
Make me feel better when I´m feeling sad  
Tell me I´m special even when I know I´m not  
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad  
Barely getting mad  
I´m so glad I found you  
I love being around you  
You make it easy

Yes, you make it easy. Everything that I thought I could never have because of my disease. My moods I´ve been faking towards others my entire life. The things I keep to myself because nobody understands. The feelings I have that I´m not allowed to show. With you it´s all easy. I love you. I want to tell you. Easy.

Give me more loving from the very start  
Piece me back together when I fall apart  
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends  
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad  
Best that I´ve had  
I´m so glad I found you  
I love being around you  
You make it easy  
It´s easy as 1, 2, 3, 4  
There´s only one thing  
To do  
Three words  
For you  
I love you  
There´s only one way  
To say  
Those three words  
That´s what I´ll do  
I love you

I love you,  
Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame on me, because I promised you to update yesterday and then couldn´t. Thanks for your patience and most importantly, for staying with me. Love you guys! <3
> 
> If anyone would like to have my original handwritten letter of this chapter or any other one, contact me here or on tumblr (flyde) and I can send them to you :)


	32. Matematikk, 02.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

It´s Friday, the 2nd December 2016, 5th period and I have maths. Just like during the previous four classes, I can´t concentrate on anything except tapping my feet on the floor as quickly and quietly as possible (judging from my teachers´and classmates´looks I´ve been managing quickly better than quietly). Other than that, I´m dreaming of you.

What can I say? I know you´re sitting just two classrooms away from me right now. I saw you this morning, looking as stunningly beautiful as ever. I can´t wait to drag you away from this awfully boring (cock-blocking!) place this afternoon. I should probably not be thinking about it too much, because until now I´m simply annoying everyone around me, but if someone finds me sitting here with a boner, they might just send me straight to Gaustad. So I guess I´m just trying my best not to imagine you naked. It´s torture.

To stop myself from drifting away, I´m writing down some of the most important reasons I fell for you. I´ve never been the brightest in maths anyway, just in case you´re worried about my education. Here are a couple of numbers, if that makes you feel any better:

1) Your green eyes once were the only color I could see in an entirely grey world.  
2) Your smile lights up this and every other universe.  
3) Your laugh makes fireworks of pure joy blow up inside me.  
4) I will never tire of making you roll your eyes.  
5) Your embarassingly awful rapping skills.  
6) The way you twitch your mouth when you´re thinking.

7) Your golden, perfectly shaped curls.  
8) The way said curls peek out from underneath your snapbacks.  
9) Your collection of snapbacks.  
10) Your beautiful mind.  
11) Your talking about science stuff and parallel universes.  
12) The tip of your tongue that I getto see when you´re concentrating.  
13) How easily I can make you blush.  
14) The thought of you calling me the man of your life.

15) Noone could ever look as hot as you dressed up as Julius Caesar.  
16) How you couldn´t hold your breath under water.  
17) The thought that it was me who took your breath away.   
18) Your touch. Your smell. Your taste.  
19) The way you introduced Eskimo kisses as a silent language between us.  
20) The way I completely forget about my sickness when I´m with you.  
21) The feeling of being in love with you.

Do not think these are the only things that make me love you (a little more every day, if that´s even possible), but the bell just rang and I should probably get out of here.

I´ll see you soon. Can´t wait. Elsker deg.

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a very short chapter I originally didn´t plan to write, but somehow I felt like Even would sit in class with nothing but Isak on his mind that Friday, so here it is.   
> Also, I thought I´d give you guys a little more happiness before the breakdown. 
> 
> As always, don´t hesitate to tell me your opinions :) Some of you have been the reason for me to sit down and start writing, so thank you! <3


	33. Cherry Wine, 05.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

I want someone who like the champagne I like  
My a-alike, someone to talk me off the bridge any day or night  
He teach me how to live, he ain't afraid of life  
Not easily impressed with the rich and famous life  
Cause he done been there and heard all the rumors before  
He love or he ride out with me on my music tour  
He like the herb's natural medicine, he cooking good  
He tell me everything is cool when it ain't looking good  
For real, the world so ill, yo I want a boy so real  
Who not after material wealth, but get dough still  
Or maybe an educator, a man with etiquette  
Who can be from out the hood or even work for the president  
As long as there's no selfishness  
Yes, as long as his love for the people is deep rooted and evident  
You can be easily recruited, you're heaven sent  
Your smile put me at ease  
You're the man I need, but where is he

Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

I hate when people write me hostile texts on account of my lifestyle's perception  
Invade my personal life? Out of the question, what are they expecting  
I be trying to reply and they never suppose I get my quiet time in  
They think forever I'm rolling in dough, swimming in a pool of cash  
God, wouldn't they know, or am I a fool or ass  
I'm well known, got people coming at me mad  
I had to tell homes, I don't keep a cell phone, my bad  
I drag off the L and try to silence it  
The noise in my head, the curse of the talented  
Strong communicator, vagabond, I gallivant around the equator  
And that would get me off the radar  
It's so intense, I'm on my Lilo and Stitch  
Pour my Pino Grigio and Cris with some lime what is this?  
An immaculate version of Me and My Bitch by Biggie  
With all respect cause you the only one that gets me

You're the man I need, but where is he

Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yeah, yeah, let's pour some cherry wine  
Everything's good, everything's fine  
Yeah, yeah we bring it every time  
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine  
Yeah, Hey yo Salaam, yea, I think they know the time  
Everything's good, everything's fine  
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeah

Life is good, life is good, yeah  
Life is good, no matter what  
Life is good, life is good  
Life is good, yeah  
No matter what  
Life is good

Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
Where is he?  
The man who was just like me  
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see  
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home  
I wanna go through my red and my cherry

Always remember that life is good, Isak. 

Even


	34. The Apologist, 05.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

They call me the apologist  
and now that I'm at peak  
you know at first it really hurt  
we joke about these things  
I've skirted all my differences  
but now I'm facing up  
I wanted to apologize for  
everything I was… so  
I'm sorry, so sorry…

did you understand me right?  
the people here are good  
they tell me what I should have done  
and offer what I could  
I'm good, all is good  
all's well, no complaints  
when I feel regret,  
I get down on my knees and pray  
I'm sorry, so sorry…

I live a simple life  
unfettered by complex sweets  
you think this isn't me?  
don't be weak  
there I go  
I'm so sorry

thank you for being there for me  
thank you for listening, goodbye  
I can forfeit selfishness  
i hope for you that you apply  
this happiness  
this peacefullness  
I'm sorry, so sorry

I live a simple life  
unfettered by complex sweets  
you think this isn't me?  
that's so sweet  
I'm so sorry

I´m so sorry.

Even


	35. What Hurts The Most, 05.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don’t bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m OK  
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I’m doin’ It  
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say (much to say)  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do, oh.

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say (to say)  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you  
That’s what I was trying to do

We were so close. I´m endlessly sorry "close" was everything we got.

Even


	36. Wish You Were Here, 05.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

So, so you think you can tell  
Heaven from Hell  
Blue skies from pain.  
Can you tell a green field  
From a cold steel rail?  
A smile from a veil?  
Do you think you can tell?  
Did they get you to trade  
Your heroes for ghosts?  
Hot ashes for trees?  
Hot air for a cool breeze?  
Cold comfort for change?  
And did you exchange  
A walk on part in the war  
For a lead role in a cage?  
How I wish, how I wish you were here.  
We're just two lost souls  
Swimming in a fish bowl  
Year after year  
Running over the same old ground.  
What have we found  
The same old fears.  
Wish you were here.

Even


	37. I Will Remember You, 05.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?  
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

 

But I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories  
Weep not for the memories

There´s not much else I can tell you today except the songs I´m listening to.   
They make me cry.  
They make me think of you.   
I´m sorry.

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listening to at least 50 of the saddest love songs ever written, watching ep. 9 over and over again and crying, I´m sitting here trying to feel what Even felt the week after his manic episode. 
> 
> For now, there´s just gonna be songs, because Even is too tired to think of enough words to write a letter on his own. 
> 
> The next full chapter will be up tomorrow evening.
> 
> Be strong, skamily! Love you guys <3


	38. I dette univers, 06.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

I´m so sorry. Sorry you had to witness my breakdown on Friday. Sorry I didn´t warn you before. Sorry I put you in a position where you had to worry about me, not knowing what was going on. Sorry I dragged you into my crazy life. Sorry I bothered you with my insanity. 

I´ve never had depression and a broken heart at the same time before. It´s killing me. No, if it was killing me, I´d actually be grateful. It´s paralyzing me, shooting a thousand tiny blades through my whole body every minute, breaking my heart over and over again although I´m almost certain there can´t possibly be anything left to be broken. It hurts too much to get out of bed. It hurts too much to speak. It even hurts too much to cry. The only thing that´s worse than my pain is the thought of yours.

I don´t know what to tell you, Isak. I want to give you something to understand, to make sense of all this mess that´s my life. I want to explain everything, but how could I? How could I express that I wasn´t really alive when I first saw you, that you brought me back to life just for me to wake up one day and realize it was all just a dream. Just my sick mind playing tricks on me.

First of all, I want you to know that none of what happened and is happening now is your fault. You are a wonderful person. I´ve known it all along, that you´re far too good for me. Too kind, too smart, too beautiful. I know that it doesn´t lessen the pain, but you don´t deserve any of this. And I´ve never deserved you. 

But being with you felt so incredibly great, I forgot it wasn´t possible. I knew it. I´ve always had this latent awareness that I wasn´t able to have a working relationship. That some things just weren´t for me, that I was too sick for that. The realization that it couldn´t work out with you in particular came crashing onto me when we were standing in the locker room at school, when you told me you´d decided your life would be better without mentally ill people in it. 

I´m sorry I didn´t respect that decision. You know I tried, but I just couldn´t make it. Couldn´t stay away from you. You were like a drug to me, and God, was I addicted already. I know I was wrong to just go ahead and try to win you back. I don´t know what would´ve been the right thing to do. Should I have stayed away from you? Should I have told you about my disorder? There´s no way to know now, but I´m sure I shouldn´t have just pretended that everything was alright. I´m sorry. 

Right now, there are so many things bothering me that the weight of it is pressing me down flat into my bed, making it hard to breathe. The things I´ve done wrong. The things I´m to blame for. The things that are scaring you, hurting you. The worst of all is not knowing what you know, what you think. I´ve probably left you confused and scared, with no explanation, nothing to hold onto but uncertainty. And then when I tried to reach out to you yesterday, you shut me down. You´re right. I should leave you alone, not make things even worse. I will, but this has to get out of me. It´s an attempt to tell you all the things I should´ve told you before, even if you never read it. 

I´ve already tried to explain to you how my disorder works, what it does to me. But now, it´s different. I´m not giving you some facts about a disease you don´t know about. Now we both know the fatal damage it can do and I´m telling you how. I know you´ve spoken to Sonja. And you know how to google, I suppose, so I don´t have to inform you about bipolar people like me having manic and depressed episodes. What I need you to know is that my love for you did not come with the mania and it didn´t end with the depression. It hasn´t ended.

I´m saying that, because it´s exactly what I struggle with the most as a bipolar person. Not being able to trust your feelings. Not knowing how much of it is you and how much is the disease. How much did I love you and how much did my mania make me feel like being in love? I know you´re asking yourself the same questions. It´s always been hard for me, you know. It´s like you´re this one person, but you´re also the manic person and the depressed person sometimes. Unfortunately, not even I know which person I´m dealing with most of the time. Not even now, that I´m clearly depressed, I´m entirely sure. The real me still has to be in there, I think. He´s the one who feels so bad about hurting you.

For a couple of weeks, my mania has been building up. It´s easy for me to see now. The hotel suite, the racing to your place the week before, all the drawing and writing, the sleepless nights, the singing and cooking in your kitchen, even the break-in into the swimming pool. It´s all been part of it. 

The thing is, Isak, I can´t see it while it´s happening. I mean, I know that it´s not normal to never sleep, but I honestly wasn´t aware of just how serious it was. It felt like just a little more, just a little brighter, just a little louder, just a little more intense. But with the way you made me feel, how should I have known it wasn´t just being in love with you? Here´s the important thing, Isak: It wasn´t just me going crazy either. You have to believe me. What I did might have been driven by an episode I was having, but why I did it wasn´t. Not entirely. I was truly and genuinely falling in love with you. I understand if this the end between us, but you have to believe me this. That I love you. That my disorder made it all go to shit, made me act all crazy about what I was feeling, but what I was feeling was real. Don´t you ever doubt that. 

Whatever happens next, whatever you decide to do with the knowledge about my disorder, in whatever light this might let our relationship appear, remember I love you. I don´t know much. Not nearly as much as you, probably. I´m not an expert in biology and universes and shit. Now that this happened, I feel like I know much less than I thought I did. But I know for a fact that I love you. And if this is breaking your heart half as much as it´s breaking mine, you loved me too. 

Isn´t that the worst about it? How close we were to what we wanted? That for at least a couple of days, we thought we had it. We were almost happy. And look where that “almost” got us. I´m sorry, Isak. Sorry that I didn´t leave you in peace in the first place. Sorry that I couldn´t give you more than “almost”. Sorry that we´re stuck in between now, where we can´t go back to the start but won´t ever reach the finish line either. 

Just know that you´re loved. Don´t you ever forget that you deserve the world and everything good inside it. And while in another universe, an Isak and his Even are eating cheese toasties together, lying in their bed talking about nothing, having the most meaningful conversations of all, while they confess their love to each other with nose nuzzles and cheesy songs and hashtags, in this universe, I´m setting you free. 

And if you´re ever feeling down, if you ever forget how perfect you are, remember that I still know. And in another universe, I´m telling you, but in this one, I trust you to know your worth. And if you ever feel alone, remember that in another universe, I´m holding you tight, but in this one, it has to be enough for me to think about you. And if you ever feel like nobody loves you, Isak, remember that I do, in every universe that has ever existed or ever will. 

Jeg elsker deg.

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dette univers = in this universe
> 
> Thank you so much for your time that you spend reading this, your opinions and support. It means the world to me and it´s the reason I got back into writing after a couple of weeks. 
> 
> I hope this and the next few chapters won´t get you down, but I can promise you a much more positive perspective from chapter 42 forward. 
> 
> Alt er love. 
> 
> <3


	39. Don't Go, 07.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

I was raised in the valley, there were shadows and death.  
Got out alive but with scars I can't forget.  
This kid back in school, subdued and shy.  
An orphan and a brother and unseen by most eyes.  
I don't know what it was that made a piece of him die,  
Took a boy to the forest, slaughtered him with a scythe.  
Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.  
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.  
But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?  
They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat.  
Is this what I get for the choices that I've made?  
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything.  
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.  
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.  
Don't go.  
Don't go.

If I let you in, you'd just want out.  
If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie.  
If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up.  
If you follow me, you will only get lost.  
If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch.  
But you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.

Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.  
Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much.  
Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.  
Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.  
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.  
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Don't go (you're not alone)  
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.  
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.  
Don't go.

How I wish there was a way for you not to go.

I love you.

Even


	40. Alene, 08.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

 

_Oh but when you're gone_

_When you're gone_

_When you're gone_

_Oh baby, all the lights go out_

 

I´ve never been this lost before. Now that you´re gone, that everything is ruined, nothing seems to make sense anymore. There is a seemingly endless empitness inside me that eats me up. It´s now worse than ever, because thanks to you, this time I finally know what I´m missing. Every time I close my eyes, I see green. I remember the sensation of your touch, the taste of your kisses like they´re the only thing I´ve known in my life. I don´t know what to do with myself without you. 

I know that you´re better off without me and I would never want to do any more damage than I already have, so of course, I don´t really want you back in my life. I want you to lead a happy life without mentally ill people around you. I want you to get enough sleep every night. I want you to attend classes and study hard and get good grades and go to uni. I want you to have at least one reason to smile every day, not to cry. I want you to think of the world as a beautiful place. I want you to dream and chase your goals. If I have to let you go in order for you to do that, I will. If the life I want for you can only happen without me, you´ll never see me again. 

 

_The other night dear, as I lay sleeping_

_I dreamed I held you in my arms_

_But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken_

_So I hung my head and I cried_

 

Despite all reason, it hurts like hell to give us up. Sometimes I wake up and for a split second, before I realize where I am and whether it´s day or night, right then in that incredibly short moment, I´m completely convinced you must be lying next to me. Sometimes I turn around in my bed and reach out to pull you closer. I can´t help but start crying when I feel nothing but cold sheets under my skin. How am I supposed to do this every night from now on? 

I seriously can´t imagine waking up every morning and not see your beautiful sleeping face. I can´t imagine making breakfast for my own, but never again for you. And what will all the love songs be for if I won´t ever sing them to you? No matter how hard I try, I can´t picture myself going to school and not looking out for you. I will never sit in class not thinking about you. What way is there to not text you again? 

This is love, Isak, and it´s shredding my heart into a million little pieces, but because it´s you whom I love so much, I will continue to do so with every single tiny broken fragment.

 

 

_But I never told you_

_What I should have said_

_No I never told you_

_I just held it in_

_And now I miss everything about you_

_I can´t believe that I still want you_

_After all the things we´ve been through_

_I miss everything about you_

 

I´m sorry I didn´t tell you everything right away. These letters prove I wanted to, but the truth is that I was fucking terrified. I´ve never had something as precious as you in my life. And once we find a real treasure, we do our best to keep it, don´t we? That kind of protectionism might not always lead to the best decisions, as my example so distinctly shows, but what can we do? A part of me must have known just how bad it would get if I lost you. All I wanted was to avoid that. All I wanted was not to lose you. How ironic, that the things I did to protect what we had were the exact things that destroyed everything. 

I´m sorry for wanting you so badly I didn´t think straight anymore, but there was no other way. I´m sorry for all the wrong choices I´ve made. I´m sorry I turned something so fragile as your feelings into fear and pain. It´s the last thing I wanted. All I wanted was to love you. All I wanted was at least the possibility of being loved back. It´s okay if there´s no happy ending for me. 

 

_All I want is nothing more_

_To hear you knocking at my door_

_Cause if I could see your face once more_

_I could die a happy man I'm sure_

 

_When you said your last goodbye_

_I died a little bit inside_

_I lay in tears in bed all night_

_Alone without you by my side_

 

_Cause you brought out the best of me_

_A part of me I'd never seen_

_You took my soul wiped it clean_

_Our love was made for movie screens_

 

I´m sorry the best in me is still not good enough for you. If I had a say in it, I´d be sane enough to properly love you, to be loved by you, not that it makes any difference. 

This was supposed to be some sort of goodbye letter, but I can´t bring myself to spell it out. 

I love you.

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even´s depression is kinda rubbing off on me, so there´s gonna be one last letter before O helga natt.   
> I´ll probably post it on Tuesday or Wednesday. 
> 
> What do you think of the chapters after Even´s breakdown?   
> I´m pretty insecure about the way I captured his depression, because I´m afraid I wrote it too much from my own perspective and not his, but I don´t think I could have done it much differently. 
> 
> I hope you still enjoy reading this, in spite of the currently sad spirit. 
> 
> Have a wonderful weekend! <3


	41. The Reason, 09.12.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the last letter before O helga natt. 
> 
> I recommend you to listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV4DiAyExN0 while reading.

Kjære Isak,

The worst feeling of all is wanting to tell you a thousand things but not knowing how to even start with the first one. I´m still trying to figure out how to put my apologies, my explanations into words I could actually tell you, a text maybe. My thoughts are racing, but I feel like I owe you at least some sort of clarification, some sort of clearance that doesn´t require for you to read an entire shoe carton full of stupid letters. This is just another weak attempt to make sense of things that probably won´t ever make sense to you, but I can´t stop myself, or the guilt is going to kill me.

I have no idea what I´m doing, so here´s a little story from my childhood: When I was in elementary school, maybe seven or eight years old, everybody in my class had these action figures, the super hero ones that were bigger than my forearms. You probably used to collect them too. We weren´t allowed to bring them to school, for obvious reasons, but it was all the other boys would ever talk about.

Back then, we unanimously voted for this guy, Marius, as class representative, simply because he claimed to have the biggest collection. Marius was a surprisingly big asshole for an eight-year-old, but rumor had it that he even owned The Incredible Hulk, and noone had a Hulk, so he was without doubt the coolest of us all.

Anyhow, the story isn´t about Marius. I´m just trying to express why it was that I needed to have a couple of those action figures as well. Little Even wasn´t exactly popular in elementary school, so it was rather urgent. I desperately begged my parents to buy me at least one, but especially my Dad was convinced that parents shouldn´t give their children presents just like that, and my birthday was even farther away than Christmas. I knew Mamma would be easier to convince and one day, finally, just before I could annoy her to death with my endless bugging, I came home to a plastic Batman waiting for me. 

Of course, I couldn´t wait to tell everybody about my new toy in school the next day, but for some reason, the other kids didn´t believe me. Marius had decided I was a freak, and therefor a liar too, and anyhow, I wasn´t cool enough to join their club, so everyone collectively denied the existence of my very own Batman. I was mad with anger at them, but I couldn´t do anything other than run home and fall onto my bed crying. I was shell-shocked, but it should get even worse. 

I was a freak even then, but not a stupid kid. There was a simple solution to my problem, so I crammed Batman into my school bag and brought him to school. I was practically bursting with pride when I walked up to Marius and his entourage and held my action hero right under his nose for him to watch, to watch and see and realize he´d been wrong. I stood there waiting for his pretentious grin to disappear, but it only grew wider and after a few moments, he right out burst into laughter. The others joined in before they even knew why I was being laughed at. Marius unraveled the mystery soon enough. Apparently, when my Mom had given in to my begging, she´d bought me an action figure, but not one of the originals. 

My Batman was right there in my hand, but he didn´t belong to the collection everyone else was so hyped about. My Batman was fake. I´d been happy with him for a few days, but not because of the actual toy, but rather the illusion of having what I wanted, of belonging to the rest of the world. I´d seen a simple way out of being a loner, an outsider, but I´d ended upbeing the biggest loser of them all. I spent an entire week at home, hiding from the kids at school, from my parents, from the whole world outside of my bed. That outside world didn´t seem to want me, and I was tired of being unwanted, so I stayed where noone got a chance to reject me. 

The Batman-incident happened more than ten years ago and I´m not even sure that week at home was a proper depression already, but the memory kept coming back to me these last days. My current situation is not entirely unlike back then. Since the first day of school, I´ve wanted you. I wanted you and I wanted to be in love and I wanted a shot at it like everybody else I knew. And when I finally had you, it felt so incredibe and indescribable, I couldn´t see ot wasn´t the real deal. I went for it and let the world swallow me. Now I´m once again spit out and alone and hopeless, and a little more tired of trying than before. 

The time we spent together, as short as it may have been, was the best time I´ve had in my life. You are the most amazing person I´ve ever met and God, do I wish I was the right one for you. Every time I close my eyes,  I see those adorable dimples on your face when you smile. I swear I can smell you right now as if you were lying right next to me. A hundred times a day I hear your voice saing "du er mannen i mitt liv" and the only thing I want is for it to be true. 

 

_I´m not a perfect person_

_There´s many things I wish I didn´t do_

_But I continue learning_

_I never meant to do those things to you_

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know_

_I´ve found a reason for me_

 

I didn´t mean to keep secrets from you. I wanted to tell you that I´m bipolar so many times. Every night before I fell asleep, I planned the conversation we would have about it the next day, but the next day came and I was too scared of losing you. Being with you was like being high in some way. I knew sobering up was going to be the hardest thing ever, but I wasn´t ready to let that incredible feeling go that you gave me. So I just kept soaring, flying until I crashed. I´m sorry I crashed you as well. I should´ve known better. I did. If only I could turn back time. I would spin the world in theopposite direction if the was a way to un-hurt you. 

 

_I´m sorry that I hurt you_

_It´s something I must live with every day_

_And all the pain I put you through_

_I wish that I could take it all away_

_And be the one who catches all your tears_

_That´s why I need you to hear_

 

_I´ve found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over knew_

_And the reason is you_

 

I know this is the end, Isak, and it´s killing me that it has to be such a painful one. But I want you to remember that there once was a boy whose life you changed. That someone once fell in love with you, with the way you smile and the curls of your hair and your awful rapping. That this person will never be the same again, because you let them feel things they never knew existed. I want you to remember that in one of those endless parallel universes, and Isak and an Even are the happiest couple ever, eating cheese toasties for the sake of old times and serving burgers at their grand fucking wedding. I want you to remember that I´ve found a reason. The reason. The only one I need.

 

_I´m not a perfect person_

_I never meant to do those things to you_

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know_

 

_I´ve found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over knew_

_And the reason is you_

 

_I´ve found a reason to show_

_A side of me you didn´t know_

_A reason for all that I do_

_And the rason is you_

 

This is probably not going to make things any easier for you, and I hate myself for not being able to give you something that would. Just fon´t forget that you´re beautiful, and life´s beautiful and everythings´s going to be okay again one day, even in this very universe. I`m sorry for everything, Isak, I truly am. 

There may be endless parallel universes, but there´s none where I don´t love you until all eternity,

Even 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Reason is one of my all time favorite songs so I couldn´t stop myself from using it for one of Even´s letters. 
> 
> As always, the first person to message me gets the handwritten version of the letter. 
> 
> Everything´s good from now on guys :)) 
> 
> I´m gonna leave you with this for a little while though, as I´m gonna be very busy the next two weeks or so. Can´t say when the next chapter will be up but it might be a while. Please bear with me though. <3


	42. Let´s Hurt Tonight, 13.12.2016

Oh Isak, my lovely Isak,

_When, when we came home_   
_Worn to the bones_   
_I told myself, "This could get rough."_   
  
_And when, when I was off,_   
_Which happened a lot_   
_You came to me and said, "That's enough."_   
  
_Oh, I know that this love is pain_   
_But we can't cut it from out these veins,_   
_No_

Do you remember my stupid Pretty Woman references? Probably not, as you most likely didn´t even get them, but that doesn´t matter. You certainly remember my crazy wedding plans and the shit I was talking along with them, right?  _What happens after I´ve saved you? - I´ll save you right back._ I´ve never thought those words would become anything more than the content of my hopelessly romantic dreams. I´ve never thought they´d mean anything except that I´m a major film nerd. But now this happened. You saved me. There´s no other way to put it, Isak. You came to my rescue, just when I was so close to being finished. 

"Du er ikke alene", you told me. I was before I met you. I was on Friday night before you showed up. I was alone and it hurt, but after years of living with this disorder, there´s a strangely calming and comforting sensation to loneliness as well. I know how wrong that sounds, but that´s exactly what being bipolar does, not only to me, but also to those who dare come near me. When I feel lonely, I feel cold and hopeless, but I also feel relieved to not get the chance to hurt anybody. For the longest time, I was completely certain it was my fate to build up walls around me, fully aware that I´d starve inside them one day, but with the one determining thought in mind that I would not do damage to the rest of the world. 

Walking across the schoolyard, sitting in the cafeteria, wandering the halls of the school building, I was ready to say Goodbye to you. I´ve isolated myself from other people before to spare them. You´re the most precious person I know, Isak. Why would I let you of all people come near enough to get burned? That text I sent you wasn´t supposed to be an invitation to join me at my evening walk of misery. I just wanted to tell you that I´m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I love you, because there´s not one thing about you that´s not to love, not one thing about you that would make me leave you. I wanted you to know that it was all me. I thought maybe that text would help you get over the shit I dragged you into.

At least that´s what I told myself when I was writing it. And then I walk out of the cafeteria, ready to head home, ready to be done, ready to get back to piling up bricks, strengthening my walls again. And suddenly I see you standing there, right in front of me. And while my head was screaming _No, Isak, no. Save yourself, Isak,_ my feet were betraying me already. I´d started walking towards you. I was holding my breath, because I wanted to die if you wouldn´t touch me. I was craving you so badly. And God, was I scared.  _This can´t be real. He can´t really be here._ Was it the same eternity for you until you were finally holding me? 

As soon as I felt your warm breath on my cold face I knew it. I´d sent you the text because I was hoping you´d come. I was hanging around there for half an hour because I was giving you enough time to figure it out, to come running, to break down my walls. The loneliness hadn´t felt good at all. I hadn´t thought about being alone, I was busy obsessing about not having you around. I didn´t want to be alone. I don´t want to be alone. I don´t want to be alone without you.

I still feel guilty for feeling that way. I´m still convinced I should have spared you the pain. But I´m a selfish guy. I´m going to hurt you again eventually. I know I´m making you sad right now, I´ve been doing that for the last couple of days and it´s almost been tearing me apart.  I know whatever you want from me isn´t going to work and I apologize in advance for that. If I could change one thing in this universe, I would be the right one for you, Isak. I´d promise to make you happy for the rest of your life. But as much as it hurts to say this, I can´t. I won´t make a promise I won´t be able to keep. I´m sorry. What would I do for you... You saved me. I just wish I could save you right back. 

Taking it one minute at a time, what happened last week or the week before doesn´t really matter anymore, does it? Neither does what happens tomorrow or after that. I promised you to keep thinking short term for now, and as that´s pretty much the only promise I can keep right now, I will. This next minute, I´m going to think about you. I´m going to have a picture of you in my mind and once again, I´ll try to remember every tiny detail about you, because you´re so beautiful. The next minute, I´m going to tell you that I love you. Because I love you. And for once, it has nothing to do with what I hope we can make out of this. It doesn´t matter where this is going to go. I love you. That, Isak, is unconditional. The minute after, you´re going to love me back, and even if it´s just for one minute, I´m going to believe it. 

I´m tired, Isak, and I believe I´m out of minutes for today, but that´s okay. I´m just going to wait for you to come home and save me once again. And even if it hurts that I need saving, I guess it kind of works that way, right? Love, I mean.

_When, when you came home_   
_Worn to the bones_   
_I told myself, "This could be rough."_   
  
_Oh, I know you feel insane_   
_Tell me something that I can explain,_   
_Oh_   
  
_I'll get the lights and you lock the doors_   
_Tell me all of the things that you couldn't before_   
_Don't walk away, don't roll your eyes_   
_They say love is pain. Well, darling, let's hurt tonight_   
_If this love is pain then, darling, let's hurt, oh, tonight_

I´ll see you later my love, 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m almost done with my final exams (last one´s on Wednesday) so I´m soon a piece of shit with a bachelor´s degree haha :)   
> Good news is I´ll have more time again to write these letters yay! Even though I´m not quite sure how I´m gonna do this after the end of S3.. 
> 
> As always, I´m thrilled to hear your opinions, suggestions etc. <3


	43. Feels Like Home, 18.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

_Somethin´ in your eyes makes me wanna lose myself_

_Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms_

_There´s somethin´ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast_

_Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life_

_If you knew how lonely my life has been_

_And how long I've been so alone_

_And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along_

_And change my life the way you've done_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

_It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_

 

Today I´m listening to music again, because how could I possibly put those feelings you´re giving me into my own words? It feels like home to me. Maybe it´s a little cheesy, but this is what you´ve done to me, baby, what you´re doing to me every time you look at me. You´ve changed my life and now it feels more like home to me than ever before. You know I wasn´t sure about being at that party on Friday at first. I was scared of leaving the warmth and safety of your bedroom. I was scared of your friends seeing me for what you refused to see me for. I was fucking terrified of reality crashing down on us and destroying us for good. And then, none of that happened.

The reason I´m scared all the time is that I know I should be. I know that I hurt people and ruin friendships and relationships. I´ve done that so many times. I know that people are not always accepting of mentally ill people. I know that people are not always accepting of same sex relationships. I didn´t want to hurt anymore, but much more importantly, I didn´t want to hurt you anymore. If something had happened that had upset you, I wouldn´t have known what to do. I wouldn´t have to know how to fix us. I wouldn´t have expected you to fix us once again. I was so wrong.

I wasn´t prepared for you fighting for us. I wasn´t prepared for you saving me that night after everything had went to shit. I wasn´t prepared for you being there for me, being so supportive, making your roommates look after me, taking your time to slowly piece me back together. I was in love with you before that, you know, but the last couple of days made me love you in a way that will never be over, that will never be forgotten. But that is just you, Isak. Beautiful, kind and loving you, with all you´ve got in you.

I wasn´t prepared for kollektivet taking me in, giving me a place to stay, a place to feel welcome and safe. I wasn´t prepared for Eskild mothering me. I wasn´t prepared for your friends´ smiles when they saw me again. I wasn´t prepared for Mags hugging me. I wasn´t prepared for Jonas telling me he´d break my legs if I´d ever hurt you. I wasn´t prepared for Eva and Noora talking to me as if I was one of them or Chris obviously being mad at me for stealing her man. (You´ll have to explain that to me one day.) I wasn´t prepared for Sana.

Good God, Sana. You probably don´t know I´ve known her before. Our encounter in the kitchen on Friday lead me to believe she hasn´t told you. I assume she didn´t want to expose me in front of you. She can´t know I´ll tell you anyways. I´ll tell you. I know now that I can. That I want to. One day, I´ll tell you everything about the friendship I used to have with Sana´s brother, Elias, and the other boys, about the afternoons we spent at the Bakkoush´s house that turned into nights and a lot of other stuff. One day, as soon as these wounds have healed a little more, I´ll tell you where some other scars come from. I promise.

My point is, in spite of the walls I´ve built around me, I know what friendship looks like. I know what it feels like. I can see how lucky you are, to have people like Jonas and Eskild and Eva take care of you. Not that it surprises me how much they love you, it just makes me happy. When was the last time I was not manic but genuinely happy?

Did you know Eskild actually invited me to stay at kollektivet for good? Probably not. “You´ve made our little baby so much less grumpy”, he said, “therefore, you´re welcome to stay as long as you like.” No worries, I won´t take that offer, even though he so very kindly volunteered to share his clothes and makeup (wtf?) with me. He almost had me in tears just by asking. The thing is, Isak, even in my real home, I haven´t felt welcome for a very long time. Noone has ever done anything to make me feel like that, but I kept seeing the insecurity in my baby sister´s eyes and the worries in my parents´ looks. I´ve heard the tears in my mother´s voice no matter how hard she tried not to spill them.

How can I not have broken you? How come you´re still there? Still whole? How can you accept what I´m doing to you? How can you take me in? How can your friends be okay with what I´m doing to you? I´m constantly torn between how wrong it seems and how good it feels.

It makes me incredibly happy to know you´ve got a true home in all those people. It also makes me incredibly happy to know I have, too. How do I deserve all this? How do I deserve you, Isak?

You´ll learn that I´m not always easy to handle. You´ll see dark and broken parts of me, maybe a lot worse than you already have. I´ll hurt you. But I hope you can take it minute by minute. I hope you can keep on fighting for us. I don´t want you to ever stop fighting, I hope you know that. There are so many more cheese toasties to be eaten, so many more movies to be watched together, so many more minutes to be spent kissing. We can have them all, if they mean as much to you as they do to me. I see the light now, no matter how dark the night, you brought the light into it.

_A window breaks, down a long, dark street_

_And a siren wails in the night_

_But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me_

_And I can almost see, through the dark there is light_

_Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me_

_And how long I've waited for your touch_

_And if you knew how happy you are making me_

_I never thought that I'd love anyone so much_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

_It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from_

_It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_

_It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong_

 

It does feel like home, Isak, and that is thanks to you. I belong with you and I know that now. You are my home.

Thank you for that,

Even

 

PS: I´ll figure it out. I´ll find a way not to hurt you any further.

PPS: I´m shitting my pants right now because we´re leaving to have dinner with my Mom in half an hour and I´ve changed my shirt at least three times so far but it has to be perfect or I´ll die. I have to be perfect. You´re always perfect. She´ll love you. She´s a lot like me in some ways and she´ll love you almost as much as I do. I just hope she´ll think I´m worthy of you.

PPPS: Did I tell you I really fucking love you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That´s it, season 3 is over now, but if you like I´ll keep wiriting to fill the gap between s3 and s4, so how does that sound to you? 
> 
> Also, I´m thinking about bringing a very special character (whom I love love love) back to help Even becoming more confident in his relationship with Isak in the next letter... 
> 
> Tell me you want me to and I´ll write it next week :)
> 
> Love you guys <3


	44. God jul, 24.12.2016

Kjære Isak,

You look so beautiful when you´re asleep. I´m sitting right next to you on my bed and I can´t believe how lucky I am. It´s Saturday morning and I´m getting the impression that you don´t always get enough sleep, but it makes me happy and a little proud that you can obviously sleep well next to me. I get it, though, because nothing compares to the feeling of falling asleep with your body pressed into mine except waking up exactly like that. How did I survive before I knew you? 

The reason I´m writing again is that I don´t know how to tell you face to face what you mean to me. I´m not embarrassed to say it. I just don´t know enough words to express exactly how you make me feel. How does one say I love you when those three words have become too small, too ordinary to describe it accurately? Dr Skrulle says I don´t have to say it at all. Actions are more important than words, she told me. 

I went to see her this week because the last time I did she was actually pretty helpful. I don´t know what it is about her that makes me trust her, maybe the fact that she´s a doctor but not really that doctorly, if you know what I mean. I´ve seen many doctors in my life and it has always felt odd to talk to them about what´s going on inside if me. I mean, does a doctoral degree really qualify a person to be a good listener, to be trustworthy and a good advisor when it comes to really fucking private stuff? I never liked telling my whole life story to someone I don´t know shit about. Seems a little bit unbalanced, right? 

Well, for whatever reason, it seems to be different with Dr Skrulle. She told me she doesn´t have much to do so soon before Christmas and invited me right in. You should´ve seen all the Christmas decorations in her office that was blinking and twinkling in every last corner. I think she even had tiny little snowmen painted on her fingernails. Is it crazy that stuff like that makes me like her even more? If so, I don´t give a fuck about being crazy for once. 

Of course, Dr Skrulle remembered me and the last conversation she had with me. Just like she didn´t let my disorder count for an excuse to give you up the last time, she didn´t care much about it this time. “How´s it going with this boy you told me about?”, she asked me right away. “I´m not sure how”, I replied, because I´m not, “but it´s going.” She smiled. She seemed genuinely happy for me. Usually, adults show concern for me, so the look on her face was something I´m not too familiar with, but it felt good. 

She wanted to know why I came to see her, so I explained myself. I told her that we´re together now, that we´re in love and that we´re trying to make it work. I also told her my problem was I didn´t know how to do that. That chasing after someone you want might be difficult and nerve-wrecking and embarrassing, but trying to keep someone you´re afraid to lose is completely terrifying. I told her I didn´t know how to be in a relationship. I told her I didn´t know how to not ruin a bond like that. I screwed up my relationship with Sonja as I screwed up my friendship with Sana´s brother and the other guys as I screwed up my family. If I screw this up with you too, I might as well just stop bothering. 

“You need to stop being scared.”, Dr Skrulle said after listening to my very long list of personal failures. How could I? “You need to stop being so scared, because every relationship is scary until you decide it´s not.” I didn´t get it which could most likely be seen on my face, so she went on. “Every person you let into your life is a risk. You let them near you, you give them the power to hurt you. How would it affect you if your boyfriend left you?” “It would break my heart into pieces”, I answered honestly. “But you´re willing to take that risk because he´s worth it.” That wasn´t a question, but I nodded my head because never could there be any risk more important than the pure joy of being with you. 

“The fact that you guys are together now tells me he thinks the same way about you.”, she said. I´d never thought about it that way. I mean, I´d been wondering for quite a long time why exactly it is that you want to be with me, but I hadn´t come up with a reasonable explanation so far. I couldn´t believe it could be that easy. As easy as you taking the risk of getting hurt by me because for some reason you think I´m worth it. I didn´t say that last thing out loud, but I didn´t have to. “You don´t have to understand why”, Dr Skrulle told me, “his reasons belong only to him.” I decided to believe her and we went on for more than an hour. Just when I was ready to leave her office, Dr Skrulle seemed to think of something else to tell me: “Everyone who´s in love feels the way you´re feeling now, Even”, she added, “you´re no crazier than the rest of us.”

The longer I thought about my conversation with Dr Skrulle on my way home, the harder it got for me to stop smiling. Maybe it was because of what she´d told me. Maybe it was because I´m not used to leaving a doctor´s office and feel like I´d actually been helped. Maybe it was because of the excitement she´d shared with me. Then I remembered who else had done that just one day earlier. Mamma. 

Oh Isak, my Mom is so in love with you, you wouldn ´t believe me if I told you, but I´m going to do it anyways. Of course, you´ve seen the text she sent me right after we left her place last Sunday, remember? You better make this boy happy, son. He´s a keeper. But that´s not all there is, Baby. When I went back home on Tuesday after school, she came running towards me through the hallway. I didn´t even know was home. I don´t think I´ve ever seen a smile that big on my mother´s face. I started crying when she took me in her arms. Her hug felt as if could heal all the pain there is in the world. “Wow, you seem happy”, I stated, confused. I didn´t know what I´d missed. 

“Because you are.”, she said. I´m going to skip the part where I started crying and then she started crying, too, and then we spent an embarrassingly long time crouched on the floor trying to dry each other´s tears. Seriously, why did I not believe my Mom could help me feel better? All she had to do was smile. 

All school day I´d thought about an inconspicuous way to ask her how she liked you, but when we finally made our way into the kitchen I just blurted it right out. Honestly, there was simply no way she was going to say anything that would disappoint me. “So, Mamma, how´d you like him?” “I love him”, she said. “Me too”, I admitted. “I know, Even.” Neither of has had hesitated one second before speaking. I didn´t know how to tell you about that conversation without it being awkward, well, because I haven´t actually said it directly to you yet. I guess that should come first. Don´t worry, the end of December is a wonderful time to be romantic and make confessions. 

Mamma and I talked for hours, like we hadn´t in years. I´ve missed her. I told her every stupid little detail about how we met and what happened from then on. She laughed at me for taking all the paper towels from the dispenser in the school bathroom, but I knew she got it. She laughed even more at the cheese toast disaster and was practically lying on the ground holding her belly by the point I got to the swimming-pool break-in. But as soon as she could contain a straight face again, she told me she´d never seen something as beautiful as her son falling in love. 

“Mamma”, I said in a serious tone, “I need your help with something. “Anything”, she answered. “I still don´t have a Christmas present for Isak”, I confessed. “I can´t believe it”, she said with fake astonishment, “no hotel suite, no hot air ballooning, no flight tickets to the Caribbean?” She was clearly joking, but the truth is that I´d actually bought a whole lot of shit during my mania as possible options for a gift to you. “Oh Even”, she said when I told her. “I know”, I replied, “none of that crap is the right thing for Isak.” I know you don´t care about material stuff or being showered in cheesy romance. You care about me, about us. “We´ll figure something out”, my mother assured me. As you´ll find out tomorrow, it was Matilde who ultimately gave me the idea for your present. 

As for me, the best Christmas present imaginable is having you next to me. For the first time in years, I´m looking forward to spending the holidays with my parents and my sister. Somehow, I´ve found I´ve got something other than guilt towards them in me. This year, I want to see my mother smile. I want my Dad to be proud of me. I want my baby sis to make me play with her new stuff underneath the Christmas tree. I want you to be there. I want you to see what you´ve given me when you told me I wasn´t alone. I want you to see I´m not, and neither are you. 

I know that you´re nervous about the invitation to celebrate Christmas with my family, but you´ll be fine. They love you already. I know that you´re nervous about me meeting your parents the day after, which I´m too. Okay, that might be a slight understatement, because I´m actually shitting my pants. I mean, how in hell am I supposed to make your parents believe I of all people am the perfect guy for their son. I´m not even talking about the fact that I´m a guy. (And I´m still not sure what to expect because of that.) What if they ask how we met? Or how we got together? Or why you told your Dad it was over like two weeks ago and now we´re celebrating Christmas together? What explanation is there that doesn´t make me look like a complete nutcase? 

Okay, Isak, for you I´m going to stop being so pessimistic. Like Dr Skrulle told me, I need to stop being scared. What even is there to be afraid of that´s bigger than the love you give me? I know, you haven´t said it either, but you kind of haven. Like when you said “You´re the man of my life” or “You´re not alone” or “I like seeing you laugh”. And most importantly, you´ve showed me you mean it. All of it. Like when you made me stay at your place rather than let me go. Like when you asked Sonja for advice (yeah I know about that and I love you for it). Like when you saved me and caught me tears and poured your love in all the cracks of my broken heart and made it whole again. 

I wish I could love you like that. I´m learning how, I promise. I also wish I could understand what you´re mumbling in your sleep right now. I´ve tried talking to you so you´d maybe repeat it a little more clearly but you don´t seem to hear me and I don´t want to wake you. But every time I move my body just a tiny little bit, you make this cute little noise of complain and snuggle a little closer into me. I´m sorry but I think I won´t ever let you out of my bed again. Actually, I´m not that sorry. Honestly, I can´t wait to put a Christmas hat on your cute little blonde curls, you´ll look so adorable. I might have drawn you wearing one sitting beneath a Christmas tree and smiling at a present you´re holding. I might have put it to the rest of my embarrassingly huge collection of drawings of you. One day soon, I´ll be able to paper the walls of my room with them. Wouldn´t that be awesome? 

I´m going to stop writing now, as I have to make a few last adjustments to what I´m totally going to blow your mind with tomorrow. We wouldn´t want our first Christmas together be anything less than the best Christmas holiday in our lives so far, would we? I hope I won´t wake you up by leaving the bed now. And if I do, I hope I´ll get many mornings to make up for it. I´ve made it my mission to make you wake up warm and happy every day from now on. One day, you´ll have forgotten the nights you were tossing and turning, unable to find sleep. One day, you´ll have forgotten ever waking up from a nightmare without someone to slay your demons and hold you close. 

I remember a time I used to write wish list for Christmas and put a hundred things on it: toys, drawing equipment, the latest dvd´s and even a puppy. There wasn´t much little Even wouldn´t have wanted. I also remember a time I used to wish for nothing else but being normal, like everyone else I knew. This year, I don´t wish for any of that. I wish for things to not change too fast. I wish for the strength it´ll take me to get better one day at a time. I wish for the patience to take things minute by minute if it gets bad again. And I wish for you to be by my side when that happens, because you´ll remind my I already have everything I need for that. 

Most of all, I wish for you to find the time to relax and sleep well and forget about school during the holidays. I wish for you to start a new year with the hope that everything will be better and better and better. I wish for you to be happy. I wish for you to look back next year at Christmas and not have any wishes left, because you´re genuinely satisfied with where you are then. I wish for your dreams to be big and limitless. I wish for you to know you´ll reach them. I wish you a merry Christmas. 

Merry Christmas, Isak. 

I love you,

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I´ve made it to 50,000 words!!!!! :D 
> 
> Tell me what you think and I´ll tell you what Even gave Isak as a Christmas present in the next chapter :) 
> 
> Also, fair warning, the next letter will contain smut. I hope to have it up by the end of the week...


	45. Baby Jesus, 28.12.2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut following!

Kjære Isak, 

I just had an incredible dream, so let me tell you a little bit about it. 

It started on Christmas. You were supposed to be coming over to my place to celebrate with my family. I was all nervous, once again becoming extra conscious of the endless number of my personal imperfections. The only thing that kept me from going completely crazy was Matilde, my baby sister, being so thrilled to meet you and bombing a million questions at me. 

"What does he look like?" I showed her one of my drawings of you, even though of course, I´m not nearly good enough at drawing for it to actually look like you. 

"Will he be staying the night?" I certainly hoped so.

"Will he be sleeping in your bed?" If not, I wasn´t going to sleep there either.

"Do you think he wants a hot chocolate, too?" 

I told her to sit down and be calm. "Wait and see," I said, sounding like a real big brother. Truth be told, I wanted to run and jump around the house just like she was doing. The thought of you joining us for Christmas, you being here where I´ve lived my entire life, had me more excited than my first day of school or that time my parents took us to L.A. for the holidays or really just any other event in my life so far. 

I´d set the table, decorated the christmas tree and the whole damn rest of the house, because with you coming here, I didn´t trust anyone else to prepare anything. It didn´t have to be perfect, but it had to be just the right kind of perfect for you. Well, I let my Mom make dinner, but just for the record, she did have to fight me on that as well. 

Instead of cooking, I double-checked my present for you lying under the christmas tree over and over again. Then, I took a second shower that evening, because, well, to say I was becoming sweaty would be an understatement. I was so close to losing my mind when I finally heard the bell ring (not that you were late). The only thing I heard after that was my own heart beating in my ears. 

Matilde rushed towards the door, but I was quicker, only making a few steps and reaching out for the doorknob before she was even around the corner. And then I opened the door and I swear, I saw an angel standing there smiling in front of me. You looked rather nervous too, didn´t you know that nobody was going to resist your charm anyway?

"Are you baby jesus or are you Isak?" my little sister asked from behind me. 

"Matilde, this is Isak," I said proudly, "Isak, meet my little sister."

I swear to God I have no words for how you got down onto your knees in front of her and gave her that little yellow shining present. "I might not actually be baby jesus, but I brought you a gift anyway." When Matilde looked at me for confirmation, her face had turned into that hearteyes-emoji. When I nodded, it wasn´t to say "you can take it", it was to say "yes, little sister, you can trust him, he´s exactly the angel he seems to be." 

They might nor have screamed as loudly, but my parents were just as happy for you to be with us as Matilde. Mamma wouldn´t stop smiling, and Pappa looked like a whole different person with his brow not wrinkled or furrowed in sorrow. I had forgotten how good food can taste. I had forgotten how amazing a room full of candles and a christmas tree can smell. I had forgotten it could sometimes be enough to just be together to be happy. 

You spoke about us, about us getting together, and I almost cried, because the way you told it, I didn´t sound like a maniac, nor a cheater. I sounded like a boy from kosegruppa you fell in love with, and while you were speaking, I truly believed it. 

It was like one of the Christmas nights I remember from my childhood. Snowy outside, but warm in the house, a smell of cinnamon and oranges in the air, everyone smiling and laughing, and in spite of all the stuff we´d wished for before that was now waiting to be unwrapped, nobody truly needed anything else right then. A family, being genuinely happy, because they have each other, and for that night, that´s good enough. 

Matilde was playing with the doll you´d given her, my parents were drinking mulled wine on the sofa, and I decided it was time to give you my present. I held the little blue rectangle out for you. "You first," you said and handed me a green, bigger one in return. With the way you were looking at me, I knew I was going to love it, no matter what was hidden beneath the shiny paper. I was going to keep it forever, in sacred memory of the boy who saved my life by loving me. It was a paintbox, and I loved it beyond that reason. 

"Wow, Isak... I, uhm, I don´t know what to say." 

"Say it with drawings," you whispered, "you´re quite good at that." 

I kissed you, because I needed to tell you something that I didn´t know how to say. I was aware of my parents watching us, and I think I heard a little gagging sound from Matilde, but in that moment, I needed you to know just how much I loved you. 

"Well, if you liked my drawings so far," I told you, because I didn´t want to make you feel uncomfortable by kissing you in front of my family any further, "you´re gonna like this as well." You finally opened my present. 

A little notebook appeared underneath the wrapping paper, and you held it like it was out of glass. The cover was a drawing of you and me, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, me arm wrapped around your shoulder, big smiles on both our faces. You read the title of the little book out loud: "No toasties without kardemomme", then whispered the subtitle: "No Even without Isak." 

I will never forget the look on your face when you opened it and turned the first few pages. 

"Even, is this...?"

"Our story baby," I smiled.

"I can´t believe you made an entire comic book out of it," you stated. 

"This way, you can just show that to our grandkids instead of telling the whole story," I winked at you. 

You looked around nervously. "Can we maybe go to your room now?" you asked. 

"Sure," I replied and took one of the vanilla-scented candles with me in each hand when I lead the way out of the living room. 

As soon as I´d put them down on my nightstand, you were standing right in front of me, the little notebook still in your hands. 

I wanted to ask you what was wrong, but before I got the chance, you spoke, pressing my gift to your chest.

"I love you." 

And just like that, you made the world stop spinning. I tried to focus on my breathing, my heartbeat, because I honestly wasn´t sure I was still alive for a moment. 

"Even?" you asked, "are you gonna say something?" 

"I wanted to say it first," was all I got out. 

Your scared face turned into the most wonderful smile I´d ever seen. 

"I love you, Isak," I said, trying to put all those feelings I´d been having for months now into three tiny little words. 

And then you kissed me, and from the way you did, I knew you knew it. That by "I love you", I also meant "I need you" and "you saved me" and "don´t leave me, or it´ll kill me". But you needed me too, and you weren´t going to go anywhere, so you kept kissing me. 

And then your kisses turned from soft to hungry, becoming more wet and demanding. Your hands were all over my body, and God I wanted you so bad. 

In a matter of minutes, we were standing in my room, the only source of light being the two candles I´d brought. We were panting, kissing, grabbing each other and pulling closer, closer, as if our skin was physically hurting where we didn´t touch. I felt your boner against mine and I wanted to touch it. I wanted to make you feel good, to give back just a little bit of the wonderful feelings you were causing me. 

You took my shirt off before I could bring my hand down between us. I moaned at the sight of you shirtless body at the same time you moaned at the touch of my hand. I moved us towards the bed, pulling you down on it on top of me. You didn´t stop touching me, stroking my upper body, pulling my hair, licking into my mouth like you were starving. 

Then you stood up abruptly, pulling your pants down in one motion before reaching out to do the same to mine. When you climbed back into my lap, I could see a drop of precum on the tip of your dick. I looked delicious and I wanted to taste it so bad, but you had other plans. You pushed me back down onto my back and pressed my forearms into the sheets above my head. You were still kissing me. 

"Stay there," you ordered when you leaned back to take out the bottle of lube and a condom from the top drawer of my nightstand. With a little lube and two of your own fingers, you started stretching yourself up while looking me straight in the eye and I was close to bursting from that sight alone. Your breathing got harder, the noises coming from your beautiful, half parted mouth louder and louder. I couldn´t help but marvel at how fast you´d gone from almost blushing to death during a blowjob to shamelessly fingering yourself on top of me while eyefucking me. 

When I couldn´t stand it anymore, I leaned forward and replaced your fingers with own to make sure you were ready for me. Just a few more movements during which you clinged to my shoulders and buried your face in my neck, then I rolled down the condom on my really hard cock and positioned it at your entrance. You moved before I could, lowering yourself down onto me while sucking my neck. As good as this felt, it wasn´t going to last long.

After just a moment, you started moving up and down, practically riding me. 

"You´re so hot, Isak," I told you, "you feel so fucking good." 

"Not as good as you," you replied, even though you must have been wrong. 

We were both getting close to our orgasms really damn quickly. 

"I love you," I said, holding your face in my hands so you could see I meant it.

"I love you," you said, looking back at me so I could see you meant it. 

"I love you." We repeated the words over and over until they were merely words, just hot breaths and moaning along to our climax.

I didn´t mind the sticky feeling of your cum on my stomach when I held you in my arms afterwards. I wasn´t sure the dream wasn´t going to be over if I let you go, so I watched your face relax and listened to your breathing evening out when you fell asleep. 

Yes Matilde, I thought, he will be staying the night. He will be sleeping in my bed. He´ll even be sleeping in my arms. 

I was so happy when I looked at you that night. I was so happy when I woke up the next morning with you still next to me. What an amazing dream.

But you know what the best part of that dream was, Isak?

I didn´t wake up.

I wasn´t asleep.

It wasn´t a dream.

I love you, 

Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you people! As you´ve seen, I´m back!! 
> 
> First of all, sorry to all of you that it took me so long to write this. I wasn´t doing too great those last few weeks and I tried writing this letter a couple of times, but I always ended up hating everything I´d brought to paper. Someone at work has been really sweet and helpful this week though, and I´m a little better now so here you go. 
> 
> Secondly, thank you so much for bearing with me and still reading this. Every click and comment and all the kudos mean so much to me, you wouldn´t believe. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I´m trying my best to update again soon! 
> 
> Love ya!


	46. My Tie is Blue, 03.01.2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions of suicide!

Kjære Isak, 

When was the last time you got a handwritten letter? I´ve been wanting to write one almost as much as I´ve been wishing to receive one for so long. This is the 46th letter to you so far, so I might have overdone it a little, but the truth is: the words you bring to paper with a pen in your hand are important. 

When I was little, I used to write letters all the time. I wrote to my Mom, my friend Lea from elementary school, Santa Clause and Kurt Cobain. Some of those letters were meant to be read, but most of them just needed to be written. I´m still not sure which of these two kinds these letters to you are. 

I think I started writing to you because what´s going on inside me ever since I first saw you is simply so much, so intense, I lose track of all my thoughts if I don´t write them down. I´m only just now realizing that this is all part of my being crazy and therefore, as I´ve always done it, I´ve always been crazy. 

Have you ever had that kind of a thing that you´ve been doing forever, and one day you realize that others don´t, that it´s in fact not completely normal? To me, it has happened more than once. They´re not very big things, just that others don´t write the lyrics down in a journal when they discover a new song, that they don´t dream up entire alternate personalities for themselves, that they don´t have to smoke weed to get their brains to shut up.

Of course, there also are rather big things. Like normal people don´t try to kill themselves. I wish there was a way to explain this to you that wouldn´t break your heart. 

When I was still at Bakka, I was best friends with Elias, Sana´s brother, Yousef, Adam, Mutta and especially Mikael. Mikael was like me in all the ways I wanted to be like someone and different in all the ways I wanted him to be different. We used to hang out all the time, the six of us. We used to eat at Elias´ after school at least once a week. I was supposed to graduate with them last summer. 

But then something happened. I don´t know how to tell you this because I don´t want you to think I could ever love someone other than you. Also, it wasn´t like that kind of love had anything to do with it. I was manic, not in love. It later turned out to be the worst episode of my life. 

But before that, I felt like I was on top of the world. I remember walking home from school one day with my headphones on, and every single song seemed to be the best thing I´d ever heard. It made me want to dance. I left my jacket on a bench at the park, because the summer sun was burning on my skin. Except Mikael thought I had to be freezing without it when he found me. I didn´t get why he was trying to bring me down. But I could sense he was worried about me, and somehow, I liked that thought a lot. 

I swear to you that I was never in love with Mikael, but in that moment I wished I was. I was high in what felt like happiness and only love could have topped that.  
So I kissed him. Or at least tried to. He didn´t let me. He didn´t know about my disorder and he couldn´t possibly have known I was into guys as well as girls, but he certainly knew I wasn´t being myself right then. He pulled back, but it´s not like you can take back the attempt to kiss someone. The damage was done, at least for me. 

That was the turning point, and everything went way down damn rapidly from there on. See, rejection is a difficult thing for a mentally ill person to handle. We never think it could be the other one. We never consider the possibility that we´re just not someone´s type. Or that kissing your best friend in the entire world isn´t a very good idea to start with.  
We´re crazy, and we know it, and everybody else knows it, so we automatically assume it´s because something´s wrong with us. Because we´re too insane to be loved by someone normal. Too broken to be fixed by someone who´s always been whole. 

In retrospect, it´s most likely that Mikael only likes girls, that he considered us best friends like I did, and that I scared the shit out of him with my behaviour that day. But that´s not what I told myself during that week I spent in my dark bedroom. I was sure I´d ruined another relationship with someone very important to me. Like the one I`d used to have with Mathilde. I couldn´t stand it. Nothing good would ever last in my life, I was certain. 

Over the next few weeks I recovered. Or so it seemed. I went back to school. I pretended to be fine. But I was empty. Because of what had happened years before with my little sister, I still felt like I didn´t deserve to be a part of the family. I avoided the guys because I had a feeling I didn´t belong to them either. I knew it was just a matter of time until I would fuck things up with Sonja, too. 

Let me tell you this, Isak, being empty hurts like hell. I missed my boys like crazy, no pun intended. And so, as I thought I was slowly getting better but was actually getting more and more crazy, I tried to be near them. I read the Quran. All the guys except me were muslim, and Mikael had always been quite religious. He´d once told me his faith was supposed to be something to hold onto when nothing else was left. 

During that time, I needed something to hold onto more than ever before. So I read, and tried to find something that would make sense to me. Something that would make me feel like I was living in the same reality as the rest of the world. What I found was – among other stuff – a very clear attitude towards homosexuality. It caught my attention because it was the one thing most related to my own life. I should never have read those parts.

Most of all, I shouldn´t have posted parts of it on my social media. I guess a part of me wanted Mikael and the other guys to know that I understood their faith. Of course, I didn´t understand shit. I´d completely lost it, and lost as I was, I was looking for an anchor in the most stupid places. I´d wanted to be found, or at least find myself, but I´d offended people. And I was more and more convinced that I was a sinner. “Abnormal”, the Quran said, and “against nature” and that sounded painfully familiar to me. I must be against God´s will, I thought. When it got really bad, I finally wanted to do the world a favour. 

I tried to off myself with stolen pills on Wednesday, March 16th 2016. It was Mathilde who found me just in time to have my stomach pumped. I spent two nights in the hospital, and two months at the nuthouse.

The most important thing to say at this point is that I´m fine. Sometimes, when things get as bad as running around town naked in the middle of the night, I still feel like I can´t keep going. That´s what depression does to you, it makes you feel like life´s not worth it. Admittedly, on the really bad days I still think I don´t want to be alive anymore. But I don´t want to die either. 

Another very important thing, and it´s thanks to you that I know this now, is that being physically alive and feeling like you have a life are two quite different things. Best case scenario is you have both, of course. But for me, Isak, that doesn´t always work. Because sometimes I feel like I don´t have a life. Like I don´t even deserve one. Like why should I bother trying? But on those days, fortunately, I find I´m still alive. And I think I´m slowly learning to appreciate every single breath I take until I wake up one morning and feel okay again. Because life always comes back for me. 

I love you, Isak, and I want you to know that you are the world I want to live in. I´m so incredibly glad I started this year with you by my side, and that´s exactly how I plan to end it. And the next one. And every new year from now on until all eternity. 

My tie is blue for you, baby. 

Love,  
Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so sorry I left you waiting for so long!  
> I´ve been living with no internet access for more than two months now, but I´m back online :) 
> 
> Any wishes for the next letter? A new song maybe? 
> 
> Love you guys, thanks for reading <3


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